I can do what I want...

... I say that like I haven't always done whatever the fuck I want. LOL. But, we'll get to what I mean at some point (when I want...)

Interesting week. Weighed in at 269, which is awesome. One of my favorite milestones is when I see a new number on the scale -- there is a 6 where the 7 was. 28 lbs lost overall, and 3 lbs lost in the week, still maintaining my average of just over 2 lbs. / wk lost. This is actually really encouraging because this is the longest I have ever maintained a consistent drop in weight without a major regain somewhere along the way.

Also, tightened my belt down another notch this week. I think I might be able to get back into my 38 waist pants again. (I hated admitting to myself I needed a 40, since I at one point threw away all my 38s because I said I would never be that big again...)

So, a big stone got dropped in my pond. I bought a treadmill. (A friend was selling hers for $100, I couldn't say no.)

My "new" (to me) treadmill - thanks Linda!!

My instant thought was, "OK, I can cancel my gym membership." But something just did not feel right about that. And also Planet Fitness is $10 / mo. It's my cheapest bill. I was thinking that the treadmill was the thing I most wanted to go to the gym for, and in terms of time spent, it is certainly the thing I do the most there, that's for sure. But, I do also work out -- a.k.a. lift weights -- at the gym, too and I want to step that up, not down. I have 3 lb and 15 lb dumbbells and resistance bands at home, but I like the variety and flexibility of the equipment at the gym. I really, really, really want to have a nice chest and that means I need to lift more than 15 lbs. Plus, every person I look up to in terms of weight loss success swears by body building, and every one of them says they wish they had started lifting weights much sooner in their journey.

I don't just want to be thin. I want to be strong, and I want my body to look nice, I want to be proud of my physical appearance. And that's not shallow, I don't give one fuck how it sounds. My appearance has always been important to me, and as I am getting older, I am becoming much more aware of how dramatically my physical health affects my looks. I feel so good after I work out that there is no way I want to stop now. I can feel myself getting stronger, my balance is getting better, my cardio conditioning is stepping way up, and I am losing inches around my waist. I also noticed my face is starting to slim down a little again -- I always lose my face fat first, but that is really fantastic -- I was getting jowly, ick. Let's not even discuss that.

So, anyway -- I am not cancelling my gym membership. My home treadmill is an addition and a backup to the gym, not a replacement. For example: I failed for the 2nd week in a row to get out of bed early enough to go to the gym on Monday morning. I am going to try again tomorrow, but if I can't do it, I'm taking it off the list. And now, if I do fumble, I can still get up in time to at least use my home treadmill before work. I am also going to work on stepping up my weight lifting at the gym. I need to get there a little sooner. I would like 15 more minutes. Right now I usually have time to do 3 sets of 10 reps on 3 machines -- I've been doing the lateral pull-down, the hammer thrust and the chest press. I am going to YouTube some lifting beginner videos and see what I should be trying. I'll go see what Coach Kozak at HASFit has for videos probably, as I really like him.

AND -- drum roll -- something amazing happened. I never thought ever in all my days that the following thought would ever pass through my mind, let alone stick around... I like going to the gym. WTF, right? I realized when I was having the debate with myself about cancelling my gym membership or not that I was feeling remorseful at the idea of not going to the gym. Then, the morning after I got the home treadmill (which is awesome btw) I went to the gym early ass in the morning before work, and I was really glad I did it. I was in a great mood after, and I was like, "I am definitely not cancelling my membership."

So this is what brings me to the title of this blog, "I can do what I want." I realized that I was also feeling weird about the idea of working out at home instead of the gym, and that I was actually worried about being judged by someone who might notice I don't come to the gym as much any more. And then I was like, 'WTF is wrong with you?? First of all, they do not care what the fuck you do. And, you can do whatever the fuck you want." I realized, ok so if I were to go to the gym 3x/wk (instead of 5) and work out at home the other two, I'm still exercising. Also, fuck it, if I want to go to the gym 5x/wk I can still use my treadmill any time I want -- it's mine. Sometimes I get so hung up on having to have a strategy and / or a justification for things that I do forget that I can do what I want. Not sure that makes any sense, but it does to me. Also, that there are no ultimatums and any plan can be adjusted. I make the plan, it is what I say it is. As long as I am meeting my goals, it's working.

Also, a funny little anecdote: so I did go to the gym in the evening one time. And it wasn't horrific like I feared, in fact it was mostly like it always is. However, there was a different crowd, and a slightly different feel to the place. So, the next morning when I was back at my normal time (right about 6am) I walked in and it felt normal and right and I actually recognized most of the crowd and I thought to myself, Ah, my people. Weird. I consider strangers at the gym "my people." But really, most of them are friendly and I am starting to recognize specific people. It's kinda nice.

That was my week. Still on track with all goals. New goal is to start increasing my weight lifting, including figuring out how to squeeze 15 more minutes out of my morning. I've tried the no-computer-in-the-morning rule and I hate it. I need 15-20 min to drink a cup of coffee, wake up a little and take in some Internet crack. I do some sit-ups and ab crunches as soon as I get out of bed, and that takes me up a notch, but I still just like a few minutes first thing. I don't look at social media at work (except in the Facebook Room, I mean the restroom, and that's only if I poo...) and I try not to spend my evenings online, so morning is my Internet time, always has been, always will be. I am trying to brainstorm ideas though that do no include, "Get up earlier." I am already getting up at 5. OK, well maybe more like 5:10, so maybe I just found 10 minutes right there... and I could stay at the gym a little bit longer, I can get to work on time as long as I'm in the car by 7:20, so there's 5 or 10 more, too.... yeah I can do it.

Onward! 🌈✅💪💪💪