The whole nitty gritty of my diet, what exactly I eat

I've been wanting to write a post for a while that describes my diet plan in detail. I have said a lot that I made a complete change in my dietary regimen, but I rarely discuss what I actually eat, or what my practical rules are. So here goes:

First of all, I am doing Weight Watchers (which has re-branded itself, "WW.") I really like WW, and I think they are one of the only weight loss plans that is science-based and maintainable. I find that their "PointsPlus" system works really well for me. It keeps me accountable without obsessing over calories, and teaches healthy eating habits by rewarding positive behaviors. Rather than restriction, WW is focused on creating a diet and activity routine that works for individuals, and makes you feel good and want to do the right thing. It is oriented toward individual plans, flexibility and results.

I do also use MyFitnessPal because I want to track my macros, which is one thing that WW does not let you track. And, I have found by comparing my WW data with MyFitnessPal data that the WW system is legit -- I see comparable data between them, although WW is a little more forgiving toward some foods in terms of how many calories they really have. I also find that MyFitnessPal is a better tracker for my cardio and weight lifting, and it is so easy to use that it doesn't bother me to be tracking everything twice.

In spite of my glowing review of WW, I am actually considering cancelling my membership. I have re-set my nutritional profile. I am eating under my WW points every day, and I have learned what I can and can't do in terms of food and stay on my health goals. WW costs me $20 / mo which is not terrible, but I could use the extra money -- who couldn't? That's a tank of gas (well, like 2/3...) or a self-treat, or savings. I am smashing my goals, and I have learned the why and how behind all of it, I'm not so dependent on WW to give me direction any more. I am not decided on it either way, and I have to stay until May to be able to cancel without paying a fee, so a couple more months anyway.

OK -- the food, Kyle. What the fuck do you eat?

As I often point out: Saturday is my "Zero Day," meaning I eat whatever I want on Saturday. The rest of the week, I have the following rules:

• Eat a salad for lunch
• 50%+ of my calories from vegetables, all the time
• Eat a lean protein with every meal
• One 24-hour fast every week (usually Fri into Sat.)
• Drink a minimum of 64 oz. of water a day, a full 8 oz. at least 15 minutes before every meal

So, my daily breakfast:

• Mon - Fri I usually eat about 1 cup of fresh fruit with approx. 2 tbls of Greek yogurt and about 1/8 of a cup (yes that little) (yes, I measure it) of Kashi Go Lean Granola.
• On Saturday I usually don't eat breakfast
• On Sunday I usually make myself a 2-egg omelet with whatever vegetables I feel like that day, about 1 oz of feta cheese, 2 oven-baked hash-brown patties, 1 English muffin and sometimes (about every other week) 3 slices of oven-baked turkey bacon.

My daily lunch:

• Six days a week I make a large salad consisting of ~ (approximate amounts)
• 2 cups shredded iceberg lettuce, 2 cups mixed spinach, baby kale and chard greens, 1 cup dry coleslaw mix
• 1/2 cup diced onion, mixed bell peppers, garlic and jalapeno and / or cubanelle peppers
• 1/4 cup sliced salad olives
• 1 dill pickle spear
• either roasted red peppers or banana peppers
• a handful each of medium black olives and garbanzo beans
• 6 oz. of either deli turkey or imitation crab meat or grilled chicken breast
• 1 large hard boiled egg
• a healthy sprinkle of mixed hemp, chia and flax seed (I am switching to ground)
• a palmful of mixed nuts (usually peanuts, sunflower seeds, walnuts, pecans, almonds, pumpkin seeds, and cashews -- whatever I grab at the dollar store, it's WAY cheaper to make my own mixed nut blend than to buy it that way...)
• sometimes a sprinkle of bacon bits, literally a sprinkle just for the taste boost
• I make my own salad dressing every day in a little tiny container, normally with like a half tsp of oil, hot sauce, dry spices, lime or lemon juice, apple cider vinegar and spicy mustard and / or balsamic vinegar. Sometimes I switch it up to pesto, and once in a while I do a peanut-butter based quasi-Asian style dressing. Like 50 calories at most, usually less than 10.
• On Saturdays I usually don't eat lunch. If I do, it is a salad.

My daily dinners:

• Six days a week, I am boring as fuck and I eat basically the same thing every day:
• Either a chicken breast or a lean pork chop
• A huge fucking pile of vegetables, here are the ones I prefer (not all of these every meal:)
• Brussels Sprouts (I eat them like every other day, or more)
• Summer Squash & Zucchini
• Asparagus (I buy a big bunch every 2 weeks when I go grocery shopping)
• Mixed bell peppers
• Onion (I eat at least 1 whole onion a day between my lunch and dinner, usually more)
• Garlic (I eat a shitload of garlic)
• Broccoli & Califlour
• Red potato (I love potatoes and it is a BS lie that you can't eat them and lose weight.)
• Ginger (I eat a LOT of ginger)
• jalapeno
• I use whatever dry spices I like any given day, salt & pepper to taste, toss it all together, wrap it in foil and let it cook in my toaster oven on 420 for an hour, uncovered and on broil the last 15 min. Sometimes the potatoes take a little longer to get to the softness that I like if I didn't pre-heat the oven first. 
• On Saturday I sometimes eat the above. But, I also allow myself to have "indulgence meals" on Saturday if I want them. I often have Buffalo chicken tenders and oven-baked french fries. Last week I had sushi. I sometimes have take-out Thai. Whatever. 

My snacks:

• First of all, if I eat something like 1 piece of candy, or drive-by graze a couple chips at work, or something like that, I don't track it and I don't consider it a "snack."
• On Thursdays at work it is "Popcorn Day" and I always eat a bag of popcorn with some shitty super-sodium-artificial-garbage-food flavoring -- I like the "chile lime" mixed with "garlic parm." It's the grossest thing in my diet, totally does not qualify as "eating clean," and I don't give one fuck. It's yummy and it is a highlight of my week. 
• At home in the evening I usually have a couple spoonfuls of fat-free cottage cheese
• When I am prepping my meals for the next day, I also usually have a spoonful of Greek yogurt and a handful of nuts (huhuhu I like nuts in my mouth...) and sometimes a dill pickle spear.
• If I feel actually hungry later in the evening, about once a week I have some saltine crackers with peanut butter.
• A few nights a week I make myself a snack platter with some olives, pickles, and a sliced apple
• Also a couple nights a week, I will eat 2 small frozen (cooked of course) bean & cheese burritos with my home made pico de gallo.

"Forbidden Foods"

I do not have any forbidden foods. If I want something, I have it. I do have some rules about certain types of foods though.

• I no longer eat sandwich bread. If I do eat anything like a sandwich, it is in a wrap. I do still eat English muffins once in a while. And I have eaten at Subway a couple times which was a whole wheat sub roll. So really, I don't make or buy bread any more, but it is not totally out of my diet.
• I have not eaten pizza at home, period. And I have only eaten 2 pieces of pizza -- at a party at work -- since I started losing weight in November 2018. Frozen pizzas were a huge problem for me, I was eating an average of 2 a week by myself. They are a binge food for me. I cannot control my eating if I have one in the house -- I will eat the entire pizza in one sitting, and then have another meal afterward. I cannot yet trust myself with pizza. This is the closest thing to a "forbidden" food for me.
• I've stopped eating chips and things like trail mix. Those are also binge foods for me. I only allow myself to buy saltine crackers, and even with those I have to use a lot of self control. 
• I also use the following rule to check in with myself before I eat a snack or an unplanned meal: drink a whole glass of water and wait at least 15 minutes. If you're still hungry after that, eat something, but start with some pea pods or carrots and see what happens from there.

I didn't mention coffee. I drink coffee with non-dairy creamer and Stevia extract. I drink as much coffee as I want, and I do not track it. I don't care. I tend to drink about 3 cups of coffee a day, although sometimes I have a cup of coffee after lunch at work. If I have any coffee after 2 pm or so, I have decaf. I love coffee and no one will ever convince me to stop. There is plenty of supporting data for the positive benefits of coffee, and the amount of additives I put in it are negligible in terms of diet.

So that's that. My whole diet. It's not that impressive. But, it is a vegetable-based whole food diet that is very low carb, high protein, fat-adapted. I am not specifically eating the Paleo diet, but it is pretty close. I have also read the book, "It Starts With Food," which is the Whole30 diet, and again, I am not doing the Whole30, but close. I don't totally agree with any diet plan that is out there, but the two I mention here are ones that I think are science-based and do not have any long term health risks.

42 lbs lost and going strong

I said I'd have a better story this week and I definitely do. Weighed in at 255 lbs, so I lost 7 lbs this week and 42 lbs since the start. Also took my measurements and I am happy to report I have lost 1/2 an inch off my neck, 1"inch each from my chest and stomach, and 2" inches off my thigh. 💪✔

As I've already mentioned on Facebook, I noticed for the first time that my pecs are starting to be visible when I flex them, and I am starting to be able to see and feel that my booty is getting nicer. I noticed it first early in the week when I realized my underwear is fitting different. Then, I also did a "feel test" so to speak later in the week, right after I got off the treadmill from doing a hill challenge and I was like, "OMG, I can grab a handful back there. Sweet." I noticed last week that my stomach is getting visibly smaller, and that it doesn't feel all hard and pushed out and my shirts are falling lower on me -- I don't feel all the time like my belly is hanging out of my clothes.

I was feeling a little discouraged earlier in the week because I was kind of treading water in terms of losing weight. I went to the gym 4 times and worked out at home 6 days, and was staying the same weight every day. Then, this morning I got on the scale and was like, "Holy shit! Seriously?" I actually weighed myself again (which I rarely ever do) just to make sure and it was the same to the tenth of a pound. Hell yeah, 7 lbs. So my body was just messing with me -- holding out on letting go of some poundage to test me. It was a test, too. I was feeling like my effort was wasted or I was doing it wrong. Even though this week was also the week I started to actually be able to see physical results from exercise, in fact, I think that made it even more confounding to have the scale be so stubborn.

And really, I am down 14 lbs from last Saturday. I reported my Fri weight last week... 'cause I was ashamed of what I had done to tank my diet on my mini-vaca. I also only went to the gym Mon & Tues last week. I will confess now that I actually gained weight last week, almost 8 lbs. So really, it took me a hella lot of effort to bang that number back down to where it was. I ate at a 1000 calorie deficit for 3 days and did 80 minutes on the treadmill between the gym and home every day. It took me until Wednesday to get back down to where I was the first day of my mini-vaca last week. Then I lost another 9 lbs. I am fairly certain a lot of it was water weight, considering I had to pee probably twice as often as usual all week.

I would not be surprised to find out all of it was water weight. When I say I tanked my diet I am not kidding. I ate more than I should have the whole 4 1/2 days, had all kinds of garbage food, and a couple mild binges. I say mild binges because it was really just good old fashioned overeating, but I was aware that I was responding to psychological eating triggers and still couldn't stop myself, so slow-roll binge eating.

I also got drunk 4 nights last week. The liquor itself is not really the problem in terms of calories -- I am not a drunk eater, I skip meals when I drink. The problem is that alcohol fucks up my system for days sometimes; water retention, sodium cravings, yo-yo weight, and it ruins any plan I might have to work out, even a short walk on the treadmill. I normally don't let myself drink more than once a week, but again -- "mini-vaca" was a drinking trigger. Additionally, I forget to take my meds at bedtime when I drink, so I seriously fucked up my St. John's levels last week, I could feel that I was unstable, which also contributed to binge eating.

I never understood how connected my weight and depression were until it started to get better. I also really love how exercising makes me feel, so being hung over 4 days last week (including a work day... ug...) also wrecked my ability to work out. On Sunday, I was like, "Fuck this. I have got to get on the treadmill and work this shit out." I did 95 minutes in two sessions and actually did feel pretty good after. But, I still didn't make it to the gym Monday morning. I didn't have enough recovery time from my little 5-day party, and in fact I was at a sleep deficit all week.

This coming week, I am going to have to even it out a little bit. I don't want to set the bar higher at this point. I am at a level of activity that is right at the edge of my ability to maintain. That is fine, but I am not ready to step it up yet. I am still struggling to get into a set pattern, and my first and most important rule is: I will hit every one of my goals 100%, which means I am not allowing myself to set goals I can't get to. Every goal moves up (or down) in small increments. I also like the feeling I get from pushing myself past those marks, so I actually feel incentivized by my goals. I did temporarily move the bar up this week because I fucked up so bad the week before. (See: Squeaked through.) I just need to remind myself that this was a temporary adjustment, not the new bar height.

LOL. I had a great week, lost a ton of weight, noticed my muscles getting bigger and my measurements changed significantly for the better, and my clothes are fitting nicer. And I'm trashing myself for not hitting every single goal. OK, no more of that nonsense! I had a great week and I am going to have another great week this coming week, too.

Not perfect, but I'll take it

Weighed in this morning at 272, meaning I've officially lost 25 lbs. 

I am feeling the difference literally. I said last week I had to tighten my belt down a notch; I am going to have to do it again pretty soon -- in fact, yesterday I did cinch it down another notch and it wasn't horrible, although I know I could not have worn it that way all day. But I was able to, which is great. 

Met all my goals last week, although I just barely scraped by. As I say in the title of this post though, it's not perfect, but I'll take it. I did hit all my goals. But, because I decided it would be a great idea to get drunk on Thursday night, I did not go the gym before work, and it was a struggle to make myself go after, but I did. So, I did manage to hit the gym 4 times. 

Ug. I took myself out to Subway yesterday. (Fri.) I was at an all-day training off-site, so I used that as an excuse to treat myself. I resisted the urge to go to Burger King, but when I got to Subway I failed at my resolve to get a chopped salad instead of a sub, so I wolfed down a foot-long Italian BMT with a Coke and a bag of Salt & Vinegar chips. It was very difficult being truthful about what I ate when I was entering that meal into my WW tracker. 42 points -- my entire days worth of points on one meal. And, when I got to the gym my pre-workout heart rate was 110, when my normal heart rate any other day is about 65. Can you say sodium?? And Subway is endorsed by the American Heart Association, that's scary really. It was quite eye-opening. 

The negatives of that aside, I still enjoyed myself and I don't mind a little indulgence once in a while, it is in my overall nutritional budget, and honestly it was the chips and the soda that probably spiked my blood pressure. And, no I will not ever drink a Diet Coke -- yuck, disgusting. I drink soda so rarely I truly could not tell you when was the last time I had one. I never buy it, I don't consider it a beverage choice. So one Coca-Cola every few months is a non-issue, and it has the positive of being a really satisfying indulgence. Also, chips are something I don't eat any more. And salt & vinegar are my favorite, I'm salivating writing about it. LOL. So, it was a good self-care meal, although the nutritional bases were not really met. And I woke up this morning and still lost weight, so I call it a win. 

So I said if I could pull off going to the gym 4x this past week, I would test drive going 5 days, every work day. We'll see what happens Monday morning. I was tentatively considering trying out 5 days this week, but Mon morning I just could not get out of bed an hour early. And then when I didn't go Fri morning because of the hangover, I was like, Oh shit, I'm gonna fuck it up, I'm only gonna hit 3 days. Fuck. Which is what got me to the gym after work, which was weird and all different people were there and I kinda hated it. So there's an object lesson. I really do prefer going to the gym early in the morning. I have the most energy and it really gets me going, I am starting to really like the feeling I have after I am done working out. I find I am in a good mood, I have a better outlook even on problems, and my ability to set goals and meet them carries over into work and my personal life. So yeah, I am going to try really hard to go 5 days this upcoming week. I am not moving the needle on the goals though, officially my rule will stay 4x/wk. which is up one from 2 weeks ago, so I need to pace myself in terms of how far I step it up. I will only set goals I can achieve 100%. So, this upcoming week, I will test drive going to the gym 5 days, but the goalpost is still 4. 

I also want to make an adjustment to my weekend routine. I am still convinced that I want Saturday to be my Zero Day. I call it a "zero day" instead of a cheat day or something like that because for one, there is no cheating in my plan, there are only misses. And truly, I haven't missed my goals much and I don't plan to start now. What my "zero day" means is that it is the day of the week where I do not have to do anything if I don't want to, including no diet rules. If I want to stay in my pajamas all day, eat 5 meals and watch 16 hours of Snapped, I do it. However...

I am not happy with the fact that I am regaining weight over the weekend. Pretty much every Mon, I have put on a couple pounds, once it was 9 lbs. (oops...) and I know it is mostly water weight, but I don't like it. I am sabotaging myself and back tracking all my hard work for the sake of some sloth. I am not going to set any rules for Zero Day, other than it is Zero Day. But, I am thinking I want to make a Weekend Rule which says I do have to do something active every day no matter what. I'm averaging 2 lbs. a week lost, which is really great, but I am actually losing 5 - 10 lbs a week but I'm regaining it over the Fri-Mon window. I have observed my metabolism / GI tract seems to have about a 48 hour cycle, so often I don't see a difference on the scale for 2 days, although when I am active, I see the number go down the very next day. So..... being even the least bit active has an exponentially larger positive impact. I am hoping this will allow me to continue to insulate my Zero Day but not have to deal with the resulting weight gain. I can accept that my weight is going to fluctuate, and I do understand how water weight works, but I still don't want to see the scale go up. I am going to try to minimize that, but I need Zero Day for my psychological well-being. 

Well, I guess that covers my week. Onward!

plateaus and renewal of goals

OK so I haven't written in over a month. Oops. Whatever, I forgive myself.

So, it's been a month. And my weight has pretty much plateaued. Overall, I've lost about 10 lbs in the 2 months since I started actively tracking my diet and exercise 11/11/18. Yes, 10 lbs is something to be happy about and I am. However, that is not enough -- that is just over 1 lb a week, which would be good except that I got down to my current weight the first month and now there has been no net change since. I did  "lose" some this month, but that is because I actually gained back 4 lbs.

My physical appearance is important to me, I proudly own that. I am acutely (pun intended) aware of the health consequences of being 100 lbs overweight and I see the health benefits too. I'm pretty sure they go hand in hand. In fact, I got my first "notice" that I am loosing weight from a co-worker who wouldn't say so if she didn't mean it, so that was a nice compliment. And I have noticed my belt is getting looser. (NOTE: I should start measuring myself again...) And I have noted that since I started doing core strength training, I am having an easier time getting in and out of the car and up and down from the floor, and my balance is better -- I don't have to hop around and grab things to put on socks. And, I haven't even considered eating a frozen pizza in weeks, and have barely eaten any bread. My diet is a lot cleaner than it has ever been, and I am feeling better.

HOWEVER: I am not losing weight fast enough. Right around the New Year I decided I was not happy with that rate of weight loss, and that in fact it seems pretty clear to me that diet alone is not going to get me to the body I want. To that end, I joined Planet Fitness, went once, and pulled a muscle in my foot (or something, strained my foot and ended up limping for a week.) In the interim, because I did not want to go to the gym while I was in that much foot pain -- it really hurt, I did a random YouTube search for a home workout and discovered HASFit.

So I've been active, but have not been back to the gym since 1/4/19. I think my foot is better so I am aiming to go back to the gym tomorrow morning. My goal is to go 3x a week, preferably M-W-F because I am still wanting to insulate the weekends as my cocooning time. I don't exercise on the weekends, I do what I want even if that is nothing, and if there are any indulgence foods I have planned, that is also when I eat them. So if I miss a planned gym day, I am hoping to have enough discipline to go another weekday.

I am determined that this is going to work. I am 46 not 96. It's not too late to turn my health around, and it's not too late to have the physical shape that I want. Brad Pitt is 55, Tom Cruise is 56 -- I am not an old man is my point. I am still youngish, and I know I am never going to look 25 again, and that is fine with me, but I can still fix my weight. I have gotten so fat I don't look like myself even to me anymore, and I don't picture a skinny guy when I picture me. And I'm all done with that. I joke about wanting my 20-something body back, but actually I was in really bad shape, flabby with no body strength. I couldn't do 2 sit-ups back then. I was a "skinny fat." (LOL - thank you Jane Lynch and 'Weeds' for that term...) I want to be in good physical health, including my body shape and weight. I want to by clothes because they will look good on me, not because of how I will look in them. My old blog was called "Look Good In A Tight T-shirt," and that remains a benchmark.

Coach Kozak from HASFit.com 

I am back down to the weight I was at in the summer of 2017 when I started trying to lose weight again for the millionth time with no plan but to change my diet. That sounds bad, like not an awesome achievement. LOL. But I take it as a good goal post. That means I have lost all the weight I gained from consoling myself with gluttony and booze when my life took a nose dive that fall. Since then I have been by necessity focused on establishing sustainable self sufficiency again, but I've got that part pretty much on auto pilot now. And I've noted that since I passed that particular marker, my attention has turned back to my weight and my appearance. I have a window right now where there is room for a new priority in my lifestyle. I have had those windows before and I often squandered them on sloth or indolence. But not this time. I am going to keep dogging away at this until it works.

I'm trying not to fanboy on Coach Kozak and HASFit. But there is something I really like about him and his wife and co-coach Claudia and their family and their story. It helps that he is hot, but lots of trainers are hot. I just like him, and I like his motivational approach. Another quote by him that I really like, is about time spent on social media, "We should spend less time fantasizing about other people's reality and more on making ours how we want it." And, "The difference between you today and you next week is what you do in the next 7 days." And the YouTube channel has every type and level of workout as well as vlog-style videos about lifestyle health like diet and routine and how to do it on a budget and how to include fitness in your day to day life. I would encourage anyone to utilize this YouTube channel or any other they like as a backup or supplement to a gym workout regimen. It helped me to stay accountable when I wasn't able to go to the gym, and when I was in jeopardy of relapsing back to my old habits -- my go-to for comfort / stress / failure relief is food. And I know that physical activity elevates my mood and my willpower and often completely evaporates emotional / psychological hunger. So, thankfully I had the internal resources to search for an exercise video instead of a sandwich, and it paid off.

Anyway, that has been my month. I really was teetering on the edge of a relapse there for a minute. I was about to quit Weight Watchers and say fuck the gym. I was having those bad self-thoughts again like, "I was just born to be fat," and, "I just need to accept myself as I am," -- no thank you. I do not accept high blood pressure, diabetes, sleep apnea and an early death. I know from having been much smaller and in better cardio condition that those things go away when you lose weight and stay active. And I do not accept that there is anything about myself I can't change if I prioritize it. I will be who I say I am, I will have the body shape and the physical health that I want, and I will get there by my own determination and plan.

Thanksgiving (back) Slide

Oops. Gained 2 lbs. I choose to spin this as a positive, as that means I have still lost 1 lb since I started weighing myself again. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Not only did Thanksgiving happen, wherein I actually ate so much that I couldn't find a comfortable position, sitting, standing or laying down for about 45 min after I packed the last mouthful into my throat with a jackhammer. (Not literally, but...... oink oink.) I also took a 4-day weekend from work, and didn't fall off the wagon, I was like, "Stop this shitty wagon, I'm getting off."

Admittedly, I semi-planned this. I knew I would do my favorite thing to do when I have a mini-vaca: go into Hobbit Mode, i.e.: stay home in my comfy clothes, eat 6 meals a day of super yummy comfort food, smoke the halfling leaf, and drink a gallon of beer or ten.

I didn't drink that much truly -- the St. John's Wort does seem to have the unexpected side effect of lessening to outright killing my taste for booze. I like this development, although I have also had a couple disappointing attempts to party like it's 1999 and ended up watching TV with an early-onset hangover, eating Ibuprofen and guzzling water.

I knew I was not going to see the same results as last week is my point. And, I am giving myself a pass. A conditional pass. The condition is: as long as I am right back on the wagon tomorrow (Monday) and I stay on the wagon all week, meaning next weekend, too, I am preemptively forgiving myself for this past week. I'm disappointed to see the number go up on the scale, but not surprised as I consciously (pretty much) gave permission for it to happen.

Here's the real issue: I need to look into finding some different self care / hide-at-home tactics. It's so ingrained in me that unsupervised free time = monkey brain stuff (i.e.: eat, drink, binge porn) that I truly don't even know what an alternative Perfect Weekend At Home Alone would look like. So there's a goal: find new things to picture when I hear the lyric, "...working for the weekend." And no one say fucking coloring. No, I'm not gonna fucking color. I hated coloring when I was a kid, and it is just fucking stupid. There, I feel better now that I said that. (And if you love coloring, great -- you do you, I'll do me.) But really, I gotta come up with some other things I find awesomely soul-feeding and immersive all weekend fun time.

So, today is my last day of the 4-day mini-vaca. I have another one in December. (Xmas is a Tue so I am taking Mon & Tue off that week.) While I cram myself full of fried food with one hand and spank it with the other one while I guzzle down whiskey (not really, at least not whiskey, not on a work night...) I will also contemplate other things that I might enjoy doing instead. Maybe I'll develop an obsessive fascination with fitness. Or stabbing my eyeballs with needles.

Anyway. You already know about me that I have to mock myself to be forthcoming about my true self sometimes. And that is just fine. I'm going to formulate a trial game plan for my December 4-day weekend that involves healthier pursuits. And jerking off, it's the most exercise I've gotten all weekend.

OMG I'm so fat

OK, so this happened on FB which makes it real.

I'm not just being dramatic, either. I'm so fat that my office chair wheels don't roll when I scoot the chair, they just drag because they're flattened to the floor. And I went for a 2 mile walk yesterday and today my "bad hip" is "acting up" for the first time in months. The last time was when I climbed Acadia Mountain, which is a hard trail. So strolling down the street with my headphones on and my hip is sore like after I climbed a mountain just a few months ago. Also while I was on that walk, my knee on my "good side" gave that little warning twinge. I'm getting too fat for my skeleton to carry me.

Yes, I am making mockery of it a little. It's part of how I deal with stuff. I'm sarcastic, even toward myself. And also, seriously those things all happened.

Here's the good parts though:

I did go for a walk.

And today I made sure to walk a whole mile outdoors, which is four times around the building, done in 2 laps before and 2 laps after lunch. My office walking buddy went with me.

And I renewed my membership to WW, the re-branded Weight Watchers. It worked really well for me before -- it is what I was doing back in '11-'12 when I got really skinny for a while. I re-remembered that the Points system activates my competitiveness. It's nice to see they let you have carry-over points, that is a new part of the program. It's Scientology for fat people, but it works.

I dug out my exercise clothes. No one wants to see that, not even me, so don't ask. But I did YouTube some yoga videos and used my free weights for like 5 minutes. I picture how I plan to look in them, and do not look in the mirror while I do yoga.

So, I'm feeling pretty enthusiastic about stuff. I do know how to eat clean and get my exercise. I know I can do it. I've done it before, and that was mostly by accident, like the first 40 lbs anyway. So on purpose, I'm sure I can do it.

I have re-resolved my vow to put my silverware down between bites. I've actually been doing that one at home for a couple weeks, and I'll start it at work, too. People already think I'm weird.

This guy is still in there somewhere:

I'm printing these out and putting them on the fridge and in the bathroom and by my desk. In addition to being that vain for real, they are going to motivate me. You know what's fucked up -- I thought I was fat in these pics. (In 2012 and 2011.)(I was 40.)