42 lbs lost and going strong

I said I'd have a better story this week and I definitely do. Weighed in at 255 lbs, so I lost 7 lbs this week and 42 lbs since the start. Also took my measurements and I am happy to report I have lost 1/2 an inch off my neck, 1"inch each from my chest and stomach, and 2" inches off my thigh. 💪✔

As I've already mentioned on Facebook, I noticed for the first time that my pecs are starting to be visible when I flex them, and I am starting to be able to see and feel that my booty is getting nicer. I noticed it first early in the week when I realized my underwear is fitting different. Then, I also did a "feel test" so to speak later in the week, right after I got off the treadmill from doing a hill challenge and I was like, "OMG, I can grab a handful back there. Sweet." I noticed last week that my stomach is getting visibly smaller, and that it doesn't feel all hard and pushed out and my shirts are falling lower on me -- I don't feel all the time like my belly is hanging out of my clothes.

I was feeling a little discouraged earlier in the week because I was kind of treading water in terms of losing weight. I went to the gym 4 times and worked out at home 6 days, and was staying the same weight every day. Then, this morning I got on the scale and was like, "Holy shit! Seriously?" I actually weighed myself again (which I rarely ever do) just to make sure and it was the same to the tenth of a pound. Hell yeah, 7 lbs. So my body was just messing with me -- holding out on letting go of some poundage to test me. It was a test, too. I was feeling like my effort was wasted or I was doing it wrong. Even though this week was also the week I started to actually be able to see physical results from exercise, in fact, I think that made it even more confounding to have the scale be so stubborn.

And really, I am down 14 lbs from last Saturday. I reported my Fri weight last week... 'cause I was ashamed of what I had done to tank my diet on my mini-vaca. I also only went to the gym Mon & Tues last week. I will confess now that I actually gained weight last week, almost 8 lbs. So really, it took me a hella lot of effort to bang that number back down to where it was. I ate at a 1000 calorie deficit for 3 days and did 80 minutes on the treadmill between the gym and home every day. It took me until Wednesday to get back down to where I was the first day of my mini-vaca last week. Then I lost another 9 lbs. I am fairly certain a lot of it was water weight, considering I had to pee probably twice as often as usual all week.

I would not be surprised to find out all of it was water weight. When I say I tanked my diet I am not kidding. I ate more than I should have the whole 4 1/2 days, had all kinds of garbage food, and a couple mild binges. I say mild binges because it was really just good old fashioned overeating, but I was aware that I was responding to psychological eating triggers and still couldn't stop myself, so slow-roll binge eating.

I also got drunk 4 nights last week. The liquor itself is not really the problem in terms of calories -- I am not a drunk eater, I skip meals when I drink. The problem is that alcohol fucks up my system for days sometimes; water retention, sodium cravings, yo-yo weight, and it ruins any plan I might have to work out, even a short walk on the treadmill. I normally don't let myself drink more than once a week, but again -- "mini-vaca" was a drinking trigger. Additionally, I forget to take my meds at bedtime when I drink, so I seriously fucked up my St. John's levels last week, I could feel that I was unstable, which also contributed to binge eating.

I never understood how connected my weight and depression were until it started to get better. I also really love how exercising makes me feel, so being hung over 4 days last week (including a work day... ug...) also wrecked my ability to work out. On Sunday, I was like, "Fuck this. I have got to get on the treadmill and work this shit out." I did 95 minutes in two sessions and actually did feel pretty good after. But, I still didn't make it to the gym Monday morning. I didn't have enough recovery time from my little 5-day party, and in fact I was at a sleep deficit all week.

This coming week, I am going to have to even it out a little bit. I don't want to set the bar higher at this point. I am at a level of activity that is right at the edge of my ability to maintain. That is fine, but I am not ready to step it up yet. I am still struggling to get into a set pattern, and my first and most important rule is: I will hit every one of my goals 100%, which means I am not allowing myself to set goals I can't get to. Every goal moves up (or down) in small increments. I also like the feeling I get from pushing myself past those marks, so I actually feel incentivized by my goals. I did temporarily move the bar up this week because I fucked up so bad the week before. (See: Squeaked through.) I just need to remind myself that this was a temporary adjustment, not the new bar height.

LOL. I had a great week, lost a ton of weight, noticed my muscles getting bigger and my measurements changed significantly for the better, and my clothes are fitting nicer. And I'm trashing myself for not hitting every single goal. OK, no more of that nonsense! I had a great week and I am going to have another great week this coming week, too.

Milestone: tightened my belt down a notch

Very good week! Amazing what happens when you set goals and stick to them. Weighed in this week at 277 lbs, which is 18 lbs lost since I started tracking and this week I dropped 4 lbs. Something I see as an even greater success, and a literal milestone: I moved down a belt notch this week. I waited until I couldn't stand the feeling that my pants were going to slide off my hips any more, then one day at work in the bathroom I cinched my belt down another hole -- and much to my surprise, I was comfortable the rest of the day, even sitting down.

I need to start taking my measurements again. I'm sure the belt notch represents a couple inches lost off my waist and I know my muscles are getting bigger because I can see (and feel) the proof. I have a cloth measuring tape and 2 tape measures, you'd think I could find one of them...

Goal: start taking my measurements again.

So what did I do? Well, I went to the gym M, W & F and worked out at home the other two. And I found that as I increased my physical activity, my appetite decreased. I am still using WW to to track my dietary intake and my weight, and I ate less than my daily points allowance every day without feeling hungry. One day I only ate 18 points (which is less than half) and although I did not feel hungry that day, I was really hungry the next day before each meal. It was the only day I came close to eating my whole points allotment. So, I did learn from that a little lesson: don't under-eat, there will be a payback.

I also go the book, "It Starts With Food," and have been reading it as my bathroom book. And I have been watching every documentary or special I can get my hands on between all my TV platforms. I also try to do a 25 min beginner workout on HASFit while I cook dinner, every day. It's interesting to me, and I feel like I'm also helping my brain by watching TV that is actually educational.

I am also doing really well on my plan to eat at least 50% of my calories from vegetables. I have been having a salad for lunch every day at work, and and a lean protein with a mix of roasted or sauteed vegetables for dinner pretty much every day. This has also allowed me to keep some of the comfort meals I like in my diet without them tanking my goals. Those being: Buffalo chicken strips, french fries (oven baked only, no restaurant fries) and I also like Orange Chicken or General Tso's Chicken over white rice. I eat one or both of those once a week, but they have become the exception not the norm. I also haven't eaten a frozen pizza in at least 6 weeks, maybe more, haven't even felt tempted. I did eat 2 slices of pepperoni pizza at work about a month ago, but I actually felt kinda gross afterward. Astonishingly, I have also not eaten sandwich bread in about a month, and only a couple English muffins a week (I like one with my at-home breakfast, so Sat & Sun) and a couple times a week I eat a flour tortilla - -either a wrap of some kind or a fish taco, oh yeah, and I do still keep frozen bean & cheese burritos in the freezer which I tend to use as the base of a meal 1-2 times a week. However -- I never in all my days imagined the day would come that I didn't have a loaf of bread in the house and didn't care. I haven't even bought garden burgers 'cause I don't want to eat bread. And really, garden burgers are kind of gross, dry, carboardy grain-based quasi-bread. I'm not a vegetarian (although sometimes I forget that.) If I want a burger, I'd have a meaty one. With bacon. My standard day-to-day diet is clean enough that I can (literally) stomach some less-than-ideal foods -- they are part of my psychological satisfaction with food.

I am also doing pretty good on my promise to myself that I am going to change the way I experience food. I am working on putting my fork down after every bite. The only time I am not sticking to that is at work, and I will buckle down on that one too. I am also trying to prepare for dinner, not just prepare the food, but prepare my environment. I light some candles and incense and set the table and make sure I designate the time period as "dinner time." I'll admit it: I watch TV while I eat, I am going to keep doing that. But, I still make a concerted effort to stage my environment, put down my fork between bites, and make sure to actually taste the food before I swallow it. I also try to drink a full glass of water 20-30 minutes before eating, even if I forget the time frame, I still drink one even if it's right before. Then I drink another whole glass as part of the meal.

It is worth writing down what my routine / regimen currently looks like:

Meds / Supplements:

• St. John's Wort, 900 mg (600 in the AM & 300 at bedtime)
• Vitamin B Mega-Complex (1 cap in the AM)
• Tylenol PM (1000 mg at bedtime)
• Valerian (1500 mg at bedtime)
• Melatonin (10 mg at bedtime)

Exercise:

• Situps and lower ab crunches (15 ea. 5x week M-F first thing)
• Gym 3x week (M,W, & F before work)
• Beginner full body workout (15-25 min 5x week M-F in the evening)
• Spontaneous use of my hand weights, usually in response to an emotional food trigger

Diet:

• 50% of my calories from vegetables
• Lean protein with every meal
• Portion snacks on plates, and actually portion them
• Keep an honest and complete written track of what I put in my mouth (cock doesn't count unless you actually eat it.)
• Eat mindfully
• Before eating anything at all, drink a glass of water
• Drink a full glass of water first thing in the morning, and at bedtime (I drink a whole glass down with my supplements AM & PM, easy peasy.)
• Do a triple check system when I feel a food craving:
• Am I really hungry or was it an emotional trigger? What am I thinking about?
• Am I thirsty? Drink water and wait 5 minutes.
• Is my body craving activity? Walk around or do a 10 min workout video or use my 15 lbs hand weight and do some arm curls or something, just to see if a little activity will kill the craving.
• Plan out and prep my meals before I'm hungry. Sounds weird, but it keeps me from letting hunger give me permission to deep fry everything and dip it in ranch. 
• If I have a snack craving, at least try some snow peas or carrot sticks or a pickle. I find a pickle usually satisfies my evening snack wants by being savory and crunchy and filling all at once.

I'm happy to announce I am doing good on all of it. I've cleaned up my nutritional regimen, totally changed up my physical activity level, found myself actually interested in it instead of feeling obligated to it, and changed my routines for the better. I have lost all the weight I gained last year -- I am back down to the weight I was at 18 months ago when I last made any concerted effort to diet. I am feeling better, sleeping better, and have seen a huge improvement in my mental state and the best part -- I am still actively looking for ways to make it even better.

Something about me has changed. As I already said, I find myself interested in it and I see the results and I want to see more. When I've done this before I've tended to see only the long term goal, not the process. I hate T-shirt wisdom, but the journey really is the important part. It's not like when I get to my goal weight I can just go back to sitting in front of the TV sucking down 3 frozen pizzas a week. I will have to maintain my dietary and exercise goals for life. And that doesn't bother me this time. I don't see the goal weight as the "stopping point" any more.

In fact, there is ample evidence that people who have lost large amounts of weight -- more than 25% of their body weight or greater, have to eat a calorie reduced diet for life to maintain that weight, as much as 10% less daily calories than someone who has been at or close to a healthy weight their whole life. Your metabolism as a "set point" that goes up much easier than it goes down, and it is an evolutionary survival trait for all humans. Our bodies are built to store fat (energy) and will store as much as we give it. It's pretty basic: what goes in, goes in. It only comes out if we do something to use it up. There is also ample evidence that muscle building exercise is critical in maintaining a healthy weight. Even though you don't burn a lot of calories while you are lifting weights, the amount of energy your body uses actually building muscle tissue has benefits equal to cardio, but in the form of changing your actual shape, not just the number on the scale. Keeping muscle strength up also contributes to bone density and triggers endorphin cascades in your brain which help regulate all kinds of things including mood and appetite control.

So, it's been a good week. I was probably too hard on myself 2 weeks ago for not working out that much and going off the wagon in a few little ways. The truth is I hurt myself (my foot) and I needed some time to heal and that included some food indulgences too. I am determined that I am going to do this in a way that is psychologically and emotionally satisfying to me. And this week I saw the real proof that my goals are working. And instead of taking that as permission to back slide a little, I have seen it as evidence that I should keep going forward.

Spiralize me baby! 5-star week

I didn't write anything last week because I was very disappointed to see the Thanksgiving Backslide continue. I managed to top off at 4 lbs gained, and successfully managed to feel like shit. Oddly, my resolve was hardened by this, an unusual reaction for me. And, I applied myself this week with gusto and hit a new landmark: below 290. There's an 8 where that 9 was. This morning my weight was 287.8, meaning I have lost 7.8 lbs since 11/11/18, four weeks.

I have added some exercise to my routine and will continue adapting it upward as I gain conditioning. I have been using my 30 lb hand weight, and doing sit-ups in the morning as soon as I get out of bed. The first thing I noticed is that it is getting easier to get up and down from the floor. And by the end of the first week, I found the sit-ups getting easier and have added more. I'm still struggling to get enough walking in though. I need to prioritize that this week.

I also stayed within my WW points every day this week. And the scale tells the tale. It works. Eat clean, track your food intake, get some exercise. It works. And I even had enough Points budget to buy some brie (my favorite cheese for snacking) and to eat some fat-free raspberry sherbet -- twice. It was nice to eat an indulgence food and a sweet dessert, both guilt free. Particularly with a big weight drop (I lose 4.5 lbs this week...) to underscore the success, I am feeling really good.

I had a really stressful work week, so I was a little surprised to see myself stay so disciplined. Normally, I would be opportunistic toward something like that -- it is primed for a crash & burn that I excuse myself from any culpability for. Instead, I doubled down on my good habits. Very interesting.

I even didn't buy a pizza yesterday while I was out doing my grocery shopping. I like to shop at Save-A-Lot because you really do save a lot, and their produce and deli are just as fresh as anyone's. But, I had to go to Walmart to get cat stuff (litter and food) and I wanted to buy myself a spiralizer, so I also got the groceries there that I couldn't find at Save-A-Lot; that is one drawback of that store -- you have to buy what they have, and they don't have the selection of larger chains sometimes. Anyway, while I was in the frozen aisle getting veggie burgers and frozen fish (yes filet, not breaded) I turned around and angels playing harps appeared and golden light shone down on the Rising Crust Supreme... mmmm, delicious demon.

And I didn't buy a pizza, even though that voice in my head said, "It's the weekend, I can have a treat..." And I lingered. And considered it. And tried to talk myself into a thin crust pizza as a compromise. (Disgusto.  Ew, I hate thin crust pizza.) And stared longingly. And then I said, "Fuck no. I am not buying a pizza." And walked away. *phew*

I'm doing fine with the supplements I take. I can tell that I have leveled out on the St. John's Wort. I said I was going to wait until that benchmark to adjust my dose frequency, but I actually did it a couple weeks ago. I said I would start taking 450 mg 2x / day, but the supplement I buy comes in 300 mg caps, so I have been taking 600 in the morning and 300 at bedtime. I am pretty pleased with that. I need the stronger level during the day anyway. I am going to add a B-complex to regimen, a good one with all 8 B's. My research has led me to believe that a good B-complex is important for dietary health overall. And I know that when I take B-12, it really helps me feel alert and refreshed (that's why 5-Hour Energy shots work, they have like 400% the DRV B-12) so I'm thinking I will be just as pleased with a B-complex.

I am trying to focus on eating whole foods as much as possible. I am also going to maybe start paying closer attention to buying organic, and non-GMO. As the demand for that kind of mindfully sourced food is increasing, it is becoming more available and more affordable. I particularly like Hannaford for that, because they prominently feature locally grown produce and local food producers (like Sister's Salsa Twice Spice, which is made right here in Blue Hill, like 20 miles from me.) I have noticed since I have started eating a salad for lunch every day at work and generally increased my intake of vegetables that my GI performance is a lot better, less discomfort, more regularity and I have not taken a Tums since I started this dietary regimen. I'm starting to feel the direct consequences of anything I eat, and for whatever reason I have not had any serious backslide except the Thanksgiving 4-day.

Oh right -- and the spiralizer. So, a couple weeks ago I tried out some spiralized butternut squash spaghetti that I got at Hannaford. And I loved it. It was an awesome pasta substitute, and I am totally going to spiralize everything I can get my hands on. The one I bought has 4 settings to make spaghetti, linguine, curly, and wide band. I am not giving up pasta, but I am going to default to spiralized veggies, and the spiralizer will pay for itself in savings really quick. It was $40, which is not bad anyway. And compared to paying $5 for 2 cups of spiralized squash from the grocery store...

So, it was a five-star week, which I really needed. If I had gained weight or not lost more than a pound, after such a bad backslide, I might have fallen off the wagon. It will be hard not to hold this week up as the new bar. I know losing 4 lbs in a week is not going to maintain, but if I drop some weight really fast, that will be just fine with me. Anyway, it was a good week. Here's to another one.

Thanksgiving (back) Slide

Oops. Gained 2 lbs. I choose to spin this as a positive, as that means I have still lost 1 lb since I started weighing myself again. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Not only did Thanksgiving happen, wherein I actually ate so much that I couldn't find a comfortable position, sitting, standing or laying down for about 45 min after I packed the last mouthful into my throat with a jackhammer. (Not literally, but...... oink oink.) I also took a 4-day weekend from work, and didn't fall off the wagon, I was like, "Stop this shitty wagon, I'm getting off."

Admittedly, I semi-planned this. I knew I would do my favorite thing to do when I have a mini-vaca: go into Hobbit Mode, i.e.: stay home in my comfy clothes, eat 6 meals a day of super yummy comfort food, smoke the halfling leaf, and drink a gallon of beer or ten.

I didn't drink that much truly -- the St. John's Wort does seem to have the unexpected side effect of lessening to outright killing my taste for booze. I like this development, although I have also had a couple disappointing attempts to party like it's 1999 and ended up watching TV with an early-onset hangover, eating Ibuprofen and guzzling water.

I knew I was not going to see the same results as last week is my point. And, I am giving myself a pass. A conditional pass. The condition is: as long as I am right back on the wagon tomorrow (Monday) and I stay on the wagon all week, meaning next weekend, too, I am preemptively forgiving myself for this past week. I'm disappointed to see the number go up on the scale, but not surprised as I consciously (pretty much) gave permission for it to happen.

Here's the real issue: I need to look into finding some different self care / hide-at-home tactics. It's so ingrained in me that unsupervised free time = monkey brain stuff (i.e.: eat, drink, binge porn) that I truly don't even know what an alternative Perfect Weekend At Home Alone would look like. So there's a goal: find new things to picture when I hear the lyric, "...working for the weekend." And no one say fucking coloring. No, I'm not gonna fucking color. I hated coloring when I was a kid, and it is just fucking stupid. There, I feel better now that I said that. (And if you love coloring, great -- you do you, I'll do me.) But really, I gotta come up with some other things I find awesomely soul-feeding and immersive all weekend fun time.

So, today is my last day of the 4-day mini-vaca. I have another one in December. (Xmas is a Tue so I am taking Mon & Tue off that week.) While I cram myself full of fried food with one hand and spank it with the other one while I guzzle down whiskey (not really, at least not whiskey, not on a work night...) I will also contemplate other things that I might enjoy doing instead. Maybe I'll develop an obsessive fascination with fitness. Or stabbing my eyeballs with needles.

Anyway. You already know about me that I have to mock myself to be forthcoming about my true self sometimes. And that is just fine. I'm going to formulate a trial game plan for my December 4-day weekend that involves healthier pursuits. And jerking off, it's the most exercise I've gotten all weekend.

Lettuce for the win...

Well, good news I lost 3 lbs.

Also noted that pretty much the minute I started eating a salad every day and trying to get 50% or more of my calories from vegetable two things happened:

1. I have not even thought of eating a Tums, let alone the 3-5 a day I was taking before.
2. I have been sleeping much better.

I attribute this entirely to my diet. It is the only change I made last week. Who knew? Lettuce is a sleep med.

I was pretty sure I was going to like what I saw when I got on the scale. I noted about mid-week doing up my pants in the bathroom at work that I didn't have to cinch my belt tight to get to the first hole on my belt (I was down to the 4th hole....) It has been getting to the point I was considering buying a bigger belt. So I was very pleased when I yanked on my belt to get it to go to the 1st hole and it went past there. That's a win, I'll take it.

I did fall off the wagon a little on Friday. I ate a whole Walmart pepperoni pizza, which is 56 points on WW. (More than a whole day's points...) and I drank quite a bit of beer, like..... almost a 12 pack. However, that was the only time I drank all week, and I did it consciously -- I knew I was going to, I planned it, including my own little dance party, and I enjoyed it. (Rather than suffering both a hangover and crushing guilt the next day, I was like, "Hm. Yeah, I'm a little shitty this morning, but that was fun.")

I'm 10 days out from the 6-week mark on the St. John's Wort and I can definitely tell I am starting to level out. I'm not having the side effects that much any more, although taking it on an empty stomach is still pretty ugly afterward in terms of yucky stomach feeling. Once I hit the 6-week mark I am going to probably start taking 450 mg 2x/day instead of 300 3x. I find taking a pill mid-day is inconvenient and I have to carry a sketchy looking ziplock bag in my pocket with an unmarked pill in it -- I work in a healthcare facility, that is just not good. 

I have also increased my Valerian to 1500 mg (from 1000) at bedtime, and it is working much better. I don't really like Sleepytime Tea, and it wasn't doing that much for me. I'd rather drink a cup of tea whose taste I actually enjoy for the relaxation / psychic benefits, and also, I like a cup of tea in the late afternoon (tea time...) rather than at bedtime. I like the idea of drinking tea to help me relax and refocus my attention on my well-being. It's just that the Sleepytime was not effective as a treatment for me. And the taste is merely tolerable, not that enjoyable.

I started using an activity tracker last week and saw the actual hard data that I am not getting enough physical activity by about half or more. Gotta raise the bar on that. More activity will be this week's #1 point to work on.

Overall, I am happy with the direction things are going. My weight is going down and the quality of my sleep and my moods is going up. I got this.

St. John's Wort surprisingly effective

I guess I'm having some side effects from the St. John's Wort, but they are minor. Dry mouth is the most annoying of them. Although I do experience some mild upset stomach from them as well, but that is manageable with food and water. I try to take them on top of food, not under it.

Regardless of the side effects, the effects are really stunning to me. I attribute these effects to St. John's because it is the only thing I am doing that I have never done before, and I have never had any of these effects before:

• Almost totally lost interest in alcohol: now this one is just amazing to me. I used to be an every day drinker, and in the last few years I was still drinking (i.e.: getting drunk) 3-4 nights a week. I didn't realize that I was using alcohol as a medication. The only thing I can attribute it to is that because I am feeling better, and sleeping better, and being more able to manage my moods, I'm not counting the hours until I can get home to my bottle. Additionally, even when I do drink, I end up drinking one or two and actually feel grossed out by it, and I end up chugging down water and a couple Advil to make sure I don't suffer from it. This past Fri night, I did end up drinking quite a lot, got nice and drunk and ..... omg, Saturday I felt like I had literally poisoned myself. 

• The house is clean: Ok, so I didn't realize how much of a trigger dirty dishes were for me. So it goes like this: dishes start to pile up; the more they accumulate the less I am able to deal with them; it gets to the point where I am washing things as I need them, leaving the rest to rot in the sink; eventually I wash them all and put them away, but it has to reach catastrophe level first. So..... since I started the St. John's I have been washing my dishes pretty much every day. And I feel a sense like an actual weight was lifted off me. Is that weird? Why the hell couldn't I make that connection in my head before? That dirty dishes piling up were triggering depressive episodes? And, even better: with the dishes being clean, I also have been keeping the house in general more picked up. 

• I'm not paralyzed by decision making: I can make choices and act on them, another thing I didn't really see as that much of a problem. But it really was (an still is in some ways) a big problem. It was affecting me at every level of my life, down to the annoying shit where I will scroll through Netflix for so long that I use up my TV time trying to CHOOSE a show. Also, i have been feeling relief from this pressure I always feel like every single decision has to lead to the most perfect, most exactly right, excellent choice that will leave me feeling completely fulfilled and every experience has to be the pinnacle of perfection. Again, I'll use TV as the example: like I have to pick the exact perfect show to watch -- like I can't turn off a show if it isn't what I am in the mood for, or I shouldn't re-watch things I've seen before, even if that is the thing I keep coming back to over and over -- duh, watch it. I don't mean my whole problem is about TV, it's a metaphor for everything. 
  

• I'm losing my obsessive focus on the future: Yes, I can buy just enough of something to get to my next payday. And if I de-prioritize something today, I can pick it up again in 3 days or 3 weeks. I can work on things incrementally, I don't have to have instant results (which is how I never do anything.) I can put $50 in my savings account -- just because it's not $500... well, it will never be that much if I never put any in. Also, if I put that $50 in my savings, it's still my money, it's not like I've lost access to it. And if I try out something new, that's all it is -- something new. If I don't like it, I can stop and it's not a failure. It was a try. 

• I am feeling more outgoing and open: I have been feeling more like I can be up front with my feelings and opinions on things. I know that sounds weird coming from someone who seems to forthright on the Internet. But in person, out loud with my voice, I often feel like I have to protect myself, keep my opinions to myself, even to the point of participating in things I don't want to, or letting someone else's opinions supersede mine when there is no real need for that. I also have been feeling more friendly toward people, my coworkers specifically. All I do is work and go home, so if I want any friends, I need to make some friends at work. I've worked there 2 years and I have only done something away from work with 2 people 2 times. There are people there I like, as in would be friends with outside of work, and although I have to be somewhat mindful of that -- because I am a member of sr. management -- I know I am capable of keeping that balance. First of all, I only like people who are capable of understanding that. And, it's not like I want to party and go throw myself into situations that are going to look bad on Monday at morning meeting. I just need some friends, and I have come to the realization that probably most people derive their in-practice social circle from their coworkers, and that is ok for me too. 

Well, I guess that's the update. I am still about 2 weeks out from the 6-week mark where I should start to level out on the supplement. But I am feeling really good about it, and i have noticed that I am starting to level out a little, it terms of getting used to the side effects. And the benefits are starting to seem like actual changes in my patterns more than just a med working on me. It's good.

St. John's Wort & some random chatter

So I have started taking St. John's Wort in capsule form, 300 mg 3x/day. It can take up to 4-6 weeks to reach full effect, so I want to document that I started taking it Tuesday, Oct 16th, 2018. So, six weeks will be 11/27/18.

So far, I feel like it is working. Of course it has only been 4 days, and I have also restarted Valerian 500 mg a bedtime, as well as Sleepytime Tea Extra that has Valerian root in it along with what I was already taking: 10 mg melatonin (down from 20 or even 30 sometimes) and 1000 mg Tylenol PM.

I have also re-started using Breathe-Right nose strips that really do help me, I forgot how much. Additionally, I did make the adjustments to my environment (blackout curtain, white noise, no TV) and I have been sticking to my no eating before bed (except a snack, an actual snack, not a meal I call a snack...) And, I have been walking around the outside of the building usually twice day at work, so that is about 1/2 mile a day.

My results this week have been good. I feel encouraged. I have slept real sleep every night since I made these changes. What I am finding is I am feeling really tired by the end of the day every day, which is good for two main reasons: 1) it means I am starting to recover / sleep off some of my "banked" fatigue -- the exhaustion / stress combo we naturally shunt off for later that builds up over time in what I call bubbles or boxes; and 2) ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh....... I fucking love sleeping.

I have felt fairly good most of the week since I started being able to sleep again. I did feel a little short tempered when stressed, like more than usual or at least more than I normally allow to show. I did notice that my irritation with other drivers was a lot more mellow this week. That is something I work on all the time. I strive to be more Zen in the car, and it works better some days than others.

I have also been mindful of "excessive rumination" which I would have said is not something I do, if you had just asked me cold about it. But having read about it in several trustworthy places, I catch myself several times a day saying, "quit dwelling on shit, Kyle." It's fairly eye opening actually. And it has worked to mentally check myself. I was shocked to have clear evidence that I rehash shit in my mind all the time, and feel angry or guilty or sad or all of that over shit that is over and I've had plenty of time to work through it. As I said already, it is quite eye opening, and I feel a sense of refreshment from realizing it's just demons, just memories, and the past does not define me unless I allow it to. I am who I say I am.

OK, I have said a dozen times to myself today that I will get out for a real walk somewhere. So instead of writing this blog post any longer, I'm going to go do that.

Yeah, that sleep

OK, it's time to kick it up a notch.

Today I remembered that I used to take Valerian at bedtime and that breathe-right nose strips actually work for me. My ex swears by them, not for himself but because he says its the only time I didn't keep him awake snoring. I also bought some Extra Strength Sleepytime Tea. And I'm going to give St. John's Wort a try.

I need to finish up making my bedroom into a better sleeping-encouraging room. And I'm gonna hang up that blackout curtain so my neighbor's outside light isn't shining right through my curtains all fucking night. It doesn't even help when they turn it off because the change in the light disturbs me. And I need to re-position my fan so it isn't blowing on me, but I need the noise.

So I am adjusting my OTC meds. I don't take any scripts and don't want any, although I would take a Valium or a Xanax right about now, happily. I haven't slept any meaningful amount of time in deep sleep in so long I would for sure take something that was gonna knock me down for 10 hours. That black sleep I took for granted as a kid. Oh my kingdom for that again, without drugs.

Anyway, I am cutting back my melatonin. It really does help me sleep, but it also encourages dreaming somewhat and I don't need that so much as I need to stay asleep and not be so easily disturbed. The tiniest thing will send a spike of adrenaline through me and then I'm like, "Oh goody, another hour..." So I want to keep the lulling effect of the melatonin, but not so much on the dream state, I need to be able to get through the dream state and down into deep sleep, which is what is not happening, at all. I have been taking 20 mg melatonin, I am going to cut back to 10.

I am however adding both Valerian and St. John's Wort, so we'll see, maybe I can go back up on the melatonin down the road, it really does promote vivid dreams. But like I said, the dream state is not what I am having trouble with. I think I am going to go with the most common recommended for the St. John's: 300 mg 3x/day for 4-6 weeks then cut back to 2x as long as it works. And I've taken Valerian before, I know I can handle it at least 500 mg at bedtime. And yes I am still taking Tylenol PM pretty much very night. I got the rapid release gels this time and I don't love them, I'll go back to the regular tabs or if there is a gradual release formula I might even try that. The rapid release gels knock me out but they wear off too fast.

Anyway, I know that sounds like a lot of meds. It's really not, and they're all OTC and mostly homeopathic. And whatever. I am going to get some sleep. Like I said, I would take some (handfuls of...) prescription meds at this point, and I really really hate pharma. But it has gotten to the point that I am occasionally having a hard time distinguishing if I am asleep or awake. So really, time to kick it up a notch.

My Sleepytime Tea must be steeped by now.