42 lbs lost and going strong

I said I'd have a better story this week and I definitely do. Weighed in at 255 lbs, so I lost 7 lbs this week and 42 lbs since the start. Also took my measurements and I am happy to report I have lost 1/2 an inch off my neck, 1"inch each from my chest and stomach, and 2" inches off my thigh. 💪✔

As I've already mentioned on Facebook, I noticed for the first time that my pecs are starting to be visible when I flex them, and I am starting to be able to see and feel that my booty is getting nicer. I noticed it first early in the week when I realized my underwear is fitting different. Then, I also did a "feel test" so to speak later in the week, right after I got off the treadmill from doing a hill challenge and I was like, "OMG, I can grab a handful back there. Sweet." I noticed last week that my stomach is getting visibly smaller, and that it doesn't feel all hard and pushed out and my shirts are falling lower on me -- I don't feel all the time like my belly is hanging out of my clothes.

I was feeling a little discouraged earlier in the week because I was kind of treading water in terms of losing weight. I went to the gym 4 times and worked out at home 6 days, and was staying the same weight every day. Then, this morning I got on the scale and was like, "Holy shit! Seriously?" I actually weighed myself again (which I rarely ever do) just to make sure and it was the same to the tenth of a pound. Hell yeah, 7 lbs. So my body was just messing with me -- holding out on letting go of some poundage to test me. It was a test, too. I was feeling like my effort was wasted or I was doing it wrong. Even though this week was also the week I started to actually be able to see physical results from exercise, in fact, I think that made it even more confounding to have the scale be so stubborn.

And really, I am down 14 lbs from last Saturday. I reported my Fri weight last week... 'cause I was ashamed of what I had done to tank my diet on my mini-vaca. I also only went to the gym Mon & Tues last week. I will confess now that I actually gained weight last week, almost 8 lbs. So really, it took me a hella lot of effort to bang that number back down to where it was. I ate at a 1000 calorie deficit for 3 days and did 80 minutes on the treadmill between the gym and home every day. It took me until Wednesday to get back down to where I was the first day of my mini-vaca last week. Then I lost another 9 lbs. I am fairly certain a lot of it was water weight, considering I had to pee probably twice as often as usual all week.

I would not be surprised to find out all of it was water weight. When I say I tanked my diet I am not kidding. I ate more than I should have the whole 4 1/2 days, had all kinds of garbage food, and a couple mild binges. I say mild binges because it was really just good old fashioned overeating, but I was aware that I was responding to psychological eating triggers and still couldn't stop myself, so slow-roll binge eating.

I also got drunk 4 nights last week. The liquor itself is not really the problem in terms of calories -- I am not a drunk eater, I skip meals when I drink. The problem is that alcohol fucks up my system for days sometimes; water retention, sodium cravings, yo-yo weight, and it ruins any plan I might have to work out, even a short walk on the treadmill. I normally don't let myself drink more than once a week, but again -- "mini-vaca" was a drinking trigger. Additionally, I forget to take my meds at bedtime when I drink, so I seriously fucked up my St. John's levels last week, I could feel that I was unstable, which also contributed to binge eating.

I never understood how connected my weight and depression were until it started to get better. I also really love how exercising makes me feel, so being hung over 4 days last week (including a work day... ug...) also wrecked my ability to work out. On Sunday, I was like, "Fuck this. I have got to get on the treadmill and work this shit out." I did 95 minutes in two sessions and actually did feel pretty good after. But, I still didn't make it to the gym Monday morning. I didn't have enough recovery time from my little 5-day party, and in fact I was at a sleep deficit all week.

This coming week, I am going to have to even it out a little bit. I don't want to set the bar higher at this point. I am at a level of activity that is right at the edge of my ability to maintain. That is fine, but I am not ready to step it up yet. I am still struggling to get into a set pattern, and my first and most important rule is: I will hit every one of my goals 100%, which means I am not allowing myself to set goals I can't get to. Every goal moves up (or down) in small increments. I also like the feeling I get from pushing myself past those marks, so I actually feel incentivized by my goals. I did temporarily move the bar up this week because I fucked up so bad the week before. (See: Squeaked through.) I just need to remind myself that this was a temporary adjustment, not the new bar height.

LOL. I had a great week, lost a ton of weight, noticed my muscles getting bigger and my measurements changed significantly for the better, and my clothes are fitting nicer. And I'm trashing myself for not hitting every single goal. OK, no more of that nonsense! I had a great week and I am going to have another great week this coming week, too.

St. John's Wort surprisingly effective

I guess I'm having some side effects from the St. John's Wort, but they are minor. Dry mouth is the most annoying of them. Although I do experience some mild upset stomach from them as well, but that is manageable with food and water. I try to take them on top of food, not under it.

Regardless of the side effects, the effects are really stunning to me. I attribute these effects to St. John's because it is the only thing I am doing that I have never done before, and I have never had any of these effects before:

• Almost totally lost interest in alcohol: now this one is just amazing to me. I used to be an every day drinker, and in the last few years I was still drinking (i.e.: getting drunk) 3-4 nights a week. I didn't realize that I was using alcohol as a medication. The only thing I can attribute it to is that because I am feeling better, and sleeping better, and being more able to manage my moods, I'm not counting the hours until I can get home to my bottle. Additionally, even when I do drink, I end up drinking one or two and actually feel grossed out by it, and I end up chugging down water and a couple Advil to make sure I don't suffer from it. This past Fri night, I did end up drinking quite a lot, got nice and drunk and ..... omg, Saturday I felt like I had literally poisoned myself. 

• The house is clean: Ok, so I didn't realize how much of a trigger dirty dishes were for me. So it goes like this: dishes start to pile up; the more they accumulate the less I am able to deal with them; it gets to the point where I am washing things as I need them, leaving the rest to rot in the sink; eventually I wash them all and put them away, but it has to reach catastrophe level first. So..... since I started the St. John's I have been washing my dishes pretty much every day. And I feel a sense like an actual weight was lifted off me. Is that weird? Why the hell couldn't I make that connection in my head before? That dirty dishes piling up were triggering depressive episodes? And, even better: with the dishes being clean, I also have been keeping the house in general more picked up. 

• I'm not paralyzed by decision making: I can make choices and act on them, another thing I didn't really see as that much of a problem. But it really was (an still is in some ways) a big problem. It was affecting me at every level of my life, down to the annoying shit where I will scroll through Netflix for so long that I use up my TV time trying to CHOOSE a show. Also, i have been feeling relief from this pressure I always feel like every single decision has to lead to the most perfect, most exactly right, excellent choice that will leave me feeling completely fulfilled and every experience has to be the pinnacle of perfection. Again, I'll use TV as the example: like I have to pick the exact perfect show to watch -- like I can't turn off a show if it isn't what I am in the mood for, or I shouldn't re-watch things I've seen before, even if that is the thing I keep coming back to over and over -- duh, watch it. I don't mean my whole problem is about TV, it's a metaphor for everything. 
  

• I'm losing my obsessive focus on the future: Yes, I can buy just enough of something to get to my next payday. And if I de-prioritize something today, I can pick it up again in 3 days or 3 weeks. I can work on things incrementally, I don't have to have instant results (which is how I never do anything.) I can put $50 in my savings account -- just because it's not $500... well, it will never be that much if I never put any in. Also, if I put that $50 in my savings, it's still my money, it's not like I've lost access to it. And if I try out something new, that's all it is -- something new. If I don't like it, I can stop and it's not a failure. It was a try. 

• I am feeling more outgoing and open: I have been feeling more like I can be up front with my feelings and opinions on things. I know that sounds weird coming from someone who seems to forthright on the Internet. But in person, out loud with my voice, I often feel like I have to protect myself, keep my opinions to myself, even to the point of participating in things I don't want to, or letting someone else's opinions supersede mine when there is no real need for that. I also have been feeling more friendly toward people, my coworkers specifically. All I do is work and go home, so if I want any friends, I need to make some friends at work. I've worked there 2 years and I have only done something away from work with 2 people 2 times. There are people there I like, as in would be friends with outside of work, and although I have to be somewhat mindful of that -- because I am a member of sr. management -- I know I am capable of keeping that balance. First of all, I only like people who are capable of understanding that. And, it's not like I want to party and go throw myself into situations that are going to look bad on Monday at morning meeting. I just need some friends, and I have come to the realization that probably most people derive their in-practice social circle from their coworkers, and that is ok for me too. 

Well, I guess that's the update. I am still about 2 weeks out from the 6-week mark where I should start to level out on the supplement. But I am feeling really good about it, and i have noticed that I am starting to level out a little, it terms of getting used to the side effects. And the benefits are starting to seem like actual changes in my patterns more than just a med working on me. It's good.

St. John's Wort & some random chatter

So I have started taking St. John's Wort in capsule form, 300 mg 3x/day. It can take up to 4-6 weeks to reach full effect, so I want to document that I started taking it Tuesday, Oct 16th, 2018. So, six weeks will be 11/27/18.

So far, I feel like it is working. Of course it has only been 4 days, and I have also restarted Valerian 500 mg a bedtime, as well as Sleepytime Tea Extra that has Valerian root in it along with what I was already taking: 10 mg melatonin (down from 20 or even 30 sometimes) and 1000 mg Tylenol PM.

I have also re-started using Breathe-Right nose strips that really do help me, I forgot how much. Additionally, I did make the adjustments to my environment (blackout curtain, white noise, no TV) and I have been sticking to my no eating before bed (except a snack, an actual snack, not a meal I call a snack...) And, I have been walking around the outside of the building usually twice day at work, so that is about 1/2 mile a day.

My results this week have been good. I feel encouraged. I have slept real sleep every night since I made these changes. What I am finding is I am feeling really tired by the end of the day every day, which is good for two main reasons: 1) it means I am starting to recover / sleep off some of my "banked" fatigue -- the exhaustion / stress combo we naturally shunt off for later that builds up over time in what I call bubbles or boxes; and 2) ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh....... I fucking love sleeping.

I have felt fairly good most of the week since I started being able to sleep again. I did feel a little short tempered when stressed, like more than usual or at least more than I normally allow to show. I did notice that my irritation with other drivers was a lot more mellow this week. That is something I work on all the time. I strive to be more Zen in the car, and it works better some days than others.

I have also been mindful of "excessive rumination" which I would have said is not something I do, if you had just asked me cold about it. But having read about it in several trustworthy places, I catch myself several times a day saying, "quit dwelling on shit, Kyle." It's fairly eye opening actually. And it has worked to mentally check myself. I was shocked to have clear evidence that I rehash shit in my mind all the time, and feel angry or guilty or sad or all of that over shit that is over and I've had plenty of time to work through it. As I said already, it is quite eye opening, and I feel a sense of refreshment from realizing it's just demons, just memories, and the past does not define me unless I allow it to. I am who I say I am.

OK, I have said a dozen times to myself today that I will get out for a real walk somewhere. So instead of writing this blog post any longer, I'm going to go do that.

Call A Spade A Spade

They say never to Google your symptoms. In spite of that, we all do it, right? And I say why not? We only believe the results that confirm what we already decided was wrong anyway. Same reason you're not supposed to give yourself Tarot readings, even though we all do it. It's confirmation bias at it's best because it appears legit. (Googling your symptoms and being like, "See, I knew I had Methemoglobinemia!" -- NOTE: I have no idea what Methemoglobinemia is; I Googled "super obscure disease" and that was the one that came up that looked scary enough to make my point.)

My point here is we all want to know what's wrong when we don't feel good. And when you have a persistent, recurring kind of  "not good" that people don't see as legit you simultaneously learn to mask it / live with it, and begin obsessively seeking a "cure." I hate labels and more than that I hate what people think about me once a label is put on me. Because I grew up gay with an un-supportive family in a rural community in the 70-80s, I have always had the subconscious pressure to conform, to hide, to excuse anything that opened me to criticism. Even illness or discomforts. 

What am I talking about?

I have had a lifelong problem sleeping. When I was a kid my mother called me a "finicky" sleeper. I couldn't sleep away from home, anything would disturb my sleep, and I was and remain today a toss-and-turner, and it takes me upwards of an hour or more to fall asleep -- on a good night, when I'm tired. 

In my adult life it has gotten worse, even as I have developed skills for living with it. You do adapt to sleep deprivation, you get accustomed to being tired all the time. Also, throughout my 20s and into my 30s, I started drinking alcohol -- a lot. For a good number of years I was an every day drinker, and as my tolerance grew to epic proportions, I started drinking myself into a blackout pretty much daily. But, even for a seasoned drinker, that loses its luster after a decade or two. And, unless you literally drink yourself into a blackout alcohol fucks up your sleep patterns anyway, so it's not a long term solution. Believe me, I tried. 

It gets so bad sometimes that I can't go to work. And because I feel that calling out "because I'm tired" is not a good enough justification to miss work, I often embellish my story when I call. I have a migraine. I have diarrhea. Anything believable that won't trigger the almighty Doctor's Note. I don't want to go to the doctor. I want to go back to bed.

But what I really want is to feel better. I want to sleep at night. I want to have energy to do things, and keep plans that I make and do my dishes. I miss the old me, the Kyle who was outgoing and social and had creative ideas that he carried out, the guy who liked people and wasn't afraid to answer the phone. The Kyle who wasn't angry and withdrawn all the time.

I thought you said sleep was your problem? That sounds like depression to me.

Lo and behold. 46 years of trying and I finally Googled the right thing.

I woke up this morning, if you can call what happened "waking up," since I didn't feel like I had slept to begin with, and got out of bed and went directly to my phone and called my boss and said I was not coming in today, I don't feel good. I am lucky at this moment in my life to have a boss who will accept that simple reason. I have also struggled with supervisors over the years who put forth the attitude that you need to be missing a limb or have had a heart attack to be forgiven for missing work. And that has made me develop even deeper denial that anything other than insomnia might be wrong with me, or maybe I'm an alcoholic. Or worse, maybe I really do have some horrible disease that is underlying it all and I just need to bite the bullet and see a doctor.

Fuck that nonsense. I know what's wrong. I just don't like the answer. It's a terrible label. And people will make fun of me, or not believe me, or treat me like I have mental disorder. And wow have I had enough of that in my life, starting with the first time a family member noticed me acting too much "like a girl." I've known for a long time that if anything is wrong with me, it better be a migraine or that stomach flu that's going around. Not depression. Not bad feelings. Feelings are bad. 

Regardless, today I Googled, "My dreams are so real I don't feel rested," which is what is symptomatically wrong lately. It has been getting worse. I am now, every night, feeling like I am not sleeping. My dreams are so real -- and by that I mean so mundane and believable -- that I wake up without realizing I was even sleeping to begin with until I realize what I was just "doing" was in fact a dream.

Fucked up, I know. So, my Google rabbit hole led me to The Clinical Depression Learning Path, and I actually read it instead of dismissing it instantly because the stuff about sleep described my problem exactly. I've Googled it all. Insomnia. Alcoholism. GERD. I thought I was Autistic for a while. COPD. Every time I have heart burn I think I'm having a heart attack because I'm a fat guy over 40. Maybe it's Diabetes or my thyroid. Maybe I need a C-PAP, I do snore really bad. Maybe I need another mattress. 

Or maybe: 

Holy Shit. Maybe DEPRESSION is fucking up my sleep cycles which in turn is exacerbating every other small discomfort. And this little revelation allowed me to be open minded enough to read some more signs & symptoms of depression:

• Exhaustion on waking
• Disrupted sleep, sometimes through upsetting dreams
• Early morning waking and difficulty getting back to sleep
• Doing less of what they used to enjoy
• Difficulty concentrating during the day
• Improved energy as the day goes on
• Anxious worrying and intrusive upsetting thoughts
• Becoming emotional or upset for no particular reason
• Shortness of temper, or irritability

Really? Every. Single. One.

Then some symptoms, and this really messed with me because -- well, almost every one. I don't have suicidal thoughts, never have. And I wouldn't say that I feel overtly sad.

• You feel miserable and sad.
• You feel exhausted a lot of the time with no energy.
• You feel as if even the smallest tasks are sometimes impossible.
• You seldom enjoy the things that you used to enjoy - you may be off sex or food or may 'comfort eat' to excess.
• You feel very anxious sometimes.
• You don't want to see people or are scared to be left alone. Social activity may feel hard or impossible.
• You find it difficult to think clearly.
• You feel like a failure and/or feel guilty a lot of the time.
• You feel a burden to others.
• You sometimes feel that life isn't worth living.
• You can see no future. There is a loss of hope. You feel all you've ever done is make mistakes and that's all that you ever will do.
• You feel irritable or angry more than usual.
• You feel you have no confidence.
• You spend a lot of time thinking about what has gone wrong, what will go wrong or what is wrong about yourself as a person. You may also feel guilty sometimes about being critical of others (or even thinking critically about them).
• You feel that life is unfair.
• You have difficulty sleeping or wake up very early in the morning and can't sleep again. You seem to dream all night long and sometimes have disturbing dreams.
• You feel that life has/is 'passing you by.'
• You may have physical aches and pains which appear to have no physical cause, such as back pain.

Anyway. I guess this is something I have known all along, but I always wanted to look at it from the other direction -- that depression was a symptom of insomnia or poor health choices, not that depression was the cause of those things.

I know I have had depressive episodes, and I can see over my lifetime how those cycles look. I know what it means when I don't clean my house for a month and don't change my sheets for 6 and start drinking 3 or 4 nights a week. I know that I am going to be sorry when I start to let my bills and commitments pile up, but I do it anyway. I know there is going to be a big collapse if let things go unaddressed, and I tell myself I won't let it happen, and it happens anyway. 

Oddly enough, for someone who doesn't sleep for shit at night, one of my strongest reactions to anxiety is to sleep. After something really triggering or really stressful happens to me, be it physical or emotional, I often find myself unable to keep my eyes open. And I'll pass out within a few minutes of laying down, which I will do no matter what sometimes -- even if I have plans I an excited for, I find myself falling asleep. And I'll sleep for 20-30 min and wake up feeling way more refreshed than you would think a 20 min nap could do for you. 

I've begun to recognize this for what it is. On Sunday this past week I was feeling really exhausted all day, and had no idea why. I had slept somewhat okay for 2 nights, got to sleep in, etc. I ended up taking a 3 hour nap that was really not restful. I dreamed almost the whole time, woke up a lot, never felt like I had gone down into the deep, black sleep you really need to rest. (non-REM) But, when I woke up, I did the dishes, cleaned up the kitchen, changed the litter box and took out the trash. And when that was all over, I realized I felt better. And for some reason right in that moment it was clear as day to me that it was not one or other that was making me feel better -- the sleep or the chores, but that it was interconnected. My anxiety over how gross my house was getting was making me collapse into sleep, but I had to pull myself together enough to do the chores so the trigger would go away. Shitty, self-perpetuating cycle right there, huh? 

So, it's depression.

I feel like I can deal with that. Not "deal with it" as in find a way to live with it, but I actually feel like I can address that and maybe do something about it. 

It's ironic that I have had an episode so intense right now. I am actually in a really good place that I have worked hard to get to, and really got myself through a very shitty year. I got through my relationship falling apart last year, having to move three times, and having to make the decision to have my dog euthanized. I bought a house. I got a promotion that I worked hard for and kept my eye on the prize when I didn't get it the first (or second...) time. I am actively working on getting out of debt, with a real plan I can do, and am doing. 

And.... in spite of all of that, my sleep problems have become so bad that I finally had to admit it's not insomnia. I take enough sleep meds for 3 people and it barely touches my symptoms. And it's not like I'm so physically exhausted I can't function. I called out of work today because me mental state is so broken down I just can't even imagine having to tolerate the atmosphere at work. I would have a breakdown. I would cry or freak out on someone or end up in the bathroom shitting out everything I've eaten -- another gross symptom of whatever the fuck happens to me when I'm over-stressed: I get the shits. At home, with the blinds drawn and the cats checking in on me every few minutes I still managed to get some projects done, did the laundry and wrote this blog entry. But that also reinforces my self-doubt anxiety, "If you can do all that stuff why can't you go to work?" Which in turn makes me have to reinforce my story -- oh I had a terrible headache all day (I kinda do, but some ibuprofen is managing it...) and I just felt awful (at least that's true, and they can think whatever they want about exactly what it means, I don't elaborate, ever.)

But, here's the rub: the good patch in life is the trigger. 

I've been here before. Good job, good life situation, no big problems. But it never lasts. Something is going to fuck it up. I'm always waiting for "what next." That's the depression talking. And guess what? There is going to be a next thing. And a next thing, and probably a few next things all at once that feel like a conspiracy against me. 

The difference this time, and I don't know what made it this way other than providence, is that I've had a few next things come along lately and because I have actually made sustainable changes in my lifestyle, they didn't wreck the whole scaffolding of my life. I made it through a few problems that would have been catastrophes before, mostly intact. The good patch is starting to be more like a good garden. 

And for whatever reason, it has triggered my biggest symptom -- not sleeping - over the top. But I guess it also has a good outcome: I finally figured out what's wrong. And it turns out it's something I know I can fix. Isn't that ironic? 

So I wrote this blog post. And hopefully I'll write some more as I work out some depression issues.