💪✨👽Time to make some adjustments - new rules ✔⚡🌈

241. Lost 1 lb this week, making 56 lbs lost overall.

The last couple weeks has been interesting. I have been feeling crappy and only went to the gym 3 times two weeks ago and only 2 days this past week. But, in spite of that, I have still managed to stay on my nutritional and weight goals for the most part. A little disappointing to only see 1 lb lost. But that is not a setback. I have to keep reminding myself that progress is still progress. 

Part of why I was feeling so shitty though was that I think I hit a limit in terms of my exercise regimen. I was pushing myself too hard and I crashed a little bit. I have had to admit that what I was doing was not sustainable in the long term. I kept raising the bar all the time. Instead of just letting something be a hard push, I allowed it to be the new benchmark and it ultimately did not work.

The interesting part is that I continued to have success and see results even when I fell off the wagon for a little bit. I also have to forgive myself -- I didn't just quit, I was not feeling well and I had to take some time to rest, like completely rest. And, I managed to do that without wrecking my plan or backtracking in terms of my weight. I did gain a little bit but I dropped it all again, and still hit a new lowest weight. 

At any rate, it's time to reevaluate my rules. 

RULE 1: THE GYM

I never officially made a rule about going to the gym 5x/wk, and I am going to reiterate to myself that the actual RULE is: 3x/wk and if I only go 3 times, I am hitting the mark 100%. I will continue to aim for 5x/wk, but that is bonus points, not the goal post. 

I also need to start getting to the gym earlier. Just a few minutes, so I'm not so crushed for time trying to get to work. I find I need overall about an hour and 15 min on weight lifting days, and just under an hour on cardio-only days. So on M-W-F, I really should be getting to the gym by 6. So....... *drags feet*........ I really should be out of bed by 5 on those mornings. I know it's only a few minutes difference and it's not like I actually get any meaningful rest in those 10 minutes. Gotta commit to this again. 

RULE 2: THE HOME TREADMILL

I want to adjust my home treadmill schedule a little. I find the 45-60 min sessions in the evening are a huge drain on my personal time. I feel resentful towards that time drain, but also still compelled to do it for my health. I think I am going to dial it back to 30 minutes, which is a much neater package in terms of fitting it in without it becoming the main event. But in exchange for the lower time commitment, I am going to raise the bar to 6x/wk. Probably Friday will be the off-night, as that is also during my weekly 24-hour fast (noon Fri - noon Sat.) 

RULE 3: MY DIET IS GETTING BORING

I am really pleased with my dietary fitness for the most part. I can say confidently that my nutritional profile is about 80-90% whole foods only, and 50% of my calories or more come from fruits & vegetables. The only processed food I eat in any quantity is dairy -- mostly Greek yogurt and cottage cheese, and feta or bleu cheese crumbles. I still occasionally eat a little bit of white pasta, it's a go-to comfort food that I will probably never give up. And I will still eat an English muffin once in a while, and if I have some bread or something once in a while I don't beat myself up over it. Oh yeah, and granola -- but I buy the Kashi Go Lean Flax blend organic granola, so minimal processing and made with whole ingredients. And I don't eat much of it; a 14 oz. box lasts me 2 weeks. I take it to work with my fruit & yogurt for breakfast about every other day and I eat it by the handful out of the box when I need a snack. 

However, my diet is getting a little boring. I need to change up some of my recipes. I also need to think a little about two things: a) changing the taste profile on my standard meals, and b) increasing the variety of what I eat. I had to just go nose-to-the-grindstone at first, eat the same thing every day, track every calorie, every macro, really get it ironed in. But now, I can see my way a lot more clearly, and since I have totally reset my nutritional profile, healthy eating and positive choices come easy to me. I can experiment a little. 

Which brings me to another topic.... Weight Watchers.

I really love WW. It was what made all of this possible. Without WW, I would never have been able to start losing weight which was what facilitated everything else. Their system is really good, and it is especially good if you don't have any fucking clue what to do or where to start. If you work their system and follow the rules, it works -- and, it works by helping you facilitate a lifestyle change, not just by being a "diet." WW is not a diet. 

That said, I am thinking about quitting WW. For some time now, my go-to tracking app has been MyFitnessPal. And I don't go to WW meetings, nor do I participate in any of the social networking or online content, I don't even read the articles in the app. I just use the app. And for that, I am paying $20/mo. It was worth it for me at the beginning when I needed my hand held. But now, I really don't feel like I need it any more. I've been thinking about this for a couple months now. And, as I have been steadily transitioning my tracking to MyFitnessPal, I find I am only going to the WW app as a cursory thing, like "Oh yeah, go track my WW stuff." Like, I use it because I'm paying for it, not the other way around. 

I think I just talked myself into it. I do worry that I will have some kind of backslide if I leave WW. But, I also know that is not true. And I could join again if I all of a sudden started falling behind my goals. It's not "quitting." It's adapting, and getting $20 back in the budget. I am very grateful to WW for being the catalyst for my weight loss and fitness goals. It is not about WW. Is that weird that I feel loyalty to WW like it is a person? Like I have to apologize for leaving. LOL 

The whole nitty gritty of my diet, what exactly I eat

I've been wanting to write a post for a while that describes my diet plan in detail. I have said a lot that I made a complete change in my dietary regimen, but I rarely discuss what I actually eat, or what my practical rules are. So here goes:

First of all, I am doing Weight Watchers (which has re-branded itself, "WW.") I really like WW, and I think they are one of the only weight loss plans that is science-based and maintainable. I find that their "PointsPlus" system works really well for me. It keeps me accountable without obsessing over calories, and teaches healthy eating habits by rewarding positive behaviors. Rather than restriction, WW is focused on creating a diet and activity routine that works for individuals, and makes you feel good and want to do the right thing. It is oriented toward individual plans, flexibility and results.

I do also use MyFitnessPal because I want to track my macros, which is one thing that WW does not let you track. And, I have found by comparing my WW data with MyFitnessPal data that the WW system is legit -- I see comparable data between them, although WW is a little more forgiving toward some foods in terms of how many calories they really have. I also find that MyFitnessPal is a better tracker for my cardio and weight lifting, and it is so easy to use that it doesn't bother me to be tracking everything twice.

In spite of my glowing review of WW, I am actually considering cancelling my membership. I have re-set my nutritional profile. I am eating under my WW points every day, and I have learned what I can and can't do in terms of food and stay on my health goals. WW costs me $20 / mo which is not terrible, but I could use the extra money -- who couldn't? That's a tank of gas (well, like 2/3...) or a self-treat, or savings. I am smashing my goals, and I have learned the why and how behind all of it, I'm not so dependent on WW to give me direction any more. I am not decided on it either way, and I have to stay until May to be able to cancel without paying a fee, so a couple more months anyway.

OK -- the food, Kyle. What the fuck do you eat?

As I often point out: Saturday is my "Zero Day," meaning I eat whatever I want on Saturday. The rest of the week, I have the following rules:

• Eat a salad for lunch
• 50%+ of my calories from vegetables, all the time
• Eat a lean protein with every meal
• One 24-hour fast every week (usually Fri into Sat.)
• Drink a minimum of 64 oz. of water a day, a full 8 oz. at least 15 minutes before every meal

So, my daily breakfast:

• Mon - Fri I usually eat about 1 cup of fresh fruit with approx. 2 tbls of Greek yogurt and about 1/8 of a cup (yes that little) (yes, I measure it) of Kashi Go Lean Granola.
• On Saturday I usually don't eat breakfast
• On Sunday I usually make myself a 2-egg omelet with whatever vegetables I feel like that day, about 1 oz of feta cheese, 2 oven-baked hash-brown patties, 1 English muffin and sometimes (about every other week) 3 slices of oven-baked turkey bacon.

My daily lunch:

• Six days a week I make a large salad consisting of ~ (approximate amounts)
• 2 cups shredded iceberg lettuce, 2 cups mixed spinach, baby kale and chard greens, 1 cup dry coleslaw mix
• 1/2 cup diced onion, mixed bell peppers, garlic and jalapeno and / or cubanelle peppers
• 1/4 cup sliced salad olives
• 1 dill pickle spear
• either roasted red peppers or banana peppers
• a handful each of medium black olives and garbanzo beans
• 6 oz. of either deli turkey or imitation crab meat or grilled chicken breast
• 1 large hard boiled egg
• a healthy sprinkle of mixed hemp, chia and flax seed (I am switching to ground)
• a palmful of mixed nuts (usually peanuts, sunflower seeds, walnuts, pecans, almonds, pumpkin seeds, and cashews -- whatever I grab at the dollar store, it's WAY cheaper to make my own mixed nut blend than to buy it that way...)
• sometimes a sprinkle of bacon bits, literally a sprinkle just for the taste boost
• I make my own salad dressing every day in a little tiny container, normally with like a half tsp of oil, hot sauce, dry spices, lime or lemon juice, apple cider vinegar and spicy mustard and / or balsamic vinegar. Sometimes I switch it up to pesto, and once in a while I do a peanut-butter based quasi-Asian style dressing. Like 50 calories at most, usually less than 10.
• On Saturdays I usually don't eat lunch. If I do, it is a salad.

My daily dinners:

• Six days a week, I am boring as fuck and I eat basically the same thing every day:
• Either a chicken breast or a lean pork chop
• A huge fucking pile of vegetables, here are the ones I prefer (not all of these every meal:)
• Brussels Sprouts (I eat them like every other day, or more)
• Summer Squash & Zucchini
• Asparagus (I buy a big bunch every 2 weeks when I go grocery shopping)
• Mixed bell peppers
• Onion (I eat at least 1 whole onion a day between my lunch and dinner, usually more)
• Garlic (I eat a shitload of garlic)
• Broccoli & Califlour
• Red potato (I love potatoes and it is a BS lie that you can't eat them and lose weight.)
• Ginger (I eat a LOT of ginger)
• jalapeno
• I use whatever dry spices I like any given day, salt & pepper to taste, toss it all together, wrap it in foil and let it cook in my toaster oven on 420 for an hour, uncovered and on broil the last 15 min. Sometimes the potatoes take a little longer to get to the softness that I like if I didn't pre-heat the oven first. 
• On Saturday I sometimes eat the above. But, I also allow myself to have "indulgence meals" on Saturday if I want them. I often have Buffalo chicken tenders and oven-baked french fries. Last week I had sushi. I sometimes have take-out Thai. Whatever. 

My snacks:

• First of all, if I eat something like 1 piece of candy, or drive-by graze a couple chips at work, or something like that, I don't track it and I don't consider it a "snack."
• On Thursdays at work it is "Popcorn Day" and I always eat a bag of popcorn with some shitty super-sodium-artificial-garbage-food flavoring -- I like the "chile lime" mixed with "garlic parm." It's the grossest thing in my diet, totally does not qualify as "eating clean," and I don't give one fuck. It's yummy and it is a highlight of my week. 
• At home in the evening I usually have a couple spoonfuls of fat-free cottage cheese
• When I am prepping my meals for the next day, I also usually have a spoonful of Greek yogurt and a handful of nuts (huhuhu I like nuts in my mouth...) and sometimes a dill pickle spear.
• If I feel actually hungry later in the evening, about once a week I have some saltine crackers with peanut butter.
• A few nights a week I make myself a snack platter with some olives, pickles, and a sliced apple
• Also a couple nights a week, I will eat 2 small frozen (cooked of course) bean & cheese burritos with my home made pico de gallo.

"Forbidden Foods"

I do not have any forbidden foods. If I want something, I have it. I do have some rules about certain types of foods though.

• I no longer eat sandwich bread. If I do eat anything like a sandwich, it is in a wrap. I do still eat English muffins once in a while. And I have eaten at Subway a couple times which was a whole wheat sub roll. So really, I don't make or buy bread any more, but it is not totally out of my diet.
• I have not eaten pizza at home, period. And I have only eaten 2 pieces of pizza -- at a party at work -- since I started losing weight in November 2018. Frozen pizzas were a huge problem for me, I was eating an average of 2 a week by myself. They are a binge food for me. I cannot control my eating if I have one in the house -- I will eat the entire pizza in one sitting, and then have another meal afterward. I cannot yet trust myself with pizza. This is the closest thing to a "forbidden" food for me.
• I've stopped eating chips and things like trail mix. Those are also binge foods for me. I only allow myself to buy saltine crackers, and even with those I have to use a lot of self control. 
• I also use the following rule to check in with myself before I eat a snack or an unplanned meal: drink a whole glass of water and wait at least 15 minutes. If you're still hungry after that, eat something, but start with some pea pods or carrots and see what happens from there.

I didn't mention coffee. I drink coffee with non-dairy creamer and Stevia extract. I drink as much coffee as I want, and I do not track it. I don't care. I tend to drink about 3 cups of coffee a day, although sometimes I have a cup of coffee after lunch at work. If I have any coffee after 2 pm or so, I have decaf. I love coffee and no one will ever convince me to stop. There is plenty of supporting data for the positive benefits of coffee, and the amount of additives I put in it are negligible in terms of diet.

So that's that. My whole diet. It's not that impressive. But, it is a vegetable-based whole food diet that is very low carb, high protein, fat-adapted. I am not specifically eating the Paleo diet, but it is pretty close. I have also read the book, "It Starts With Food," which is the Whole30 diet, and again, I am not doing the Whole30, but close. I don't totally agree with any diet plan that is out there, but the two I mention here are ones that I think are science-based and do not have any long term health risks.

Smashed It - boom!

I said I was gonna lean in, and I did. Weighed in at 249, meaning I lost 7 lbs this week and 48 lbs overall.

Also lost an inch around my chest and oddly enough half an inch off my calf which I didn't think was fat -- LOL. I've seen a marked increase in the definition of my legs overall, so I'm pleased to see that result. Also oddly, my neck seems to have gotten half an inch thicker, but maybe when I took my measurements 2 weeks ago I measured wrong? My neck has been 18 inches for years, even when I was down to 185 lbs in 2012, it was 17. I also lost half an inch off my waist which I was expecting; I have had to tighten my belt down another notch and I will have to do another one pretty soon -- that will make it down to the 4th hole, when I was squeezing myself into the last one when I started and was thinking that I might have to make a new one, or get a bigger belt.

Made a few adjustments to my routine this week:

• I have decided that "Leg Day," which is Tues & Thu will be cardio-focused on the treadmill using high inclines at fast pace, with varied positioning to work my whole lower body. I have ditched the machines I was working out on at the gym; I am not convinced I was getting any benefits from them, and the HIT cardio results this week are pretty persuasive to me. If the results stay in line with what I saw this week, I will stay with it. 
• I have started eating my dinner later in the evening, which has resulted in me not needing to eat essentially a second meal later on. I was able to not eat at all after dinner, or only have an actual snack-sized snack. I was trying this method where I was eating half to two-thirds of my dinner then setting it aside for half an hour or thereabouts, then finishing it later. It wasn't very effective though. I found that I was obsessing on it: thinking about it constantly, watching the clock, planning my next meal before I even finished the one I was artificially dragging out over an hour. And I was still eating a much larger snack -- more like a small meal -- later in the evening. This week, I ate my dinner as much as an hour and a half later -- around 8 pm, and I ate the entire meal (mindfully, which I am going to write a whole post about...) and was not hungry afterward. So, the gimmicky eat-half-now-eat-half-later method is shelved. It was a good idea, but it just didn't work.

I'm thinking about switching to free weights instead of the machines at the gym. I don't know. I still feel a little self conscious, especially with some of the really fit, muscular guys who work out at my gym. I don't worry about them judging me, I worry about me judging me. Regardless, I have been YouTubing some free weight training and advice videos and watching some of the guys at the gym who are really fit and observing which lifts / routines they do, and just letting it ruminate around in my head. We'll see.

I think my goal for last week definitely got met, smashed it in fact. I was struggling for about 3 weeks with a plateau, or my metabolism trying to enforce a new set point, or whatever it was -- I couldn't seem to get down below 260 and stay there. Every time, I would see the scale go down to 259 or less and the next fuckin' day, I would be right back up there -- 261, 263 -- fuckin' 265, and I'm like, OH HELL NO. I really used my mind-body connection this week. I stepped it up at the gym and in my home workouts, I stuck to my diet plan 100% and enforced a 1000 calorie deficit (or more) every day, and pushed myself hard on weight lifting. And it paid off. I am thrilled with the result, and I think I succeeded in getting over that little hump.

Let's recap my actual set goals. I need a little reminder. I did promise myself that my very strict up-tick this week was not going to set a new bar. I'm not very good at holding myself back once I get to a new level, but I also have found a few of my limits in terms of what is sustainable. I know I can't do what I did last week 100% of the time going forward. It was a means to an end, a hard push, not the new normal.

Thus:

• Do something active 6 days a week
• Go to the gym 5 x/wk
• Weight train 3 x/wk
• Do HIT cardio 2 x/wk
• Minimum 300 minutes cardio every week
• Maintain a 500 calorie deficit every day
• Take my meds every day - (in fact, I have added biotin to my regimen, so...)
• AM: 1 biotin, 2 St. Johns's Wort, 1 B-Complex
• PM: 1 St. John's Wort, 2 Tylenol PM, 10 mg melatonin, 3 Valerian Root
• Saturday is "zero day" (meaning I can do nothing if I want, and eat anything I want, but also "zero" because the only caveat is: I will also do zero harm to my other goals while I do whatever the fuck I feel like on Sat.)
• Eat mindfully (my mindful, not someone else's rules.)

42 lbs lost and going strong

I said I'd have a better story this week and I definitely do. Weighed in at 255 lbs, so I lost 7 lbs this week and 42 lbs since the start. Also took my measurements and I am happy to report I have lost 1/2 an inch off my neck, 1"inch each from my chest and stomach, and 2" inches off my thigh. 💪✔

As I've already mentioned on Facebook, I noticed for the first time that my pecs are starting to be visible when I flex them, and I am starting to be able to see and feel that my booty is getting nicer. I noticed it first early in the week when I realized my underwear is fitting different. Then, I also did a "feel test" so to speak later in the week, right after I got off the treadmill from doing a hill challenge and I was like, "OMG, I can grab a handful back there. Sweet." I noticed last week that my stomach is getting visibly smaller, and that it doesn't feel all hard and pushed out and my shirts are falling lower on me -- I don't feel all the time like my belly is hanging out of my clothes.

I was feeling a little discouraged earlier in the week because I was kind of treading water in terms of losing weight. I went to the gym 4 times and worked out at home 6 days, and was staying the same weight every day. Then, this morning I got on the scale and was like, "Holy shit! Seriously?" I actually weighed myself again (which I rarely ever do) just to make sure and it was the same to the tenth of a pound. Hell yeah, 7 lbs. So my body was just messing with me -- holding out on letting go of some poundage to test me. It was a test, too. I was feeling like my effort was wasted or I was doing it wrong. Even though this week was also the week I started to actually be able to see physical results from exercise, in fact, I think that made it even more confounding to have the scale be so stubborn.

And really, I am down 14 lbs from last Saturday. I reported my Fri weight last week... 'cause I was ashamed of what I had done to tank my diet on my mini-vaca. I also only went to the gym Mon & Tues last week. I will confess now that I actually gained weight last week, almost 8 lbs. So really, it took me a hella lot of effort to bang that number back down to where it was. I ate at a 1000 calorie deficit for 3 days and did 80 minutes on the treadmill between the gym and home every day. It took me until Wednesday to get back down to where I was the first day of my mini-vaca last week. Then I lost another 9 lbs. I am fairly certain a lot of it was water weight, considering I had to pee probably twice as often as usual all week.

I would not be surprised to find out all of it was water weight. When I say I tanked my diet I am not kidding. I ate more than I should have the whole 4 1/2 days, had all kinds of garbage food, and a couple mild binges. I say mild binges because it was really just good old fashioned overeating, but I was aware that I was responding to psychological eating triggers and still couldn't stop myself, so slow-roll binge eating.

I also got drunk 4 nights last week. The liquor itself is not really the problem in terms of calories -- I am not a drunk eater, I skip meals when I drink. The problem is that alcohol fucks up my system for days sometimes; water retention, sodium cravings, yo-yo weight, and it ruins any plan I might have to work out, even a short walk on the treadmill. I normally don't let myself drink more than once a week, but again -- "mini-vaca" was a drinking trigger. Additionally, I forget to take my meds at bedtime when I drink, so I seriously fucked up my St. John's levels last week, I could feel that I was unstable, which also contributed to binge eating.

I never understood how connected my weight and depression were until it started to get better. I also really love how exercising makes me feel, so being hung over 4 days last week (including a work day... ug...) also wrecked my ability to work out. On Sunday, I was like, "Fuck this. I have got to get on the treadmill and work this shit out." I did 95 minutes in two sessions and actually did feel pretty good after. But, I still didn't make it to the gym Monday morning. I didn't have enough recovery time from my little 5-day party, and in fact I was at a sleep deficit all week.

This coming week, I am going to have to even it out a little bit. I don't want to set the bar higher at this point. I am at a level of activity that is right at the edge of my ability to maintain. That is fine, but I am not ready to step it up yet. I am still struggling to get into a set pattern, and my first and most important rule is: I will hit every one of my goals 100%, which means I am not allowing myself to set goals I can't get to. Every goal moves up (or down) in small increments. I also like the feeling I get from pushing myself past those marks, so I actually feel incentivized by my goals. I did temporarily move the bar up this week because I fucked up so bad the week before. (See: Squeaked through.) I just need to remind myself that this was a temporary adjustment, not the new bar height.

LOL. I had a great week, lost a ton of weight, noticed my muscles getting bigger and my measurements changed significantly for the better, and my clothes are fitting nicer. And I'm trashing myself for not hitting every single goal. OK, no more of that nonsense! I had a great week and I am going to have another great week this coming week, too.

I've officially lost 10% of my starting weight

SWEET! Weighed in at 265, which means I have officially lost (more than) 10% of my body weight. 32 lbs lost, and still maintaining right around 2 lbs / wk. Also found my cloth tape measure, so I was able to measure my body. No surprises there, but I am glad I can start tracking again. I know for sure I am getting smaller because I can't keep my pants up, so it's good to be able to really have data on it other than simply the number on the scale.

I was a little worried about going off the wagon this week. I only went to the gym twice. I did use my treadmill at home, but I only lifted weights two times. I failed again to go to the gym on Monday morning. I was stranded at home Wed by a snowstorm and then Friday I had an emergency with my furnace at home that started Thu night and I just couldn't. I did manage to stay on my dietary wagon. And I got 8 hours of cardio, I hit the home treadmill hard.

This is a quick post I know, I am trying to blog at least once a week.

I am not going to take Monday off the list yet. I am going to try to weight train M-W-F, so I am going to try again tomorrow. I drank a lot last weekend (both Fri & Sat nite) which I did not do this weekend, so I am a lot more energetic today than I was last Sun. I was up and out for my Sunday walk by 10:30. I am going to give it another go.

I'm having some stress and it is testing my commitment to my goals. But, I am going to win.

Not perfect, but I'll take it

Weighed in this morning at 272, meaning I've officially lost 25 lbs. 

I am feeling the difference literally. I said last week I had to tighten my belt down a notch; I am going to have to do it again pretty soon -- in fact, yesterday I did cinch it down another notch and it wasn't horrible, although I know I could not have worn it that way all day. But I was able to, which is great. 

Met all my goals last week, although I just barely scraped by. As I say in the title of this post though, it's not perfect, but I'll take it. I did hit all my goals. But, because I decided it would be a great idea to get drunk on Thursday night, I did not go the gym before work, and it was a struggle to make myself go after, but I did. So, I did manage to hit the gym 4 times. 

Ug. I took myself out to Subway yesterday. (Fri.) I was at an all-day training off-site, so I used that as an excuse to treat myself. I resisted the urge to go to Burger King, but when I got to Subway I failed at my resolve to get a chopped salad instead of a sub, so I wolfed down a foot-long Italian BMT with a Coke and a bag of Salt & Vinegar chips. It was very difficult being truthful about what I ate when I was entering that meal into my WW tracker. 42 points -- my entire days worth of points on one meal. And, when I got to the gym my pre-workout heart rate was 110, when my normal heart rate any other day is about 65. Can you say sodium?? And Subway is endorsed by the American Heart Association, that's scary really. It was quite eye-opening. 

The negatives of that aside, I still enjoyed myself and I don't mind a little indulgence once in a while, it is in my overall nutritional budget, and honestly it was the chips and the soda that probably spiked my blood pressure. And, no I will not ever drink a Diet Coke -- yuck, disgusting. I drink soda so rarely I truly could not tell you when was the last time I had one. I never buy it, I don't consider it a beverage choice. So one Coca-Cola every few months is a non-issue, and it has the positive of being a really satisfying indulgence. Also, chips are something I don't eat any more. And salt & vinegar are my favorite, I'm salivating writing about it. LOL. So, it was a good self-care meal, although the nutritional bases were not really met. And I woke up this morning and still lost weight, so I call it a win. 

So I said if I could pull off going to the gym 4x this past week, I would test drive going 5 days, every work day. We'll see what happens Monday morning. I was tentatively considering trying out 5 days this week, but Mon morning I just could not get out of bed an hour early. And then when I didn't go Fri morning because of the hangover, I was like, Oh shit, I'm gonna fuck it up, I'm only gonna hit 3 days. Fuck. Which is what got me to the gym after work, which was weird and all different people were there and I kinda hated it. So there's an object lesson. I really do prefer going to the gym early in the morning. I have the most energy and it really gets me going, I am starting to really like the feeling I have after I am done working out. I find I am in a good mood, I have a better outlook even on problems, and my ability to set goals and meet them carries over into work and my personal life. So yeah, I am going to try really hard to go 5 days this upcoming week. I am not moving the needle on the goals though, officially my rule will stay 4x/wk. which is up one from 2 weeks ago, so I need to pace myself in terms of how far I step it up. I will only set goals I can achieve 100%. So, this upcoming week, I will test drive going to the gym 5 days, but the goalpost is still 4. 

I also want to make an adjustment to my weekend routine. I am still convinced that I want Saturday to be my Zero Day. I call it a "zero day" instead of a cheat day or something like that because for one, there is no cheating in my plan, there are only misses. And truly, I haven't missed my goals much and I don't plan to start now. What my "zero day" means is that it is the day of the week where I do not have to do anything if I don't want to, including no diet rules. If I want to stay in my pajamas all day, eat 5 meals and watch 16 hours of Snapped, I do it. However...

I am not happy with the fact that I am regaining weight over the weekend. Pretty much every Mon, I have put on a couple pounds, once it was 9 lbs. (oops...) and I know it is mostly water weight, but I don't like it. I am sabotaging myself and back tracking all my hard work for the sake of some sloth. I am not going to set any rules for Zero Day, other than it is Zero Day. But, I am thinking I want to make a Weekend Rule which says I do have to do something active every day no matter what. I'm averaging 2 lbs. a week lost, which is really great, but I am actually losing 5 - 10 lbs a week but I'm regaining it over the Fri-Mon window. I have observed my metabolism / GI tract seems to have about a 48 hour cycle, so often I don't see a difference on the scale for 2 days, although when I am active, I see the number go down the very next day. So..... being even the least bit active has an exponentially larger positive impact. I am hoping this will allow me to continue to insulate my Zero Day but not have to deal with the resulting weight gain. I can accept that my weight is going to fluctuate, and I do understand how water weight works, but I still don't want to see the scale go up. I am going to try to minimize that, but I need Zero Day for my psychological well-being. 

Well, I guess that covers my week. Onward!

No excuses, get what you want

Another banner week. Checked all the boxes on my goals and lost 3 lbs. Weighed in this morning at 274, which is a new landmark as well: lower than my lowest weight when I was trying back in the summer of 2017. So, I've lost all the weight I gained since that time, and then some. Also overall, from my starting weight in November 2018, I have lost 21+ lbs. Ate clean all week, and went to the gym 3 times plus worked out at home on days I didn't go the gym. ✔✔✔

So let's talk about some of it.

Weight: I've been weighing myself every day and I plan to continue doing so. I say, "hogwash" to the popular myth that you should never weigh yourself more than [insert whatever interval].

Fuck that. Weighing myself every day keeps me accountable. It also helps me to understand how my diet affects my daily weight. I've had some very unpleasant surprises, like the day I got on the scale and weighed 8 lbs. more than the day before.

OK - don't panic! Here's a science-based fact: even for a person like me, who is easily capable of binge-eating 5000 calories in a few minutes, it is virtually impossible to gain even 1 lb. of actual fat in one day. (Note I say "virtually," because it is technically possible, but as a far outlier.)

So back to that day I ricocheted back up to 290 from 282 the prior day. (This was 2 weeks ago.)

Needless to say, sticker shock was in full swing that day. I was like, "Oh fuck me. What the for real fuck? I am off the wagon. I'm gonna fail again. This is bullshit. Fuck it all." Then, I took a deep breath and said, "Slow down, slow down, let's not jump off the building just yet, okay?" I had to really be honest with myself that the day before I had really overeaten, even though it was "clean" food, I still ate too much of it and a lot of salty food, including peanut butter which I swear one fucking tablespoon of peanut butter and I can feel my panties pinching me. And a lot of salty food, combined with not having gone to the gym that day, either and most of it is water weight. OK, so... phew. Yes, I went a little off the wagon, but it's not the end, it's not that bad. It did also serve to refocus my goals and my resolve. For whatever reason, this time, setbacks encourage me instead of me quitting at the slightest bump in the road.

About water and hydration, something noticed that I like: it is noteworthy that I have never had a problem drinking enough water. Water is my favorite beverage, always has been even when I was a kid. I don't keep any other kind of beverage in the house, not even milk, unless coffee counts. In fact, I despise milk, always have. They had to force me to drink it when I was a kid, and now that I don't have to do anything I don't want to, I still hate milk. Yuck. Milk is gross. (I get plenty of dairy from yogurt and cheese.)(And you don't need as much of that as the diet industry wants you to buy -- oops, I mean, wants you to think.) I love water and I always have a big cup of water at hand. Sometimes I do over-hydrate, but that's not actually bad, you just have to piss a bunch of times until your body gets back to it's preferred hydration level.

OK side tracked. Back to water, or specifically pee. Something I was struggling with and trying to accept as an inevitable consequence of getting older was having to get up to pee as much as 4-5 times during the night. Since I started going to the gym and working out regularly along with cleaning up my diet, I sometimes actually sleep through the whole night (insomnia being another major challenge for me, that is also quickly abating...) and in general I never have to get out of bed to pee more than once a night. It's seriously like a miracle. It's an unexpected benefit.

Let's move on.

Diet: something I was not expecting -- I am losing my appetite for processed and / or high-carb-low-nutrient crap food. As I have already noted (and it is truly amazing) I have not even considered buying a frozen pizza, which used to be my #1 indulgence food. And I have frozen buffalo chicken strips and fries -- my #1.5 favorite indulgence food -- in the freezer untouched for over a week now. One day last week I was about to cook some for dinner just out of habit, and as I was standing there staring into the freezer I realized that more than just not having an appetite for it, I was feeling mildly grossed out by the idea of eating that. And later that same night, when I was digging around in the fridge for a bedtime snack I actually said out loud, "Yum. Cucumber," and I ate some cucumber slices with vinegar -- and then went to bed, feeling satisfied.

Who fucking thought ever such a thing was possible? Some cucumber slices were my preferred snack.

Exercise: I am actually enjoying going to the gym. At 6 in the morning. WTF? I feel great afterward and it sets the tone for my whole day. I am currently considering stepping up my goal from 3x/wk to 5x/wk. I emphasize "considering" because I want to make sure I set sustainable goals that I can achieve 100%.

I find that by the end of my work week, I am running on a sleep deficit of 5-8 hours depending on how early I go to bed throughout the week. I just can't go to bed super early. I'm not wired for it and I'm not happy when I force myself to. I find that I am naturally tired and ready to go to bed between 9 and 10 pm, and that just has to be good enough. I find that since I have started exercising regularly and sleeping better, that the sleep deficit is not as debilitating to be as it was. I also am willing to sleep in on my days off, I do not subscribe to the belief that you must go to bed and get up at the same time every single day. It's just not practical. And I enjoy the luxurious feeling of sleeping in. It's psychologically medicinal as well as how I compensate my sleep loss during the work week. Since starting to exercise more often I have also found that my recovery time (in terms of regaining lost rest, as opposed to just making up the lost hours) is much shorter. I tend to sleep in really late Saturday and then on Sunday I wake up much earlier, for a day off.

So why the long ramble about my sleep? Well, because it will be affected by an increase to 5x/wk at the gym. I won't go after work, I just know I won't. So it has to be in the morning. Plus, I like going in the morning, there is something about it that just clicks for me. But, I find that at least 1 day a week, I end up sleeping in about 30 minutes and just doing my "short morning," to still get to work on time. And I find that day I always thank myself for choosing to sleep another half hour. I think I am going to try going to the gym 4 days next week and if that goes okay, I will trial-run a 5 day schedule and see if I think it is sustainable.

And just because I have been watching them on YouTube, here's a shout-out to my current favorite weight loss inspirations: ZachAttacksFat and JordanShrinks.

Zach has a saying I like: "No excuses, get what you want." I find myself saying that any time I am about to go off the wagon and it helps. I also have realized that it really is about me and what I want and my plan to get there. And the more I work on it, the more I realize that all that matters is going forward. Missing a goal, or going off the wagon for one meal or one day or a little weight gain are not reasons to quit, they are reasons to try harder. I even find myself "leaning in" on my workouts, like the last few minutes on the treadmill I find myself saying, "get into it, not out." Push through, get the endorphin rush, you'll be happy.

Another quote by Zach that I think about quite often, "I've never gone to the gym when I really wasn't feeling it and regretted it after." That is so true -- when the alarm goes off at 5am it is easy to say fuck it and reset it for 6:30, but I end up thinking how disappointed in myself I will be if that is what happens. And I get up and get ready and go. I have been preparing my meals for work and getting my gym stuff all put together the night before as well so all I have to do is go. And truly, it is just the actual getting out of bed that is hard. Once my feet are on the floor, it's go time.

So let's have a little recap......

Weight: going good, losing about 2 lbs. a week on average.
Diet: going even better than expected.
Exercise: going good, could go better -- I am going to trail-run going to the gym 5x/wk
Mood / Depression: I know I didn't talk about this in this post, but going very well.

Milestone: tightened my belt down a notch

Very good week! Amazing what happens when you set goals and stick to them. Weighed in this week at 277 lbs, which is 18 lbs lost since I started tracking and this week I dropped 4 lbs. Something I see as an even greater success, and a literal milestone: I moved down a belt notch this week. I waited until I couldn't stand the feeling that my pants were going to slide off my hips any more, then one day at work in the bathroom I cinched my belt down another hole -- and much to my surprise, I was comfortable the rest of the day, even sitting down.

I need to start taking my measurements again. I'm sure the belt notch represents a couple inches lost off my waist and I know my muscles are getting bigger because I can see (and feel) the proof. I have a cloth measuring tape and 2 tape measures, you'd think I could find one of them...

Goal: start taking my measurements again.

So what did I do? Well, I went to the gym M, W & F and worked out at home the other two. And I found that as I increased my physical activity, my appetite decreased. I am still using WW to to track my dietary intake and my weight, and I ate less than my daily points allowance every day without feeling hungry. One day I only ate 18 points (which is less than half) and although I did not feel hungry that day, I was really hungry the next day before each meal. It was the only day I came close to eating my whole points allotment. So, I did learn from that a little lesson: don't under-eat, there will be a payback.

I also go the book, "It Starts With Food," and have been reading it as my bathroom book. And I have been watching every documentary or special I can get my hands on between all my TV platforms. I also try to do a 25 min beginner workout on HASFit while I cook dinner, every day. It's interesting to me, and I feel like I'm also helping my brain by watching TV that is actually educational.

I am also doing really well on my plan to eat at least 50% of my calories from vegetables. I have been having a salad for lunch every day at work, and and a lean protein with a mix of roasted or sauteed vegetables for dinner pretty much every day. This has also allowed me to keep some of the comfort meals I like in my diet without them tanking my goals. Those being: Buffalo chicken strips, french fries (oven baked only, no restaurant fries) and I also like Orange Chicken or General Tso's Chicken over white rice. I eat one or both of those once a week, but they have become the exception not the norm. I also haven't eaten a frozen pizza in at least 6 weeks, maybe more, haven't even felt tempted. I did eat 2 slices of pepperoni pizza at work about a month ago, but I actually felt kinda gross afterward. Astonishingly, I have also not eaten sandwich bread in about a month, and only a couple English muffins a week (I like one with my at-home breakfast, so Sat & Sun) and a couple times a week I eat a flour tortilla - -either a wrap of some kind or a fish taco, oh yeah, and I do still keep frozen bean & cheese burritos in the freezer which I tend to use as the base of a meal 1-2 times a week. However -- I never in all my days imagined the day would come that I didn't have a loaf of bread in the house and didn't care. I haven't even bought garden burgers 'cause I don't want to eat bread. And really, garden burgers are kind of gross, dry, carboardy grain-based quasi-bread. I'm not a vegetarian (although sometimes I forget that.) If I want a burger, I'd have a meaty one. With bacon. My standard day-to-day diet is clean enough that I can (literally) stomach some less-than-ideal foods -- they are part of my psychological satisfaction with food.

I am also doing pretty good on my promise to myself that I am going to change the way I experience food. I am working on putting my fork down after every bite. The only time I am not sticking to that is at work, and I will buckle down on that one too. I am also trying to prepare for dinner, not just prepare the food, but prepare my environment. I light some candles and incense and set the table and make sure I designate the time period as "dinner time." I'll admit it: I watch TV while I eat, I am going to keep doing that. But, I still make a concerted effort to stage my environment, put down my fork between bites, and make sure to actually taste the food before I swallow it. I also try to drink a full glass of water 20-30 minutes before eating, even if I forget the time frame, I still drink one even if it's right before. Then I drink another whole glass as part of the meal.

It is worth writing down what my routine / regimen currently looks like:

Meds / Supplements:

• St. John's Wort, 900 mg (600 in the AM & 300 at bedtime)
• Vitamin B Mega-Complex (1 cap in the AM)
• Tylenol PM (1000 mg at bedtime)
• Valerian (1500 mg at bedtime)
• Melatonin (10 mg at bedtime)

Exercise:

• Situps and lower ab crunches (15 ea. 5x week M-F first thing)
• Gym 3x week (M,W, & F before work)
• Beginner full body workout (15-25 min 5x week M-F in the evening)
• Spontaneous use of my hand weights, usually in response to an emotional food trigger

Diet:

• 50% of my calories from vegetables
• Lean protein with every meal
• Portion snacks on plates, and actually portion them
• Keep an honest and complete written track of what I put in my mouth (cock doesn't count unless you actually eat it.)
• Eat mindfully
• Before eating anything at all, drink a glass of water
• Drink a full glass of water first thing in the morning, and at bedtime (I drink a whole glass down with my supplements AM & PM, easy peasy.)
• Do a triple check system when I feel a food craving:
• Am I really hungry or was it an emotional trigger? What am I thinking about?
• Am I thirsty? Drink water and wait 5 minutes.
• Is my body craving activity? Walk around or do a 10 min workout video or use my 15 lbs hand weight and do some arm curls or something, just to see if a little activity will kill the craving.
• Plan out and prep my meals before I'm hungry. Sounds weird, but it keeps me from letting hunger give me permission to deep fry everything and dip it in ranch. 
• If I have a snack craving, at least try some snow peas or carrot sticks or a pickle. I find a pickle usually satisfies my evening snack wants by being savory and crunchy and filling all at once.

I'm happy to announce I am doing good on all of it. I've cleaned up my nutritional regimen, totally changed up my physical activity level, found myself actually interested in it instead of feeling obligated to it, and changed my routines for the better. I have lost all the weight I gained last year -- I am back down to the weight I was at 18 months ago when I last made any concerted effort to diet. I am feeling better, sleeping better, and have seen a huge improvement in my mental state and the best part -- I am still actively looking for ways to make it even better.

Something about me has changed. As I already said, I find myself interested in it and I see the results and I want to see more. When I've done this before I've tended to see only the long term goal, not the process. I hate T-shirt wisdom, but the journey really is the important part. It's not like when I get to my goal weight I can just go back to sitting in front of the TV sucking down 3 frozen pizzas a week. I will have to maintain my dietary and exercise goals for life. And that doesn't bother me this time. I don't see the goal weight as the "stopping point" any more.

In fact, there is ample evidence that people who have lost large amounts of weight -- more than 25% of their body weight or greater, have to eat a calorie reduced diet for life to maintain that weight, as much as 10% less daily calories than someone who has been at or close to a healthy weight their whole life. Your metabolism as a "set point" that goes up much easier than it goes down, and it is an evolutionary survival trait for all humans. Our bodies are built to store fat (energy) and will store as much as we give it. It's pretty basic: what goes in, goes in. It only comes out if we do something to use it up. There is also ample evidence that muscle building exercise is critical in maintaining a healthy weight. Even though you don't burn a lot of calories while you are lifting weights, the amount of energy your body uses actually building muscle tissue has benefits equal to cardio, but in the form of changing your actual shape, not just the number on the scale. Keeping muscle strength up also contributes to bone density and triggers endorphin cascades in your brain which help regulate all kinds of things including mood and appetite control.

So, it's been a good week. I was probably too hard on myself 2 weeks ago for not working out that much and going off the wagon in a few little ways. The truth is I hurt myself (my foot) and I needed some time to heal and that included some food indulgences too. I am determined that I am going to do this in a way that is psychologically and emotionally satisfying to me. And this week I saw the real proof that my goals are working. And instead of taking that as permission to back slide a little, I have seen it as evidence that I should keep going forward.

plateaus and renewal of goals

OK so I haven't written in over a month. Oops. Whatever, I forgive myself.

So, it's been a month. And my weight has pretty much plateaued. Overall, I've lost about 10 lbs in the 2 months since I started actively tracking my diet and exercise 11/11/18. Yes, 10 lbs is something to be happy about and I am. However, that is not enough -- that is just over 1 lb a week, which would be good except that I got down to my current weight the first month and now there has been no net change since. I did  "lose" some this month, but that is because I actually gained back 4 lbs.

My physical appearance is important to me, I proudly own that. I am acutely (pun intended) aware of the health consequences of being 100 lbs overweight and I see the health benefits too. I'm pretty sure they go hand in hand. In fact, I got my first "notice" that I am loosing weight from a co-worker who wouldn't say so if she didn't mean it, so that was a nice compliment. And I have noticed my belt is getting looser. (NOTE: I should start measuring myself again...) And I have noted that since I started doing core strength training, I am having an easier time getting in and out of the car and up and down from the floor, and my balance is better -- I don't have to hop around and grab things to put on socks. And, I haven't even considered eating a frozen pizza in weeks, and have barely eaten any bread. My diet is a lot cleaner than it has ever been, and I am feeling better.

HOWEVER: I am not losing weight fast enough. Right around the New Year I decided I was not happy with that rate of weight loss, and that in fact it seems pretty clear to me that diet alone is not going to get me to the body I want. To that end, I joined Planet Fitness, went once, and pulled a muscle in my foot (or something, strained my foot and ended up limping for a week.) In the interim, because I did not want to go to the gym while I was in that much foot pain -- it really hurt, I did a random YouTube search for a home workout and discovered HASFit.

So I've been active, but have not been back to the gym since 1/4/19. I think my foot is better so I am aiming to go back to the gym tomorrow morning. My goal is to go 3x a week, preferably M-W-F because I am still wanting to insulate the weekends as my cocooning time. I don't exercise on the weekends, I do what I want even if that is nothing, and if there are any indulgence foods I have planned, that is also when I eat them. So if I miss a planned gym day, I am hoping to have enough discipline to go another weekday.

I am determined that this is going to work. I am 46 not 96. It's not too late to turn my health around, and it's not too late to have the physical shape that I want. Brad Pitt is 55, Tom Cruise is 56 -- I am not an old man is my point. I am still youngish, and I know I am never going to look 25 again, and that is fine with me, but I can still fix my weight. I have gotten so fat I don't look like myself even to me anymore, and I don't picture a skinny guy when I picture me. And I'm all done with that. I joke about wanting my 20-something body back, but actually I was in really bad shape, flabby with no body strength. I couldn't do 2 sit-ups back then. I was a "skinny fat." (LOL - thank you Jane Lynch and 'Weeds' for that term...) I want to be in good physical health, including my body shape and weight. I want to by clothes because they will look good on me, not because of how I will look in them. My old blog was called "Look Good In A Tight T-shirt," and that remains a benchmark.

Coach Kozak from HASFit.com 

I am back down to the weight I was at in the summer of 2017 when I started trying to lose weight again for the millionth time with no plan but to change my diet. That sounds bad, like not an awesome achievement. LOL. But I take it as a good goal post. That means I have lost all the weight I gained from consoling myself with gluttony and booze when my life took a nose dive that fall. Since then I have been by necessity focused on establishing sustainable self sufficiency again, but I've got that part pretty much on auto pilot now. And I've noted that since I passed that particular marker, my attention has turned back to my weight and my appearance. I have a window right now where there is room for a new priority in my lifestyle. I have had those windows before and I often squandered them on sloth or indolence. But not this time. I am going to keep dogging away at this until it works.

I'm trying not to fanboy on Coach Kozak and HASFit. But there is something I really like about him and his wife and co-coach Claudia and their family and their story. It helps that he is hot, but lots of trainers are hot. I just like him, and I like his motivational approach. Another quote by him that I really like, is about time spent on social media, "We should spend less time fantasizing about other people's reality and more on making ours how we want it." And, "The difference between you today and you next week is what you do in the next 7 days." And the YouTube channel has every type and level of workout as well as vlog-style videos about lifestyle health like diet and routine and how to do it on a budget and how to include fitness in your day to day life. I would encourage anyone to utilize this YouTube channel or any other they like as a backup or supplement to a gym workout regimen. It helped me to stay accountable when I wasn't able to go to the gym, and when I was in jeopardy of relapsing back to my old habits -- my go-to for comfort / stress / failure relief is food. And I know that physical activity elevates my mood and my willpower and often completely evaporates emotional / psychological hunger. So, thankfully I had the internal resources to search for an exercise video instead of a sandwich, and it paid off.

Anyway, that has been my month. I really was teetering on the edge of a relapse there for a minute. I was about to quit Weight Watchers and say fuck the gym. I was having those bad self-thoughts again like, "I was just born to be fat," and, "I just need to accept myself as I am," -- no thank you. I do not accept high blood pressure, diabetes, sleep apnea and an early death. I know from having been much smaller and in better cardio condition that those things go away when you lose weight and stay active. And I do not accept that there is anything about myself I can't change if I prioritize it. I will be who I say I am, I will have the body shape and the physical health that I want, and I will get there by my own determination and plan.

Spiralize me baby! 5-star week

I didn't write anything last week because I was very disappointed to see the Thanksgiving Backslide continue. I managed to top off at 4 lbs gained, and successfully managed to feel like shit. Oddly, my resolve was hardened by this, an unusual reaction for me. And, I applied myself this week with gusto and hit a new landmark: below 290. There's an 8 where that 9 was. This morning my weight was 287.8, meaning I have lost 7.8 lbs since 11/11/18, four weeks.

I have added some exercise to my routine and will continue adapting it upward as I gain conditioning. I have been using my 30 lb hand weight, and doing sit-ups in the morning as soon as I get out of bed. The first thing I noticed is that it is getting easier to get up and down from the floor. And by the end of the first week, I found the sit-ups getting easier and have added more. I'm still struggling to get enough walking in though. I need to prioritize that this week.

I also stayed within my WW points every day this week. And the scale tells the tale. It works. Eat clean, track your food intake, get some exercise. It works. And I even had enough Points budget to buy some brie (my favorite cheese for snacking) and to eat some fat-free raspberry sherbet -- twice. It was nice to eat an indulgence food and a sweet dessert, both guilt free. Particularly with a big weight drop (I lose 4.5 lbs this week...) to underscore the success, I am feeling really good.

I had a really stressful work week, so I was a little surprised to see myself stay so disciplined. Normally, I would be opportunistic toward something like that -- it is primed for a crash & burn that I excuse myself from any culpability for. Instead, I doubled down on my good habits. Very interesting.

I even didn't buy a pizza yesterday while I was out doing my grocery shopping. I like to shop at Save-A-Lot because you really do save a lot, and their produce and deli are just as fresh as anyone's. But, I had to go to Walmart to get cat stuff (litter and food) and I wanted to buy myself a spiralizer, so I also got the groceries there that I couldn't find at Save-A-Lot; that is one drawback of that store -- you have to buy what they have, and they don't have the selection of larger chains sometimes. Anyway, while I was in the frozen aisle getting veggie burgers and frozen fish (yes filet, not breaded) I turned around and angels playing harps appeared and golden light shone down on the Rising Crust Supreme... mmmm, delicious demon.

And I didn't buy a pizza, even though that voice in my head said, "It's the weekend, I can have a treat..." And I lingered. And considered it. And tried to talk myself into a thin crust pizza as a compromise. (Disgusto.  Ew, I hate thin crust pizza.) And stared longingly. And then I said, "Fuck no. I am not buying a pizza." And walked away. *phew*

I'm doing fine with the supplements I take. I can tell that I have leveled out on the St. John's Wort. I said I was going to wait until that benchmark to adjust my dose frequency, but I actually did it a couple weeks ago. I said I would start taking 450 mg 2x / day, but the supplement I buy comes in 300 mg caps, so I have been taking 600 in the morning and 300 at bedtime. I am pretty pleased with that. I need the stronger level during the day anyway. I am going to add a B-complex to regimen, a good one with all 8 B's. My research has led me to believe that a good B-complex is important for dietary health overall. And I know that when I take B-12, it really helps me feel alert and refreshed (that's why 5-Hour Energy shots work, they have like 400% the DRV B-12) so I'm thinking I will be just as pleased with a B-complex.

I am trying to focus on eating whole foods as much as possible. I am also going to maybe start paying closer attention to buying organic, and non-GMO. As the demand for that kind of mindfully sourced food is increasing, it is becoming more available and more affordable. I particularly like Hannaford for that, because they prominently feature locally grown produce and local food producers (like Sister's Salsa Twice Spice, which is made right here in Blue Hill, like 20 miles from me.) I have noticed since I have started eating a salad for lunch every day at work and generally increased my intake of vegetables that my GI performance is a lot better, less discomfort, more regularity and I have not taken a Tums since I started this dietary regimen. I'm starting to feel the direct consequences of anything I eat, and for whatever reason I have not had any serious backslide except the Thanksgiving 4-day.

Oh right -- and the spiralizer. So, a couple weeks ago I tried out some spiralized butternut squash spaghetti that I got at Hannaford. And I loved it. It was an awesome pasta substitute, and I am totally going to spiralize everything I can get my hands on. The one I bought has 4 settings to make spaghetti, linguine, curly, and wide band. I am not giving up pasta, but I am going to default to spiralized veggies, and the spiralizer will pay for itself in savings really quick. It was $40, which is not bad anyway. And compared to paying $5 for 2 cups of spiralized squash from the grocery store...

So, it was a five-star week, which I really needed. If I had gained weight or not lost more than a pound, after such a bad backslide, I might have fallen off the wagon. It will be hard not to hold this week up as the new bar. I know losing 4 lbs in a week is not going to maintain, but if I drop some weight really fast, that will be just fine with me. Anyway, it was a good week. Here's to another one.

Thanksgiving (back) Slide

Oops. Gained 2 lbs. I choose to spin this as a positive, as that means I have still lost 1 lb since I started weighing myself again. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Not only did Thanksgiving happen, wherein I actually ate so much that I couldn't find a comfortable position, sitting, standing or laying down for about 45 min after I packed the last mouthful into my throat with a jackhammer. (Not literally, but...... oink oink.) I also took a 4-day weekend from work, and didn't fall off the wagon, I was like, "Stop this shitty wagon, I'm getting off."

Admittedly, I semi-planned this. I knew I would do my favorite thing to do when I have a mini-vaca: go into Hobbit Mode, i.e.: stay home in my comfy clothes, eat 6 meals a day of super yummy comfort food, smoke the halfling leaf, and drink a gallon of beer or ten.

I didn't drink that much truly -- the St. John's Wort does seem to have the unexpected side effect of lessening to outright killing my taste for booze. I like this development, although I have also had a couple disappointing attempts to party like it's 1999 and ended up watching TV with an early-onset hangover, eating Ibuprofen and guzzling water.

I knew I was not going to see the same results as last week is my point. And, I am giving myself a pass. A conditional pass. The condition is: as long as I am right back on the wagon tomorrow (Monday) and I stay on the wagon all week, meaning next weekend, too, I am preemptively forgiving myself for this past week. I'm disappointed to see the number go up on the scale, but not surprised as I consciously (pretty much) gave permission for it to happen.

Here's the real issue: I need to look into finding some different self care / hide-at-home tactics. It's so ingrained in me that unsupervised free time = monkey brain stuff (i.e.: eat, drink, binge porn) that I truly don't even know what an alternative Perfect Weekend At Home Alone would look like. So there's a goal: find new things to picture when I hear the lyric, "...working for the weekend." And no one say fucking coloring. No, I'm not gonna fucking color. I hated coloring when I was a kid, and it is just fucking stupid. There, I feel better now that I said that. (And if you love coloring, great -- you do you, I'll do me.) But really, I gotta come up with some other things I find awesomely soul-feeding and immersive all weekend fun time.

So, today is my last day of the 4-day mini-vaca. I have another one in December. (Xmas is a Tue so I am taking Mon & Tue off that week.) While I cram myself full of fried food with one hand and spank it with the other one while I guzzle down whiskey (not really, at least not whiskey, not on a work night...) I will also contemplate other things that I might enjoy doing instead. Maybe I'll develop an obsessive fascination with fitness. Or stabbing my eyeballs with needles.

Anyway. You already know about me that I have to mock myself to be forthcoming about my true self sometimes. And that is just fine. I'm going to formulate a trial game plan for my December 4-day weekend that involves healthier pursuits. And jerking off, it's the most exercise I've gotten all weekend.

Lettuce for the win...

Well, good news I lost 3 lbs.

Also noted that pretty much the minute I started eating a salad every day and trying to get 50% or more of my calories from vegetable two things happened:

1. I have not even thought of eating a Tums, let alone the 3-5 a day I was taking before.
2. I have been sleeping much better.

I attribute this entirely to my diet. It is the only change I made last week. Who knew? Lettuce is a sleep med.

I was pretty sure I was going to like what I saw when I got on the scale. I noted about mid-week doing up my pants in the bathroom at work that I didn't have to cinch my belt tight to get to the first hole on my belt (I was down to the 4th hole....) It has been getting to the point I was considering buying a bigger belt. So I was very pleased when I yanked on my belt to get it to go to the 1st hole and it went past there. That's a win, I'll take it.

I did fall off the wagon a little on Friday. I ate a whole Walmart pepperoni pizza, which is 56 points on WW. (More than a whole day's points...) and I drank quite a bit of beer, like..... almost a 12 pack. However, that was the only time I drank all week, and I did it consciously -- I knew I was going to, I planned it, including my own little dance party, and I enjoyed it. (Rather than suffering both a hangover and crushing guilt the next day, I was like, "Hm. Yeah, I'm a little shitty this morning, but that was fun.")

I'm 10 days out from the 6-week mark on the St. John's Wort and I can definitely tell I am starting to level out. I'm not having the side effects that much any more, although taking it on an empty stomach is still pretty ugly afterward in terms of yucky stomach feeling. Once I hit the 6-week mark I am going to probably start taking 450 mg 2x/day instead of 300 3x. I find taking a pill mid-day is inconvenient and I have to carry a sketchy looking ziplock bag in my pocket with an unmarked pill in it -- I work in a healthcare facility, that is just not good. 

I have also increased my Valerian to 1500 mg (from 1000) at bedtime, and it is working much better. I don't really like Sleepytime Tea, and it wasn't doing that much for me. I'd rather drink a cup of tea whose taste I actually enjoy for the relaxation / psychic benefits, and also, I like a cup of tea in the late afternoon (tea time...) rather than at bedtime. I like the idea of drinking tea to help me relax and refocus my attention on my well-being. It's just that the Sleepytime was not effective as a treatment for me. And the taste is merely tolerable, not that enjoyable.

I started using an activity tracker last week and saw the actual hard data that I am not getting enough physical activity by about half or more. Gotta raise the bar on that. More activity will be this week's #1 point to work on.

Overall, I am happy with the direction things are going. My weight is going down and the quality of my sleep and my moods is going up. I got this.

OMG I'm so fat

OK, so this happened on FB which makes it real.

I'm not just being dramatic, either. I'm so fat that my office chair wheels don't roll when I scoot the chair, they just drag because they're flattened to the floor. And I went for a 2 mile walk yesterday and today my "bad hip" is "acting up" for the first time in months. The last time was when I climbed Acadia Mountain, which is a hard trail. So strolling down the street with my headphones on and my hip is sore like after I climbed a mountain just a few months ago. Also while I was on that walk, my knee on my "good side" gave that little warning twinge. I'm getting too fat for my skeleton to carry me.

Yes, I am making mockery of it a little. It's part of how I deal with stuff. I'm sarcastic, even toward myself. And also, seriously those things all happened.

Here's the good parts though:

I did go for a walk.

And today I made sure to walk a whole mile outdoors, which is four times around the building, done in 2 laps before and 2 laps after lunch. My office walking buddy went with me.

And I renewed my membership to WW, the re-branded Weight Watchers. It worked really well for me before -- it is what I was doing back in '11-'12 when I got really skinny for a while. I re-remembered that the Points system activates my competitiveness. It's nice to see they let you have carry-over points, that is a new part of the program. It's Scientology for fat people, but it works.

I dug out my exercise clothes. No one wants to see that, not even me, so don't ask. But I did YouTube some yoga videos and used my free weights for like 5 minutes. I picture how I plan to look in them, and do not look in the mirror while I do yoga.

So, I'm feeling pretty enthusiastic about stuff. I do know how to eat clean and get my exercise. I know I can do it. I've done it before, and that was mostly by accident, like the first 40 lbs anyway. So on purpose, I'm sure I can do it.

I have re-resolved my vow to put my silverware down between bites. I've actually been doing that one at home for a couple weeks, and I'll start it at work, too. People already think I'm weird.

This guy is still in there somewhere:

I'm printing these out and putting them on the fridge and in the bathroom and by my desk. In addition to being that vain for real, they are going to motivate me. You know what's fucked up -- I thought I was fat in these pics. (In 2012 and 2011.)(I was 40.)