💪✨👽Time to make some adjustments - new rules ✔⚡🌈

241. Lost 1 lb this week, making 56 lbs lost overall.

The last couple weeks has been interesting. I have been feeling crappy and only went to the gym 3 times two weeks ago and only 2 days this past week. But, in spite of that, I have still managed to stay on my nutritional and weight goals for the most part. A little disappointing to only see 1 lb lost. But that is not a setback. I have to keep reminding myself that progress is still progress. 

Part of why I was feeling so shitty though was that I think I hit a limit in terms of my exercise regimen. I was pushing myself too hard and I crashed a little bit. I have had to admit that what I was doing was not sustainable in the long term. I kept raising the bar all the time. Instead of just letting something be a hard push, I allowed it to be the new benchmark and it ultimately did not work.

The interesting part is that I continued to have success and see results even when I fell off the wagon for a little bit. I also have to forgive myself -- I didn't just quit, I was not feeling well and I had to take some time to rest, like completely rest. And, I managed to do that without wrecking my plan or backtracking in terms of my weight. I did gain a little bit but I dropped it all again, and still hit a new lowest weight. 

At any rate, it's time to reevaluate my rules. 

RULE 1: THE GYM

I never officially made a rule about going to the gym 5x/wk, and I am going to reiterate to myself that the actual RULE is: 3x/wk and if I only go 3 times, I am hitting the mark 100%. I will continue to aim for 5x/wk, but that is bonus points, not the goal post. 

I also need to start getting to the gym earlier. Just a few minutes, so I'm not so crushed for time trying to get to work. I find I need overall about an hour and 15 min on weight lifting days, and just under an hour on cardio-only days. So on M-W-F, I really should be getting to the gym by 6. So....... *drags feet*........ I really should be out of bed by 5 on those mornings. I know it's only a few minutes difference and it's not like I actually get any meaningful rest in those 10 minutes. Gotta commit to this again. 

RULE 2: THE HOME TREADMILL

I want to adjust my home treadmill schedule a little. I find the 45-60 min sessions in the evening are a huge drain on my personal time. I feel resentful towards that time drain, but also still compelled to do it for my health. I think I am going to dial it back to 30 minutes, which is a much neater package in terms of fitting it in without it becoming the main event. But in exchange for the lower time commitment, I am going to raise the bar to 6x/wk. Probably Friday will be the off-night, as that is also during my weekly 24-hour fast (noon Fri - noon Sat.) 

RULE 3: MY DIET IS GETTING BORING

I am really pleased with my dietary fitness for the most part. I can say confidently that my nutritional profile is about 80-90% whole foods only, and 50% of my calories or more come from fruits & vegetables. The only processed food I eat in any quantity is dairy -- mostly Greek yogurt and cottage cheese, and feta or bleu cheese crumbles. I still occasionally eat a little bit of white pasta, it's a go-to comfort food that I will probably never give up. And I will still eat an English muffin once in a while, and if I have some bread or something once in a while I don't beat myself up over it. Oh yeah, and granola -- but I buy the Kashi Go Lean Flax blend organic granola, so minimal processing and made with whole ingredients. And I don't eat much of it; a 14 oz. box lasts me 2 weeks. I take it to work with my fruit & yogurt for breakfast about every other day and I eat it by the handful out of the box when I need a snack. 

However, my diet is getting a little boring. I need to change up some of my recipes. I also need to think a little about two things: a) changing the taste profile on my standard meals, and b) increasing the variety of what I eat. I had to just go nose-to-the-grindstone at first, eat the same thing every day, track every calorie, every macro, really get it ironed in. But now, I can see my way a lot more clearly, and since I have totally reset my nutritional profile, healthy eating and positive choices come easy to me. I can experiment a little. 

Which brings me to another topic.... Weight Watchers.

I really love WW. It was what made all of this possible. Without WW, I would never have been able to start losing weight which was what facilitated everything else. Their system is really good, and it is especially good if you don't have any fucking clue what to do or where to start. If you work their system and follow the rules, it works -- and, it works by helping you facilitate a lifestyle change, not just by being a "diet." WW is not a diet. 

That said, I am thinking about quitting WW. For some time now, my go-to tracking app has been MyFitnessPal. And I don't go to WW meetings, nor do I participate in any of the social networking or online content, I don't even read the articles in the app. I just use the app. And for that, I am paying $20/mo. It was worth it for me at the beginning when I needed my hand held. But now, I really don't feel like I need it any more. I've been thinking about this for a couple months now. And, as I have been steadily transitioning my tracking to MyFitnessPal, I find I am only going to the WW app as a cursory thing, like "Oh yeah, go track my WW stuff." Like, I use it because I'm paying for it, not the other way around. 

I think I just talked myself into it. I do worry that I will have some kind of backslide if I leave WW. But, I also know that is not true. And I could join again if I all of a sudden started falling behind my goals. It's not "quitting." It's adapting, and getting $20 back in the budget. I am very grateful to WW for being the catalyst for my weight loss and fitness goals. It is not about WW. Is that weird that I feel loyalty to WW like it is a person? Like I have to apologize for leaving. LOL 

Not perfect, but I'll take it

Weighed in this morning at 272, meaning I've officially lost 25 lbs. 

I am feeling the difference literally. I said last week I had to tighten my belt down a notch; I am going to have to do it again pretty soon -- in fact, yesterday I did cinch it down another notch and it wasn't horrible, although I know I could not have worn it that way all day. But I was able to, which is great. 

Met all my goals last week, although I just barely scraped by. As I say in the title of this post though, it's not perfect, but I'll take it. I did hit all my goals. But, because I decided it would be a great idea to get drunk on Thursday night, I did not go the gym before work, and it was a struggle to make myself go after, but I did. So, I did manage to hit the gym 4 times. 

Ug. I took myself out to Subway yesterday. (Fri.) I was at an all-day training off-site, so I used that as an excuse to treat myself. I resisted the urge to go to Burger King, but when I got to Subway I failed at my resolve to get a chopped salad instead of a sub, so I wolfed down a foot-long Italian BMT with a Coke and a bag of Salt & Vinegar chips. It was very difficult being truthful about what I ate when I was entering that meal into my WW tracker. 42 points -- my entire days worth of points on one meal. And, when I got to the gym my pre-workout heart rate was 110, when my normal heart rate any other day is about 65. Can you say sodium?? And Subway is endorsed by the American Heart Association, that's scary really. It was quite eye-opening. 

The negatives of that aside, I still enjoyed myself and I don't mind a little indulgence once in a while, it is in my overall nutritional budget, and honestly it was the chips and the soda that probably spiked my blood pressure. And, no I will not ever drink a Diet Coke -- yuck, disgusting. I drink soda so rarely I truly could not tell you when was the last time I had one. I never buy it, I don't consider it a beverage choice. So one Coca-Cola every few months is a non-issue, and it has the positive of being a really satisfying indulgence. Also, chips are something I don't eat any more. And salt & vinegar are my favorite, I'm salivating writing about it. LOL. So, it was a good self-care meal, although the nutritional bases were not really met. And I woke up this morning and still lost weight, so I call it a win. 

So I said if I could pull off going to the gym 4x this past week, I would test drive going 5 days, every work day. We'll see what happens Monday morning. I was tentatively considering trying out 5 days this week, but Mon morning I just could not get out of bed an hour early. And then when I didn't go Fri morning because of the hangover, I was like, Oh shit, I'm gonna fuck it up, I'm only gonna hit 3 days. Fuck. Which is what got me to the gym after work, which was weird and all different people were there and I kinda hated it. So there's an object lesson. I really do prefer going to the gym early in the morning. I have the most energy and it really gets me going, I am starting to really like the feeling I have after I am done working out. I find I am in a good mood, I have a better outlook even on problems, and my ability to set goals and meet them carries over into work and my personal life. So yeah, I am going to try really hard to go 5 days this upcoming week. I am not moving the needle on the goals though, officially my rule will stay 4x/wk. which is up one from 2 weeks ago, so I need to pace myself in terms of how far I step it up. I will only set goals I can achieve 100%. So, this upcoming week, I will test drive going to the gym 5 days, but the goalpost is still 4. 

I also want to make an adjustment to my weekend routine. I am still convinced that I want Saturday to be my Zero Day. I call it a "zero day" instead of a cheat day or something like that because for one, there is no cheating in my plan, there are only misses. And truly, I haven't missed my goals much and I don't plan to start now. What my "zero day" means is that it is the day of the week where I do not have to do anything if I don't want to, including no diet rules. If I want to stay in my pajamas all day, eat 5 meals and watch 16 hours of Snapped, I do it. However...

I am not happy with the fact that I am regaining weight over the weekend. Pretty much every Mon, I have put on a couple pounds, once it was 9 lbs. (oops...) and I know it is mostly water weight, but I don't like it. I am sabotaging myself and back tracking all my hard work for the sake of some sloth. I am not going to set any rules for Zero Day, other than it is Zero Day. But, I am thinking I want to make a Weekend Rule which says I do have to do something active every day no matter what. I'm averaging 2 lbs. a week lost, which is really great, but I am actually losing 5 - 10 lbs a week but I'm regaining it over the Fri-Mon window. I have observed my metabolism / GI tract seems to have about a 48 hour cycle, so often I don't see a difference on the scale for 2 days, although when I am active, I see the number go down the very next day. So..... being even the least bit active has an exponentially larger positive impact. I am hoping this will allow me to continue to insulate my Zero Day but not have to deal with the resulting weight gain. I can accept that my weight is going to fluctuate, and I do understand how water weight works, but I still don't want to see the scale go up. I am going to try to minimize that, but I need Zero Day for my psychological well-being. 

Well, I guess that covers my week. Onward!

Milestone: tightened my belt down a notch

Very good week! Amazing what happens when you set goals and stick to them. Weighed in this week at 277 lbs, which is 18 lbs lost since I started tracking and this week I dropped 4 lbs. Something I see as an even greater success, and a literal milestone: I moved down a belt notch this week. I waited until I couldn't stand the feeling that my pants were going to slide off my hips any more, then one day at work in the bathroom I cinched my belt down another hole -- and much to my surprise, I was comfortable the rest of the day, even sitting down.

I need to start taking my measurements again. I'm sure the belt notch represents a couple inches lost off my waist and I know my muscles are getting bigger because I can see (and feel) the proof. I have a cloth measuring tape and 2 tape measures, you'd think I could find one of them...

Goal: start taking my measurements again.

So what did I do? Well, I went to the gym M, W & F and worked out at home the other two. And I found that as I increased my physical activity, my appetite decreased. I am still using WW to to track my dietary intake and my weight, and I ate less than my daily points allowance every day without feeling hungry. One day I only ate 18 points (which is less than half) and although I did not feel hungry that day, I was really hungry the next day before each meal. It was the only day I came close to eating my whole points allotment. So, I did learn from that a little lesson: don't under-eat, there will be a payback.

I also go the book, "It Starts With Food," and have been reading it as my bathroom book. And I have been watching every documentary or special I can get my hands on between all my TV platforms. I also try to do a 25 min beginner workout on HASFit while I cook dinner, every day. It's interesting to me, and I feel like I'm also helping my brain by watching TV that is actually educational.

I am also doing really well on my plan to eat at least 50% of my calories from vegetables. I have been having a salad for lunch every day at work, and and a lean protein with a mix of roasted or sauteed vegetables for dinner pretty much every day. This has also allowed me to keep some of the comfort meals I like in my diet without them tanking my goals. Those being: Buffalo chicken strips, french fries (oven baked only, no restaurant fries) and I also like Orange Chicken or General Tso's Chicken over white rice. I eat one or both of those once a week, but they have become the exception not the norm. I also haven't eaten a frozen pizza in at least 6 weeks, maybe more, haven't even felt tempted. I did eat 2 slices of pepperoni pizza at work about a month ago, but I actually felt kinda gross afterward. Astonishingly, I have also not eaten sandwich bread in about a month, and only a couple English muffins a week (I like one with my at-home breakfast, so Sat & Sun) and a couple times a week I eat a flour tortilla - -either a wrap of some kind or a fish taco, oh yeah, and I do still keep frozen bean & cheese burritos in the freezer which I tend to use as the base of a meal 1-2 times a week. However -- I never in all my days imagined the day would come that I didn't have a loaf of bread in the house and didn't care. I haven't even bought garden burgers 'cause I don't want to eat bread. And really, garden burgers are kind of gross, dry, carboardy grain-based quasi-bread. I'm not a vegetarian (although sometimes I forget that.) If I want a burger, I'd have a meaty one. With bacon. My standard day-to-day diet is clean enough that I can (literally) stomach some less-than-ideal foods -- they are part of my psychological satisfaction with food.

I am also doing pretty good on my promise to myself that I am going to change the way I experience food. I am working on putting my fork down after every bite. The only time I am not sticking to that is at work, and I will buckle down on that one too. I am also trying to prepare for dinner, not just prepare the food, but prepare my environment. I light some candles and incense and set the table and make sure I designate the time period as "dinner time." I'll admit it: I watch TV while I eat, I am going to keep doing that. But, I still make a concerted effort to stage my environment, put down my fork between bites, and make sure to actually taste the food before I swallow it. I also try to drink a full glass of water 20-30 minutes before eating, even if I forget the time frame, I still drink one even if it's right before. Then I drink another whole glass as part of the meal.

It is worth writing down what my routine / regimen currently looks like:

Meds / Supplements:

• St. John's Wort, 900 mg (600 in the AM & 300 at bedtime)
• Vitamin B Mega-Complex (1 cap in the AM)
• Tylenol PM (1000 mg at bedtime)
• Valerian (1500 mg at bedtime)
• Melatonin (10 mg at bedtime)

Exercise:

• Situps and lower ab crunches (15 ea. 5x week M-F first thing)
• Gym 3x week (M,W, & F before work)
• Beginner full body workout (15-25 min 5x week M-F in the evening)
• Spontaneous use of my hand weights, usually in response to an emotional food trigger

Diet:

• 50% of my calories from vegetables
• Lean protein with every meal
• Portion snacks on plates, and actually portion them
• Keep an honest and complete written track of what I put in my mouth (cock doesn't count unless you actually eat it.)
• Eat mindfully
• Before eating anything at all, drink a glass of water
• Drink a full glass of water first thing in the morning, and at bedtime (I drink a whole glass down with my supplements AM & PM, easy peasy.)
• Do a triple check system when I feel a food craving:
• Am I really hungry or was it an emotional trigger? What am I thinking about?
• Am I thirsty? Drink water and wait 5 minutes.
• Is my body craving activity? Walk around or do a 10 min workout video or use my 15 lbs hand weight and do some arm curls or something, just to see if a little activity will kill the craving.
• Plan out and prep my meals before I'm hungry. Sounds weird, but it keeps me from letting hunger give me permission to deep fry everything and dip it in ranch. 
• If I have a snack craving, at least try some snow peas or carrot sticks or a pickle. I find a pickle usually satisfies my evening snack wants by being savory and crunchy and filling all at once.

I'm happy to announce I am doing good on all of it. I've cleaned up my nutritional regimen, totally changed up my physical activity level, found myself actually interested in it instead of feeling obligated to it, and changed my routines for the better. I have lost all the weight I gained last year -- I am back down to the weight I was at 18 months ago when I last made any concerted effort to diet. I am feeling better, sleeping better, and have seen a huge improvement in my mental state and the best part -- I am still actively looking for ways to make it even better.

Something about me has changed. As I already said, I find myself interested in it and I see the results and I want to see more. When I've done this before I've tended to see only the long term goal, not the process. I hate T-shirt wisdom, but the journey really is the important part. It's not like when I get to my goal weight I can just go back to sitting in front of the TV sucking down 3 frozen pizzas a week. I will have to maintain my dietary and exercise goals for life. And that doesn't bother me this time. I don't see the goal weight as the "stopping point" any more.

In fact, there is ample evidence that people who have lost large amounts of weight -- more than 25% of their body weight or greater, have to eat a calorie reduced diet for life to maintain that weight, as much as 10% less daily calories than someone who has been at or close to a healthy weight their whole life. Your metabolism as a "set point" that goes up much easier than it goes down, and it is an evolutionary survival trait for all humans. Our bodies are built to store fat (energy) and will store as much as we give it. It's pretty basic: what goes in, goes in. It only comes out if we do something to use it up. There is also ample evidence that muscle building exercise is critical in maintaining a healthy weight. Even though you don't burn a lot of calories while you are lifting weights, the amount of energy your body uses actually building muscle tissue has benefits equal to cardio, but in the form of changing your actual shape, not just the number on the scale. Keeping muscle strength up also contributes to bone density and triggers endorphin cascades in your brain which help regulate all kinds of things including mood and appetite control.

So, it's been a good week. I was probably too hard on myself 2 weeks ago for not working out that much and going off the wagon in a few little ways. The truth is I hurt myself (my foot) and I needed some time to heal and that included some food indulgences too. I am determined that I am going to do this in a way that is psychologically and emotionally satisfying to me. And this week I saw the real proof that my goals are working. And instead of taking that as permission to back slide a little, I have seen it as evidence that I should keep going forward.

plateaus and renewal of goals

OK so I haven't written in over a month. Oops. Whatever, I forgive myself.

So, it's been a month. And my weight has pretty much plateaued. Overall, I've lost about 10 lbs in the 2 months since I started actively tracking my diet and exercise 11/11/18. Yes, 10 lbs is something to be happy about and I am. However, that is not enough -- that is just over 1 lb a week, which would be good except that I got down to my current weight the first month and now there has been no net change since. I did  "lose" some this month, but that is because I actually gained back 4 lbs.

My physical appearance is important to me, I proudly own that. I am acutely (pun intended) aware of the health consequences of being 100 lbs overweight and I see the health benefits too. I'm pretty sure they go hand in hand. In fact, I got my first "notice" that I am loosing weight from a co-worker who wouldn't say so if she didn't mean it, so that was a nice compliment. And I have noticed my belt is getting looser. (NOTE: I should start measuring myself again...) And I have noted that since I started doing core strength training, I am having an easier time getting in and out of the car and up and down from the floor, and my balance is better -- I don't have to hop around and grab things to put on socks. And, I haven't even considered eating a frozen pizza in weeks, and have barely eaten any bread. My diet is a lot cleaner than it has ever been, and I am feeling better.

HOWEVER: I am not losing weight fast enough. Right around the New Year I decided I was not happy with that rate of weight loss, and that in fact it seems pretty clear to me that diet alone is not going to get me to the body I want. To that end, I joined Planet Fitness, went once, and pulled a muscle in my foot (or something, strained my foot and ended up limping for a week.) In the interim, because I did not want to go to the gym while I was in that much foot pain -- it really hurt, I did a random YouTube search for a home workout and discovered HASFit.

So I've been active, but have not been back to the gym since 1/4/19. I think my foot is better so I am aiming to go back to the gym tomorrow morning. My goal is to go 3x a week, preferably M-W-F because I am still wanting to insulate the weekends as my cocooning time. I don't exercise on the weekends, I do what I want even if that is nothing, and if there are any indulgence foods I have planned, that is also when I eat them. So if I miss a planned gym day, I am hoping to have enough discipline to go another weekday.

I am determined that this is going to work. I am 46 not 96. It's not too late to turn my health around, and it's not too late to have the physical shape that I want. Brad Pitt is 55, Tom Cruise is 56 -- I am not an old man is my point. I am still youngish, and I know I am never going to look 25 again, and that is fine with me, but I can still fix my weight. I have gotten so fat I don't look like myself even to me anymore, and I don't picture a skinny guy when I picture me. And I'm all done with that. I joke about wanting my 20-something body back, but actually I was in really bad shape, flabby with no body strength. I couldn't do 2 sit-ups back then. I was a "skinny fat." (LOL - thank you Jane Lynch and 'Weeds' for that term...) I want to be in good physical health, including my body shape and weight. I want to by clothes because they will look good on me, not because of how I will look in them. My old blog was called "Look Good In A Tight T-shirt," and that remains a benchmark.

Coach Kozak from HASFit.com 

I am back down to the weight I was at in the summer of 2017 when I started trying to lose weight again for the millionth time with no plan but to change my diet. That sounds bad, like not an awesome achievement. LOL. But I take it as a good goal post. That means I have lost all the weight I gained from consoling myself with gluttony and booze when my life took a nose dive that fall. Since then I have been by necessity focused on establishing sustainable self sufficiency again, but I've got that part pretty much on auto pilot now. And I've noted that since I passed that particular marker, my attention has turned back to my weight and my appearance. I have a window right now where there is room for a new priority in my lifestyle. I have had those windows before and I often squandered them on sloth or indolence. But not this time. I am going to keep dogging away at this until it works.

I'm trying not to fanboy on Coach Kozak and HASFit. But there is something I really like about him and his wife and co-coach Claudia and their family and their story. It helps that he is hot, but lots of trainers are hot. I just like him, and I like his motivational approach. Another quote by him that I really like, is about time spent on social media, "We should spend less time fantasizing about other people's reality and more on making ours how we want it." And, "The difference between you today and you next week is what you do in the next 7 days." And the YouTube channel has every type and level of workout as well as vlog-style videos about lifestyle health like diet and routine and how to do it on a budget and how to include fitness in your day to day life. I would encourage anyone to utilize this YouTube channel or any other they like as a backup or supplement to a gym workout regimen. It helped me to stay accountable when I wasn't able to go to the gym, and when I was in jeopardy of relapsing back to my old habits -- my go-to for comfort / stress / failure relief is food. And I know that physical activity elevates my mood and my willpower and often completely evaporates emotional / psychological hunger. So, thankfully I had the internal resources to search for an exercise video instead of a sandwich, and it paid off.

Anyway, that has been my month. I really was teetering on the edge of a relapse there for a minute. I was about to quit Weight Watchers and say fuck the gym. I was having those bad self-thoughts again like, "I was just born to be fat," and, "I just need to accept myself as I am," -- no thank you. I do not accept high blood pressure, diabetes, sleep apnea and an early death. I know from having been much smaller and in better cardio condition that those things go away when you lose weight and stay active. And I do not accept that there is anything about myself I can't change if I prioritize it. I will be who I say I am, I will have the body shape and the physical health that I want, and I will get there by my own determination and plan.

Lettuce for the win...

Well, good news I lost 3 lbs.

Also noted that pretty much the minute I started eating a salad every day and trying to get 50% or more of my calories from vegetable two things happened:

1. I have not even thought of eating a Tums, let alone the 3-5 a day I was taking before.
2. I have been sleeping much better.

I attribute this entirely to my diet. It is the only change I made last week. Who knew? Lettuce is a sleep med.

I was pretty sure I was going to like what I saw when I got on the scale. I noted about mid-week doing up my pants in the bathroom at work that I didn't have to cinch my belt tight to get to the first hole on my belt (I was down to the 4th hole....) It has been getting to the point I was considering buying a bigger belt. So I was very pleased when I yanked on my belt to get it to go to the 1st hole and it went past there. That's a win, I'll take it.

I did fall off the wagon a little on Friday. I ate a whole Walmart pepperoni pizza, which is 56 points on WW. (More than a whole day's points...) and I drank quite a bit of beer, like..... almost a 12 pack. However, that was the only time I drank all week, and I did it consciously -- I knew I was going to, I planned it, including my own little dance party, and I enjoyed it. (Rather than suffering both a hangover and crushing guilt the next day, I was like, "Hm. Yeah, I'm a little shitty this morning, but that was fun.")

I'm 10 days out from the 6-week mark on the St. John's Wort and I can definitely tell I am starting to level out. I'm not having the side effects that much any more, although taking it on an empty stomach is still pretty ugly afterward in terms of yucky stomach feeling. Once I hit the 6-week mark I am going to probably start taking 450 mg 2x/day instead of 300 3x. I find taking a pill mid-day is inconvenient and I have to carry a sketchy looking ziplock bag in my pocket with an unmarked pill in it -- I work in a healthcare facility, that is just not good. 

I have also increased my Valerian to 1500 mg (from 1000) at bedtime, and it is working much better. I don't really like Sleepytime Tea, and it wasn't doing that much for me. I'd rather drink a cup of tea whose taste I actually enjoy for the relaxation / psychic benefits, and also, I like a cup of tea in the late afternoon (tea time...) rather than at bedtime. I like the idea of drinking tea to help me relax and refocus my attention on my well-being. It's just that the Sleepytime was not effective as a treatment for me. And the taste is merely tolerable, not that enjoyable.

I started using an activity tracker last week and saw the actual hard data that I am not getting enough physical activity by about half or more. Gotta raise the bar on that. More activity will be this week's #1 point to work on.

Overall, I am happy with the direction things are going. My weight is going down and the quality of my sleep and my moods is going up. I got this.

OMG I'm so fat

OK, so this happened on FB which makes it real.

I'm not just being dramatic, either. I'm so fat that my office chair wheels don't roll when I scoot the chair, they just drag because they're flattened to the floor. And I went for a 2 mile walk yesterday and today my "bad hip" is "acting up" for the first time in months. The last time was when I climbed Acadia Mountain, which is a hard trail. So strolling down the street with my headphones on and my hip is sore like after I climbed a mountain just a few months ago. Also while I was on that walk, my knee on my "good side" gave that little warning twinge. I'm getting too fat for my skeleton to carry me.

Yes, I am making mockery of it a little. It's part of how I deal with stuff. I'm sarcastic, even toward myself. And also, seriously those things all happened.

Here's the good parts though:

I did go for a walk.

And today I made sure to walk a whole mile outdoors, which is four times around the building, done in 2 laps before and 2 laps after lunch. My office walking buddy went with me.

And I renewed my membership to WW, the re-branded Weight Watchers. It worked really well for me before -- it is what I was doing back in '11-'12 when I got really skinny for a while. I re-remembered that the Points system activates my competitiveness. It's nice to see they let you have carry-over points, that is a new part of the program. It's Scientology for fat people, but it works.

I dug out my exercise clothes. No one wants to see that, not even me, so don't ask. But I did YouTube some yoga videos and used my free weights for like 5 minutes. I picture how I plan to look in them, and do not look in the mirror while I do yoga.

So, I'm feeling pretty enthusiastic about stuff. I do know how to eat clean and get my exercise. I know I can do it. I've done it before, and that was mostly by accident, like the first 40 lbs anyway. So on purpose, I'm sure I can do it.

I have re-resolved my vow to put my silverware down between bites. I've actually been doing that one at home for a couple weeks, and I'll start it at work, too. People already think I'm weird.

This guy is still in there somewhere:

I'm printing these out and putting them on the fridge and in the bathroom and by my desk. In addition to being that vain for real, they are going to motivate me. You know what's fucked up -- I thought I was fat in these pics. (In 2012 and 2011.)(I was 40.)