Smashed It - boom!

I said I was gonna lean in, and I did. Weighed in at 249, meaning I lost 7 lbs this week and 48 lbs overall.

Also lost an inch around my chest and oddly enough half an inch off my calf which I didn't think was fat -- LOL. I've seen a marked increase in the definition of my legs overall, so I'm pleased to see that result. Also oddly, my neck seems to have gotten half an inch thicker, but maybe when I took my measurements 2 weeks ago I measured wrong? My neck has been 18 inches for years, even when I was down to 185 lbs in 2012, it was 17. I also lost half an inch off my waist which I was expecting; I have had to tighten my belt down another notch and I will have to do another one pretty soon -- that will make it down to the 4th hole, when I was squeezing myself into the last one when I started and was thinking that I might have to make a new one, or get a bigger belt.

Made a few adjustments to my routine this week:

• I have decided that "Leg Day," which is Tues & Thu will be cardio-focused on the treadmill using high inclines at fast pace, with varied positioning to work my whole lower body. I have ditched the machines I was working out on at the gym; I am not convinced I was getting any benefits from them, and the HIT cardio results this week are pretty persuasive to me. If the results stay in line with what I saw this week, I will stay with it. 
• I have started eating my dinner later in the evening, which has resulted in me not needing to eat essentially a second meal later on. I was able to not eat at all after dinner, or only have an actual snack-sized snack. I was trying this method where I was eating half to two-thirds of my dinner then setting it aside for half an hour or thereabouts, then finishing it later. It wasn't very effective though. I found that I was obsessing on it: thinking about it constantly, watching the clock, planning my next meal before I even finished the one I was artificially dragging out over an hour. And I was still eating a much larger snack -- more like a small meal -- later in the evening. This week, I ate my dinner as much as an hour and a half later -- around 8 pm, and I ate the entire meal (mindfully, which I am going to write a whole post about...) and was not hungry afterward. So, the gimmicky eat-half-now-eat-half-later method is shelved. It was a good idea, but it just didn't work.

I'm thinking about switching to free weights instead of the machines at the gym. I don't know. I still feel a little self conscious, especially with some of the really fit, muscular guys who work out at my gym. I don't worry about them judging me, I worry about me judging me. Regardless, I have been YouTubing some free weight training and advice videos and watching some of the guys at the gym who are really fit and observing which lifts / routines they do, and just letting it ruminate around in my head. We'll see.

I think my goal for last week definitely got met, smashed it in fact. I was struggling for about 3 weeks with a plateau, or my metabolism trying to enforce a new set point, or whatever it was -- I couldn't seem to get down below 260 and stay there. Every time, I would see the scale go down to 259 or less and the next fuckin' day, I would be right back up there -- 261, 263 -- fuckin' 265, and I'm like, OH HELL NO. I really used my mind-body connection this week. I stepped it up at the gym and in my home workouts, I stuck to my diet plan 100% and enforced a 1000 calorie deficit (or more) every day, and pushed myself hard on weight lifting. And it paid off. I am thrilled with the result, and I think I succeeded in getting over that little hump.

Let's recap my actual set goals. I need a little reminder. I did promise myself that my very strict up-tick this week was not going to set a new bar. I'm not very good at holding myself back once I get to a new level, but I also have found a few of my limits in terms of what is sustainable. I know I can't do what I did last week 100% of the time going forward. It was a means to an end, a hard push, not the new normal.

Thus:

• Do something active 6 days a week
• Go to the gym 5 x/wk
• Weight train 3 x/wk
• Do HIT cardio 2 x/wk
• Minimum 300 minutes cardio every week
• Maintain a 500 calorie deficit every day
• Take my meds every day - (in fact, I have added biotin to my regimen, so...)
• AM: 1 biotin, 2 St. Johns's Wort, 1 B-Complex
• PM: 1 St. John's Wort, 2 Tylenol PM, 10 mg melatonin, 3 Valerian Root
• Saturday is "zero day" (meaning I can do nothing if I want, and eat anything I want, but also "zero" because the only caveat is: I will also do zero harm to my other goals while I do whatever the fuck I feel like on Sat.)
• Eat mindfully (my mindful, not someone else's rules.)

42 lbs lost and going strong

I said I'd have a better story this week and I definitely do. Weighed in at 255 lbs, so I lost 7 lbs this week and 42 lbs since the start. Also took my measurements and I am happy to report I have lost 1/2 an inch off my neck, 1"inch each from my chest and stomach, and 2" inches off my thigh. 💪✔

As I've already mentioned on Facebook, I noticed for the first time that my pecs are starting to be visible when I flex them, and I am starting to be able to see and feel that my booty is getting nicer. I noticed it first early in the week when I realized my underwear is fitting different. Then, I also did a "feel test" so to speak later in the week, right after I got off the treadmill from doing a hill challenge and I was like, "OMG, I can grab a handful back there. Sweet." I noticed last week that my stomach is getting visibly smaller, and that it doesn't feel all hard and pushed out and my shirts are falling lower on me -- I don't feel all the time like my belly is hanging out of my clothes.

I was feeling a little discouraged earlier in the week because I was kind of treading water in terms of losing weight. I went to the gym 4 times and worked out at home 6 days, and was staying the same weight every day. Then, this morning I got on the scale and was like, "Holy shit! Seriously?" I actually weighed myself again (which I rarely ever do) just to make sure and it was the same to the tenth of a pound. Hell yeah, 7 lbs. So my body was just messing with me -- holding out on letting go of some poundage to test me. It was a test, too. I was feeling like my effort was wasted or I was doing it wrong. Even though this week was also the week I started to actually be able to see physical results from exercise, in fact, I think that made it even more confounding to have the scale be so stubborn.

And really, I am down 14 lbs from last Saturday. I reported my Fri weight last week... 'cause I was ashamed of what I had done to tank my diet on my mini-vaca. I also only went to the gym Mon & Tues last week. I will confess now that I actually gained weight last week, almost 8 lbs. So really, it took me a hella lot of effort to bang that number back down to where it was. I ate at a 1000 calorie deficit for 3 days and did 80 minutes on the treadmill between the gym and home every day. It took me until Wednesday to get back down to where I was the first day of my mini-vaca last week. Then I lost another 9 lbs. I am fairly certain a lot of it was water weight, considering I had to pee probably twice as often as usual all week.

I would not be surprised to find out all of it was water weight. When I say I tanked my diet I am not kidding. I ate more than I should have the whole 4 1/2 days, had all kinds of garbage food, and a couple mild binges. I say mild binges because it was really just good old fashioned overeating, but I was aware that I was responding to psychological eating triggers and still couldn't stop myself, so slow-roll binge eating.

I also got drunk 4 nights last week. The liquor itself is not really the problem in terms of calories -- I am not a drunk eater, I skip meals when I drink. The problem is that alcohol fucks up my system for days sometimes; water retention, sodium cravings, yo-yo weight, and it ruins any plan I might have to work out, even a short walk on the treadmill. I normally don't let myself drink more than once a week, but again -- "mini-vaca" was a drinking trigger. Additionally, I forget to take my meds at bedtime when I drink, so I seriously fucked up my St. John's levels last week, I could feel that I was unstable, which also contributed to binge eating.

I never understood how connected my weight and depression were until it started to get better. I also really love how exercising makes me feel, so being hung over 4 days last week (including a work day... ug...) also wrecked my ability to work out. On Sunday, I was like, "Fuck this. I have got to get on the treadmill and work this shit out." I did 95 minutes in two sessions and actually did feel pretty good after. But, I still didn't make it to the gym Monday morning. I didn't have enough recovery time from my little 5-day party, and in fact I was at a sleep deficit all week.

This coming week, I am going to have to even it out a little bit. I don't want to set the bar higher at this point. I am at a level of activity that is right at the edge of my ability to maintain. That is fine, but I am not ready to step it up yet. I am still struggling to get into a set pattern, and my first and most important rule is: I will hit every one of my goals 100%, which means I am not allowing myself to set goals I can't get to. Every goal moves up (or down) in small increments. I also like the feeling I get from pushing myself past those marks, so I actually feel incentivized by my goals. I did temporarily move the bar up this week because I fucked up so bad the week before. (See: Squeaked through.) I just need to remind myself that this was a temporary adjustment, not the new bar height.

LOL. I had a great week, lost a ton of weight, noticed my muscles getting bigger and my measurements changed significantly for the better, and my clothes are fitting nicer. And I'm trashing myself for not hitting every single goal. OK, no more of that nonsense! I had a great week and I am going to have another great week this coming week, too.

Milestone: tightened my belt down a notch

Very good week! Amazing what happens when you set goals and stick to them. Weighed in this week at 277 lbs, which is 18 lbs lost since I started tracking and this week I dropped 4 lbs. Something I see as an even greater success, and a literal milestone: I moved down a belt notch this week. I waited until I couldn't stand the feeling that my pants were going to slide off my hips any more, then one day at work in the bathroom I cinched my belt down another hole -- and much to my surprise, I was comfortable the rest of the day, even sitting down.

I need to start taking my measurements again. I'm sure the belt notch represents a couple inches lost off my waist and I know my muscles are getting bigger because I can see (and feel) the proof. I have a cloth measuring tape and 2 tape measures, you'd think I could find one of them...

Goal: start taking my measurements again.

So what did I do? Well, I went to the gym M, W & F and worked out at home the other two. And I found that as I increased my physical activity, my appetite decreased. I am still using WW to to track my dietary intake and my weight, and I ate less than my daily points allowance every day without feeling hungry. One day I only ate 18 points (which is less than half) and although I did not feel hungry that day, I was really hungry the next day before each meal. It was the only day I came close to eating my whole points allotment. So, I did learn from that a little lesson: don't under-eat, there will be a payback.

I also go the book, "It Starts With Food," and have been reading it as my bathroom book. And I have been watching every documentary or special I can get my hands on between all my TV platforms. I also try to do a 25 min beginner workout on HASFit while I cook dinner, every day. It's interesting to me, and I feel like I'm also helping my brain by watching TV that is actually educational.

I am also doing really well on my plan to eat at least 50% of my calories from vegetables. I have been having a salad for lunch every day at work, and and a lean protein with a mix of roasted or sauteed vegetables for dinner pretty much every day. This has also allowed me to keep some of the comfort meals I like in my diet without them tanking my goals. Those being: Buffalo chicken strips, french fries (oven baked only, no restaurant fries) and I also like Orange Chicken or General Tso's Chicken over white rice. I eat one or both of those once a week, but they have become the exception not the norm. I also haven't eaten a frozen pizza in at least 6 weeks, maybe more, haven't even felt tempted. I did eat 2 slices of pepperoni pizza at work about a month ago, but I actually felt kinda gross afterward. Astonishingly, I have also not eaten sandwich bread in about a month, and only a couple English muffins a week (I like one with my at-home breakfast, so Sat & Sun) and a couple times a week I eat a flour tortilla - -either a wrap of some kind or a fish taco, oh yeah, and I do still keep frozen bean & cheese burritos in the freezer which I tend to use as the base of a meal 1-2 times a week. However -- I never in all my days imagined the day would come that I didn't have a loaf of bread in the house and didn't care. I haven't even bought garden burgers 'cause I don't want to eat bread. And really, garden burgers are kind of gross, dry, carboardy grain-based quasi-bread. I'm not a vegetarian (although sometimes I forget that.) If I want a burger, I'd have a meaty one. With bacon. My standard day-to-day diet is clean enough that I can (literally) stomach some less-than-ideal foods -- they are part of my psychological satisfaction with food.

I am also doing pretty good on my promise to myself that I am going to change the way I experience food. I am working on putting my fork down after every bite. The only time I am not sticking to that is at work, and I will buckle down on that one too. I am also trying to prepare for dinner, not just prepare the food, but prepare my environment. I light some candles and incense and set the table and make sure I designate the time period as "dinner time." I'll admit it: I watch TV while I eat, I am going to keep doing that. But, I still make a concerted effort to stage my environment, put down my fork between bites, and make sure to actually taste the food before I swallow it. I also try to drink a full glass of water 20-30 minutes before eating, even if I forget the time frame, I still drink one even if it's right before. Then I drink another whole glass as part of the meal.

It is worth writing down what my routine / regimen currently looks like:

Meds / Supplements:

• St. John's Wort, 900 mg (600 in the AM & 300 at bedtime)
• Vitamin B Mega-Complex (1 cap in the AM)
• Tylenol PM (1000 mg at bedtime)
• Valerian (1500 mg at bedtime)
• Melatonin (10 mg at bedtime)

Exercise:

• Situps and lower ab crunches (15 ea. 5x week M-F first thing)
• Gym 3x week (M,W, & F before work)
• Beginner full body workout (15-25 min 5x week M-F in the evening)
• Spontaneous use of my hand weights, usually in response to an emotional food trigger

Diet:

• 50% of my calories from vegetables
• Lean protein with every meal
• Portion snacks on plates, and actually portion them
• Keep an honest and complete written track of what I put in my mouth (cock doesn't count unless you actually eat it.)
• Eat mindfully
• Before eating anything at all, drink a glass of water
• Drink a full glass of water first thing in the morning, and at bedtime (I drink a whole glass down with my supplements AM & PM, easy peasy.)
• Do a triple check system when I feel a food craving:
• Am I really hungry or was it an emotional trigger? What am I thinking about?
• Am I thirsty? Drink water and wait 5 minutes.
• Is my body craving activity? Walk around or do a 10 min workout video or use my 15 lbs hand weight and do some arm curls or something, just to see if a little activity will kill the craving.
• Plan out and prep my meals before I'm hungry. Sounds weird, but it keeps me from letting hunger give me permission to deep fry everything and dip it in ranch. 
• If I have a snack craving, at least try some snow peas or carrot sticks or a pickle. I find a pickle usually satisfies my evening snack wants by being savory and crunchy and filling all at once.

I'm happy to announce I am doing good on all of it. I've cleaned up my nutritional regimen, totally changed up my physical activity level, found myself actually interested in it instead of feeling obligated to it, and changed my routines for the better. I have lost all the weight I gained last year -- I am back down to the weight I was at 18 months ago when I last made any concerted effort to diet. I am feeling better, sleeping better, and have seen a huge improvement in my mental state and the best part -- I am still actively looking for ways to make it even better.

Something about me has changed. As I already said, I find myself interested in it and I see the results and I want to see more. When I've done this before I've tended to see only the long term goal, not the process. I hate T-shirt wisdom, but the journey really is the important part. It's not like when I get to my goal weight I can just go back to sitting in front of the TV sucking down 3 frozen pizzas a week. I will have to maintain my dietary and exercise goals for life. And that doesn't bother me this time. I don't see the goal weight as the "stopping point" any more.

In fact, there is ample evidence that people who have lost large amounts of weight -- more than 25% of their body weight or greater, have to eat a calorie reduced diet for life to maintain that weight, as much as 10% less daily calories than someone who has been at or close to a healthy weight their whole life. Your metabolism as a "set point" that goes up much easier than it goes down, and it is an evolutionary survival trait for all humans. Our bodies are built to store fat (energy) and will store as much as we give it. It's pretty basic: what goes in, goes in. It only comes out if we do something to use it up. There is also ample evidence that muscle building exercise is critical in maintaining a healthy weight. Even though you don't burn a lot of calories while you are lifting weights, the amount of energy your body uses actually building muscle tissue has benefits equal to cardio, but in the form of changing your actual shape, not just the number on the scale. Keeping muscle strength up also contributes to bone density and triggers endorphin cascades in your brain which help regulate all kinds of things including mood and appetite control.

So, it's been a good week. I was probably too hard on myself 2 weeks ago for not working out that much and going off the wagon in a few little ways. The truth is I hurt myself (my foot) and I needed some time to heal and that included some food indulgences too. I am determined that I am going to do this in a way that is psychologically and emotionally satisfying to me. And this week I saw the real proof that my goals are working. And instead of taking that as permission to back slide a little, I have seen it as evidence that I should keep going forward.

Lettuce for the win...

Well, good news I lost 3 lbs.

Also noted that pretty much the minute I started eating a salad every day and trying to get 50% or more of my calories from vegetable two things happened:

1. I have not even thought of eating a Tums, let alone the 3-5 a day I was taking before.
2. I have been sleeping much better.

I attribute this entirely to my diet. It is the only change I made last week. Who knew? Lettuce is a sleep med.

I was pretty sure I was going to like what I saw when I got on the scale. I noted about mid-week doing up my pants in the bathroom at work that I didn't have to cinch my belt tight to get to the first hole on my belt (I was down to the 4th hole....) It has been getting to the point I was considering buying a bigger belt. So I was very pleased when I yanked on my belt to get it to go to the 1st hole and it went past there. That's a win, I'll take it.

I did fall off the wagon a little on Friday. I ate a whole Walmart pepperoni pizza, which is 56 points on WW. (More than a whole day's points...) and I drank quite a bit of beer, like..... almost a 12 pack. However, that was the only time I drank all week, and I did it consciously -- I knew I was going to, I planned it, including my own little dance party, and I enjoyed it. (Rather than suffering both a hangover and crushing guilt the next day, I was like, "Hm. Yeah, I'm a little shitty this morning, but that was fun.")

I'm 10 days out from the 6-week mark on the St. John's Wort and I can definitely tell I am starting to level out. I'm not having the side effects that much any more, although taking it on an empty stomach is still pretty ugly afterward in terms of yucky stomach feeling. Once I hit the 6-week mark I am going to probably start taking 450 mg 2x/day instead of 300 3x. I find taking a pill mid-day is inconvenient and I have to carry a sketchy looking ziplock bag in my pocket with an unmarked pill in it -- I work in a healthcare facility, that is just not good. 

I have also increased my Valerian to 1500 mg (from 1000) at bedtime, and it is working much better. I don't really like Sleepytime Tea, and it wasn't doing that much for me. I'd rather drink a cup of tea whose taste I actually enjoy for the relaxation / psychic benefits, and also, I like a cup of tea in the late afternoon (tea time...) rather than at bedtime. I like the idea of drinking tea to help me relax and refocus my attention on my well-being. It's just that the Sleepytime was not effective as a treatment for me. And the taste is merely tolerable, not that enjoyable.

I started using an activity tracker last week and saw the actual hard data that I am not getting enough physical activity by about half or more. Gotta raise the bar on that. More activity will be this week's #1 point to work on.

Overall, I am happy with the direction things are going. My weight is going down and the quality of my sleep and my moods is going up. I got this.

Yeah, that sleep

OK, it's time to kick it up a notch.

Today I remembered that I used to take Valerian at bedtime and that breathe-right nose strips actually work for me. My ex swears by them, not for himself but because he says its the only time I didn't keep him awake snoring. I also bought some Extra Strength Sleepytime Tea. And I'm going to give St. John's Wort a try.

I need to finish up making my bedroom into a better sleeping-encouraging room. And I'm gonna hang up that blackout curtain so my neighbor's outside light isn't shining right through my curtains all fucking night. It doesn't even help when they turn it off because the change in the light disturbs me. And I need to re-position my fan so it isn't blowing on me, but I need the noise.

So I am adjusting my OTC meds. I don't take any scripts and don't want any, although I would take a Valium or a Xanax right about now, happily. I haven't slept any meaningful amount of time in deep sleep in so long I would for sure take something that was gonna knock me down for 10 hours. That black sleep I took for granted as a kid. Oh my kingdom for that again, without drugs.

Anyway, I am cutting back my melatonin. It really does help me sleep, but it also encourages dreaming somewhat and I don't need that so much as I need to stay asleep and not be so easily disturbed. The tiniest thing will send a spike of adrenaline through me and then I'm like, "Oh goody, another hour..." So I want to keep the lulling effect of the melatonin, but not so much on the dream state, I need to be able to get through the dream state and down into deep sleep, which is what is not happening, at all. I have been taking 20 mg melatonin, I am going to cut back to 10.

I am however adding both Valerian and St. John's Wort, so we'll see, maybe I can go back up on the melatonin down the road, it really does promote vivid dreams. But like I said, the dream state is not what I am having trouble with. I think I am going to go with the most common recommended for the St. John's: 300 mg 3x/day for 4-6 weeks then cut back to 2x as long as it works. And I've taken Valerian before, I know I can handle it at least 500 mg at bedtime. And yes I am still taking Tylenol PM pretty much very night. I got the rapid release gels this time and I don't love them, I'll go back to the regular tabs or if there is a gradual release formula I might even try that. The rapid release gels knock me out but they wear off too fast.

Anyway, I know that sounds like a lot of meds. It's really not, and they're all OTC and mostly homeopathic. And whatever. I am going to get some sleep. Like I said, I would take some (handfuls of...) prescription meds at this point, and I really really hate pharma. But it has gotten to the point that I am occasionally having a hard time distinguishing if I am asleep or awake. So really, time to kick it up a notch.

My Sleepytime Tea must be steeped by now.