Spiralize me baby! 5-star week

I didn't write anything last week because I was very disappointed to see the Thanksgiving Backslide continue. I managed to top off at 4 lbs gained, and successfully managed to feel like shit. Oddly, my resolve was hardened by this, an unusual reaction for me. And, I applied myself this week with gusto and hit a new landmark: below 290. There's an 8 where that 9 was. This morning my weight was 287.8, meaning I have lost 7.8 lbs since 11/11/18, four weeks.

I have added some exercise to my routine and will continue adapting it upward as I gain conditioning. I have been using my 30 lb hand weight, and doing sit-ups in the morning as soon as I get out of bed. The first thing I noticed is that it is getting easier to get up and down from the floor. And by the end of the first week, I found the sit-ups getting easier and have added more. I'm still struggling to get enough walking in though. I need to prioritize that this week.

I also stayed within my WW points every day this week. And the scale tells the tale. It works. Eat clean, track your food intake, get some exercise. It works. And I even had enough Points budget to buy some brie (my favorite cheese for snacking) and to eat some fat-free raspberry sherbet -- twice. It was nice to eat an indulgence food and a sweet dessert, both guilt free. Particularly with a big weight drop (I lose 4.5 lbs this week...) to underscore the success, I am feeling really good.

I had a really stressful work week, so I was a little surprised to see myself stay so disciplined. Normally, I would be opportunistic toward something like that -- it is primed for a crash & burn that I excuse myself from any culpability for. Instead, I doubled down on my good habits. Very interesting.

I even didn't buy a pizza yesterday while I was out doing my grocery shopping. I like to shop at Save-A-Lot because you really do save a lot, and their produce and deli are just as fresh as anyone's. But, I had to go to Walmart to get cat stuff (litter and food) and I wanted to buy myself a spiralizer, so I also got the groceries there that I couldn't find at Save-A-Lot; that is one drawback of that store -- you have to buy what they have, and they don't have the selection of larger chains sometimes. Anyway, while I was in the frozen aisle getting veggie burgers and frozen fish (yes filet, not breaded) I turned around and angels playing harps appeared and golden light shone down on the Rising Crust Supreme... mmmm, delicious demon.

And I didn't buy a pizza, even though that voice in my head said, "It's the weekend, I can have a treat..." And I lingered. And considered it. And tried to talk myself into a thin crust pizza as a compromise. (Disgusto.  Ew, I hate thin crust pizza.) And stared longingly. And then I said, "Fuck no. I am not buying a pizza." And walked away. *phew*

I'm doing fine with the supplements I take. I can tell that I have leveled out on the St. John's Wort. I said I was going to wait until that benchmark to adjust my dose frequency, but I actually did it a couple weeks ago. I said I would start taking 450 mg 2x / day, but the supplement I buy comes in 300 mg caps, so I have been taking 600 in the morning and 300 at bedtime. I am pretty pleased with that. I need the stronger level during the day anyway. I am going to add a B-complex to regimen, a good one with all 8 B's. My research has led me to believe that a good B-complex is important for dietary health overall. And I know that when I take B-12, it really helps me feel alert and refreshed (that's why 5-Hour Energy shots work, they have like 400% the DRV B-12) so I'm thinking I will be just as pleased with a B-complex.

I am trying to focus on eating whole foods as much as possible. I am also going to maybe start paying closer attention to buying organic, and non-GMO. As the demand for that kind of mindfully sourced food is increasing, it is becoming more available and more affordable. I particularly like Hannaford for that, because they prominently feature locally grown produce and local food producers (like Sister's Salsa Twice Spice, which is made right here in Blue Hill, like 20 miles from me.) I have noticed since I have started eating a salad for lunch every day at work and generally increased my intake of vegetables that my GI performance is a lot better, less discomfort, more regularity and I have not taken a Tums since I started this dietary regimen. I'm starting to feel the direct consequences of anything I eat, and for whatever reason I have not had any serious backslide except the Thanksgiving 4-day.

Oh right -- and the spiralizer. So, a couple weeks ago I tried out some spiralized butternut squash spaghetti that I got at Hannaford. And I loved it. It was an awesome pasta substitute, and I am totally going to spiralize everything I can get my hands on. The one I bought has 4 settings to make spaghetti, linguine, curly, and wide band. I am not giving up pasta, but I am going to default to spiralized veggies, and the spiralizer will pay for itself in savings really quick. It was $40, which is not bad anyway. And compared to paying $5 for 2 cups of spiralized squash from the grocery store...

So, it was a five-star week, which I really needed. If I had gained weight or not lost more than a pound, after such a bad backslide, I might have fallen off the wagon. It will be hard not to hold this week up as the new bar. I know losing 4 lbs in a week is not going to maintain, but if I drop some weight really fast, that will be just fine with me. Anyway, it was a good week. Here's to another one.

Thanksgiving (back) Slide

Oops. Gained 2 lbs. I choose to spin this as a positive, as that means I have still lost 1 lb since I started weighing myself again. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Not only did Thanksgiving happen, wherein I actually ate so much that I couldn't find a comfortable position, sitting, standing or laying down for about 45 min after I packed the last mouthful into my throat with a jackhammer. (Not literally, but...... oink oink.) I also took a 4-day weekend from work, and didn't fall off the wagon, I was like, "Stop this shitty wagon, I'm getting off."

Admittedly, I semi-planned this. I knew I would do my favorite thing to do when I have a mini-vaca: go into Hobbit Mode, i.e.: stay home in my comfy clothes, eat 6 meals a day of super yummy comfort food, smoke the halfling leaf, and drink a gallon of beer or ten.

I didn't drink that much truly -- the St. John's Wort does seem to have the unexpected side effect of lessening to outright killing my taste for booze. I like this development, although I have also had a couple disappointing attempts to party like it's 1999 and ended up watching TV with an early-onset hangover, eating Ibuprofen and guzzling water.

I knew I was not going to see the same results as last week is my point. And, I am giving myself a pass. A conditional pass. The condition is: as long as I am right back on the wagon tomorrow (Monday) and I stay on the wagon all week, meaning next weekend, too, I am preemptively forgiving myself for this past week. I'm disappointed to see the number go up on the scale, but not surprised as I consciously (pretty much) gave permission for it to happen.

Here's the real issue: I need to look into finding some different self care / hide-at-home tactics. It's so ingrained in me that unsupervised free time = monkey brain stuff (i.e.: eat, drink, binge porn) that I truly don't even know what an alternative Perfect Weekend At Home Alone would look like. So there's a goal: find new things to picture when I hear the lyric, "...working for the weekend." And no one say fucking coloring. No, I'm not gonna fucking color. I hated coloring when I was a kid, and it is just fucking stupid. There, I feel better now that I said that. (And if you love coloring, great -- you do you, I'll do me.) But really, I gotta come up with some other things I find awesomely soul-feeding and immersive all weekend fun time.

So, today is my last day of the 4-day mini-vaca. I have another one in December. (Xmas is a Tue so I am taking Mon & Tue off that week.) While I cram myself full of fried food with one hand and spank it with the other one while I guzzle down whiskey (not really, at least not whiskey, not on a work night...) I will also contemplate other things that I might enjoy doing instead. Maybe I'll develop an obsessive fascination with fitness. Or stabbing my eyeballs with needles.

Anyway. You already know about me that I have to mock myself to be forthcoming about my true self sometimes. And that is just fine. I'm going to formulate a trial game plan for my December 4-day weekend that involves healthier pursuits. And jerking off, it's the most exercise I've gotten all weekend.

Lettuce for the win...

Well, good news I lost 3 lbs.

Also noted that pretty much the minute I started eating a salad every day and trying to get 50% or more of my calories from vegetable two things happened:

1. I have not even thought of eating a Tums, let alone the 3-5 a day I was taking before.
2. I have been sleeping much better.

I attribute this entirely to my diet. It is the only change I made last week. Who knew? Lettuce is a sleep med.

I was pretty sure I was going to like what I saw when I got on the scale. I noted about mid-week doing up my pants in the bathroom at work that I didn't have to cinch my belt tight to get to the first hole on my belt (I was down to the 4th hole....) It has been getting to the point I was considering buying a bigger belt. So I was very pleased when I yanked on my belt to get it to go to the 1st hole and it went past there. That's a win, I'll take it.

I did fall off the wagon a little on Friday. I ate a whole Walmart pepperoni pizza, which is 56 points on WW. (More than a whole day's points...) and I drank quite a bit of beer, like..... almost a 12 pack. However, that was the only time I drank all week, and I did it consciously -- I knew I was going to, I planned it, including my own little dance party, and I enjoyed it. (Rather than suffering both a hangover and crushing guilt the next day, I was like, "Hm. Yeah, I'm a little shitty this morning, but that was fun.")

I'm 10 days out from the 6-week mark on the St. John's Wort and I can definitely tell I am starting to level out. I'm not having the side effects that much any more, although taking it on an empty stomach is still pretty ugly afterward in terms of yucky stomach feeling. Once I hit the 6-week mark I am going to probably start taking 450 mg 2x/day instead of 300 3x. I find taking a pill mid-day is inconvenient and I have to carry a sketchy looking ziplock bag in my pocket with an unmarked pill in it -- I work in a healthcare facility, that is just not good. 

I have also increased my Valerian to 1500 mg (from 1000) at bedtime, and it is working much better. I don't really like Sleepytime Tea, and it wasn't doing that much for me. I'd rather drink a cup of tea whose taste I actually enjoy for the relaxation / psychic benefits, and also, I like a cup of tea in the late afternoon (tea time...) rather than at bedtime. I like the idea of drinking tea to help me relax and refocus my attention on my well-being. It's just that the Sleepytime was not effective as a treatment for me. And the taste is merely tolerable, not that enjoyable.

I started using an activity tracker last week and saw the actual hard data that I am not getting enough physical activity by about half or more. Gotta raise the bar on that. More activity will be this week's #1 point to work on.

Overall, I am happy with the direction things are going. My weight is going down and the quality of my sleep and my moods is going up. I got this.

OMG I'm so fat

OK, so this happened on FB which makes it real.

I'm not just being dramatic, either. I'm so fat that my office chair wheels don't roll when I scoot the chair, they just drag because they're flattened to the floor. And I went for a 2 mile walk yesterday and today my "bad hip" is "acting up" for the first time in months. The last time was when I climbed Acadia Mountain, which is a hard trail. So strolling down the street with my headphones on and my hip is sore like after I climbed a mountain just a few months ago. Also while I was on that walk, my knee on my "good side" gave that little warning twinge. I'm getting too fat for my skeleton to carry me.

Yes, I am making mockery of it a little. It's part of how I deal with stuff. I'm sarcastic, even toward myself. And also, seriously those things all happened.

Here's the good parts though:

I did go for a walk.

And today I made sure to walk a whole mile outdoors, which is four times around the building, done in 2 laps before and 2 laps after lunch. My office walking buddy went with me.

And I renewed my membership to WW, the re-branded Weight Watchers. It worked really well for me before -- it is what I was doing back in '11-'12 when I got really skinny for a while. I re-remembered that the Points system activates my competitiveness. It's nice to see they let you have carry-over points, that is a new part of the program. It's Scientology for fat people, but it works.

I dug out my exercise clothes. No one wants to see that, not even me, so don't ask. But I did YouTube some yoga videos and used my free weights for like 5 minutes. I picture how I plan to look in them, and do not look in the mirror while I do yoga.

So, I'm feeling pretty enthusiastic about stuff. I do know how to eat clean and get my exercise. I know I can do it. I've done it before, and that was mostly by accident, like the first 40 lbs anyway. So on purpose, I'm sure I can do it.

I have re-resolved my vow to put my silverware down between bites. I've actually been doing that one at home for a couple weeks, and I'll start it at work, too. People already think I'm weird.

This guy is still in there somewhere:

I'm printing these out and putting them on the fridge and in the bathroom and by my desk. In addition to being that vain for real, they are going to motivate me. You know what's fucked up -- I thought I was fat in these pics. (In 2012 and 2011.)(I was 40.)

St. John's Wort surprisingly effective

I guess I'm having some side effects from the St. John's Wort, but they are minor. Dry mouth is the most annoying of them. Although I do experience some mild upset stomach from them as well, but that is manageable with food and water. I try to take them on top of food, not under it.

Regardless of the side effects, the effects are really stunning to me. I attribute these effects to St. John's because it is the only thing I am doing that I have never done before, and I have never had any of these effects before:

• Almost totally lost interest in alcohol: now this one is just amazing to me. I used to be an every day drinker, and in the last few years I was still drinking (i.e.: getting drunk) 3-4 nights a week. I didn't realize that I was using alcohol as a medication. The only thing I can attribute it to is that because I am feeling better, and sleeping better, and being more able to manage my moods, I'm not counting the hours until I can get home to my bottle. Additionally, even when I do drink, I end up drinking one or two and actually feel grossed out by it, and I end up chugging down water and a couple Advil to make sure I don't suffer from it. This past Fri night, I did end up drinking quite a lot, got nice and drunk and ..... omg, Saturday I felt like I had literally poisoned myself. 

• The house is clean: Ok, so I didn't realize how much of a trigger dirty dishes were for me. So it goes like this: dishes start to pile up; the more they accumulate the less I am able to deal with them; it gets to the point where I am washing things as I need them, leaving the rest to rot in the sink; eventually I wash them all and put them away, but it has to reach catastrophe level first. So..... since I started the St. John's I have been washing my dishes pretty much every day. And I feel a sense like an actual weight was lifted off me. Is that weird? Why the hell couldn't I make that connection in my head before? That dirty dishes piling up were triggering depressive episodes? And, even better: with the dishes being clean, I also have been keeping the house in general more picked up. 

• I'm not paralyzed by decision making: I can make choices and act on them, another thing I didn't really see as that much of a problem. But it really was (an still is in some ways) a big problem. It was affecting me at every level of my life, down to the annoying shit where I will scroll through Netflix for so long that I use up my TV time trying to CHOOSE a show. Also, i have been feeling relief from this pressure I always feel like every single decision has to lead to the most perfect, most exactly right, excellent choice that will leave me feeling completely fulfilled and every experience has to be the pinnacle of perfection. Again, I'll use TV as the example: like I have to pick the exact perfect show to watch -- like I can't turn off a show if it isn't what I am in the mood for, or I shouldn't re-watch things I've seen before, even if that is the thing I keep coming back to over and over -- duh, watch it. I don't mean my whole problem is about TV, it's a metaphor for everything. 
  

• I'm losing my obsessive focus on the future: Yes, I can buy just enough of something to get to my next payday. And if I de-prioritize something today, I can pick it up again in 3 days or 3 weeks. I can work on things incrementally, I don't have to have instant results (which is how I never do anything.) I can put $50 in my savings account -- just because it's not $500... well, it will never be that much if I never put any in. Also, if I put that $50 in my savings, it's still my money, it's not like I've lost access to it. And if I try out something new, that's all it is -- something new. If I don't like it, I can stop and it's not a failure. It was a try. 

• I am feeling more outgoing and open: I have been feeling more like I can be up front with my feelings and opinions on things. I know that sounds weird coming from someone who seems to forthright on the Internet. But in person, out loud with my voice, I often feel like I have to protect myself, keep my opinions to myself, even to the point of participating in things I don't want to, or letting someone else's opinions supersede mine when there is no real need for that. I also have been feeling more friendly toward people, my coworkers specifically. All I do is work and go home, so if I want any friends, I need to make some friends at work. I've worked there 2 years and I have only done something away from work with 2 people 2 times. There are people there I like, as in would be friends with outside of work, and although I have to be somewhat mindful of that -- because I am a member of sr. management -- I know I am capable of keeping that balance. First of all, I only like people who are capable of understanding that. And, it's not like I want to party and go throw myself into situations that are going to look bad on Monday at morning meeting. I just need some friends, and I have come to the realization that probably most people derive their in-practice social circle from their coworkers, and that is ok for me too. 

Well, I guess that's the update. I am still about 2 weeks out from the 6-week mark where I should start to level out on the supplement. But I am feeling really good about it, and i have noticed that I am starting to level out a little, it terms of getting used to the side effects. And the benefits are starting to seem like actual changes in my patterns more than just a med working on me. It's good.

St. John's Wort & some random chatter

So I have started taking St. John's Wort in capsule form, 300 mg 3x/day. It can take up to 4-6 weeks to reach full effect, so I want to document that I started taking it Tuesday, Oct 16th, 2018. So, six weeks will be 11/27/18.

So far, I feel like it is working. Of course it has only been 4 days, and I have also restarted Valerian 500 mg a bedtime, as well as Sleepytime Tea Extra that has Valerian root in it along with what I was already taking: 10 mg melatonin (down from 20 or even 30 sometimes) and 1000 mg Tylenol PM.

I have also re-started using Breathe-Right nose strips that really do help me, I forgot how much. Additionally, I did make the adjustments to my environment (blackout curtain, white noise, no TV) and I have been sticking to my no eating before bed (except a snack, an actual snack, not a meal I call a snack...) And, I have been walking around the outside of the building usually twice day at work, so that is about 1/2 mile a day.

My results this week have been good. I feel encouraged. I have slept real sleep every night since I made these changes. What I am finding is I am feeling really tired by the end of the day every day, which is good for two main reasons: 1) it means I am starting to recover / sleep off some of my "banked" fatigue -- the exhaustion / stress combo we naturally shunt off for later that builds up over time in what I call bubbles or boxes; and 2) ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh....... I fucking love sleeping.

I have felt fairly good most of the week since I started being able to sleep again. I did feel a little short tempered when stressed, like more than usual or at least more than I normally allow to show. I did notice that my irritation with other drivers was a lot more mellow this week. That is something I work on all the time. I strive to be more Zen in the car, and it works better some days than others.

I have also been mindful of "excessive rumination" which I would have said is not something I do, if you had just asked me cold about it. But having read about it in several trustworthy places, I catch myself several times a day saying, "quit dwelling on shit, Kyle." It's fairly eye opening actually. And it has worked to mentally check myself. I was shocked to have clear evidence that I rehash shit in my mind all the time, and feel angry or guilty or sad or all of that over shit that is over and I've had plenty of time to work through it. As I said already, it is quite eye opening, and I feel a sense of refreshment from realizing it's just demons, just memories, and the past does not define me unless I allow it to. I am who I say I am.

OK, I have said a dozen times to myself today that I will get out for a real walk somewhere. So instead of writing this blog post any longer, I'm going to go do that.

Yeah, that sleep

OK, it's time to kick it up a notch.

Today I remembered that I used to take Valerian at bedtime and that breathe-right nose strips actually work for me. My ex swears by them, not for himself but because he says its the only time I didn't keep him awake snoring. I also bought some Extra Strength Sleepytime Tea. And I'm going to give St. John's Wort a try.

I need to finish up making my bedroom into a better sleeping-encouraging room. And I'm gonna hang up that blackout curtain so my neighbor's outside light isn't shining right through my curtains all fucking night. It doesn't even help when they turn it off because the change in the light disturbs me. And I need to re-position my fan so it isn't blowing on me, but I need the noise.

So I am adjusting my OTC meds. I don't take any scripts and don't want any, although I would take a Valium or a Xanax right about now, happily. I haven't slept any meaningful amount of time in deep sleep in so long I would for sure take something that was gonna knock me down for 10 hours. That black sleep I took for granted as a kid. Oh my kingdom for that again, without drugs.

Anyway, I am cutting back my melatonin. It really does help me sleep, but it also encourages dreaming somewhat and I don't need that so much as I need to stay asleep and not be so easily disturbed. The tiniest thing will send a spike of adrenaline through me and then I'm like, "Oh goody, another hour..." So I want to keep the lulling effect of the melatonin, but not so much on the dream state, I need to be able to get through the dream state and down into deep sleep, which is what is not happening, at all. I have been taking 20 mg melatonin, I am going to cut back to 10.

I am however adding both Valerian and St. John's Wort, so we'll see, maybe I can go back up on the melatonin down the road, it really does promote vivid dreams. But like I said, the dream state is not what I am having trouble with. I think I am going to go with the most common recommended for the St. John's: 300 mg 3x/day for 4-6 weeks then cut back to 2x as long as it works. And I've taken Valerian before, I know I can handle it at least 500 mg at bedtime. And yes I am still taking Tylenol PM pretty much very night. I got the rapid release gels this time and I don't love them, I'll go back to the regular tabs or if there is a gradual release formula I might even try that. The rapid release gels knock me out but they wear off too fast.

Anyway, I know that sounds like a lot of meds. It's really not, and they're all OTC and mostly homeopathic. And whatever. I am going to get some sleep. Like I said, I would take some (handfuls of...) prescription meds at this point, and I really really hate pharma. But it has gotten to the point that I am occasionally having a hard time distinguishing if I am asleep or awake. So really, time to kick it up a notch.

My Sleepytime Tea must be steeped by now.

New Old Rules

So there are somethings I know I need to do, that I was doing at various times with varying success. Gotta try to get back to them.

New Old Rules:

• Reading in bed, not watching TV (Netflix)
• or if I do watch TV, I have to read before I turn out the lights to sleep
• I got away from this one because during the spring and summer when my living situation was in flux, my Chromebook / Netflix was my only access to TV, so I watched it in bed every night. 
• No eating more than a snack within 90 min of bedtime
• Do my bedtime meditations
• I used to do this (excuse the pun) religiously, every night for literally decades and for some reason I've stopped. I need to start up again tonight. I know now even more why it works so well for me, and screw the people who say you shouldn't meditate to fall asleep, it works for me super well. 
• Drink a cup of herbal tea in the evening
• There really is something psychically soothing about a cup of tea, I particularly like peppermint
• Don't go to bed early
• I know that seems counter-intelligent, but I find a lot of times I go to bed super early and all that happens is I fall asleep early, wake up a couple hours later as though I had a nap and then toss and turn the rest of the night
• No more than 9-10 hours in bed
• Don't stress over problems in the evening, it can wait til morning
• Sounds weird I know, but it is more about having internal control than anything else. I might have stresses to deal with, but I get to say when.
• Start going for a walk
• Another thing I used to do religiously every day, even if it was just walk down the road and back. Gotta do it.
• At the very least, so something active every day, preferably outdoors
• Drink more water
• Take breaks at work, like actual short breaks where I get up from my desk and walk away for 5 minutes, other than going to the bathroom

That's enough rules for one day. None of them are new. I know how it feels to do all of them right all of the time. I don't know when I lost the sense of these things, but I want them back.

Call A Spade A Spade

They say never to Google your symptoms. In spite of that, we all do it, right? And I say why not? We only believe the results that confirm what we already decided was wrong anyway. Same reason you're not supposed to give yourself Tarot readings, even though we all do it. It's confirmation bias at it's best because it appears legit. (Googling your symptoms and being like, "See, I knew I had Methemoglobinemia!" -- NOTE: I have no idea what Methemoglobinemia is; I Googled "super obscure disease" and that was the one that came up that looked scary enough to make my point.)

My point here is we all want to know what's wrong when we don't feel good. And when you have a persistent, recurring kind of  "not good" that people don't see as legit you simultaneously learn to mask it / live with it, and begin obsessively seeking a "cure." I hate labels and more than that I hate what people think about me once a label is put on me. Because I grew up gay with an un-supportive family in a rural community in the 70-80s, I have always had the subconscious pressure to conform, to hide, to excuse anything that opened me to criticism. Even illness or discomforts. 

What am I talking about?

I have had a lifelong problem sleeping. When I was a kid my mother called me a "finicky" sleeper. I couldn't sleep away from home, anything would disturb my sleep, and I was and remain today a toss-and-turner, and it takes me upwards of an hour or more to fall asleep -- on a good night, when I'm tired. 

In my adult life it has gotten worse, even as I have developed skills for living with it. You do adapt to sleep deprivation, you get accustomed to being tired all the time. Also, throughout my 20s and into my 30s, I started drinking alcohol -- a lot. For a good number of years I was an every day drinker, and as my tolerance grew to epic proportions, I started drinking myself into a blackout pretty much daily. But, even for a seasoned drinker, that loses its luster after a decade or two. And, unless you literally drink yourself into a blackout alcohol fucks up your sleep patterns anyway, so it's not a long term solution. Believe me, I tried. 

It gets so bad sometimes that I can't go to work. And because I feel that calling out "because I'm tired" is not a good enough justification to miss work, I often embellish my story when I call. I have a migraine. I have diarrhea. Anything believable that won't trigger the almighty Doctor's Note. I don't want to go to the doctor. I want to go back to bed.

But what I really want is to feel better. I want to sleep at night. I want to have energy to do things, and keep plans that I make and do my dishes. I miss the old me, the Kyle who was outgoing and social and had creative ideas that he carried out, the guy who liked people and wasn't afraid to answer the phone. The Kyle who wasn't angry and withdrawn all the time.

I thought you said sleep was your problem? That sounds like depression to me.

Lo and behold. 46 years of trying and I finally Googled the right thing.

I woke up this morning, if you can call what happened "waking up," since I didn't feel like I had slept to begin with, and got out of bed and went directly to my phone and called my boss and said I was not coming in today, I don't feel good. I am lucky at this moment in my life to have a boss who will accept that simple reason. I have also struggled with supervisors over the years who put forth the attitude that you need to be missing a limb or have had a heart attack to be forgiven for missing work. And that has made me develop even deeper denial that anything other than insomnia might be wrong with me, or maybe I'm an alcoholic. Or worse, maybe I really do have some horrible disease that is underlying it all and I just need to bite the bullet and see a doctor.

Fuck that nonsense. I know what's wrong. I just don't like the answer. It's a terrible label. And people will make fun of me, or not believe me, or treat me like I have mental disorder. And wow have I had enough of that in my life, starting with the first time a family member noticed me acting too much "like a girl." I've known for a long time that if anything is wrong with me, it better be a migraine or that stomach flu that's going around. Not depression. Not bad feelings. Feelings are bad. 

Regardless, today I Googled, "My dreams are so real I don't feel rested," which is what is symptomatically wrong lately. It has been getting worse. I am now, every night, feeling like I am not sleeping. My dreams are so real -- and by that I mean so mundane and believable -- that I wake up without realizing I was even sleeping to begin with until I realize what I was just "doing" was in fact a dream.

Fucked up, I know. So, my Google rabbit hole led me to The Clinical Depression Learning Path, and I actually read it instead of dismissing it instantly because the stuff about sleep described my problem exactly. I've Googled it all. Insomnia. Alcoholism. GERD. I thought I was Autistic for a while. COPD. Every time I have heart burn I think I'm having a heart attack because I'm a fat guy over 40. Maybe it's Diabetes or my thyroid. Maybe I need a C-PAP, I do snore really bad. Maybe I need another mattress. 

Or maybe: 

Holy Shit. Maybe DEPRESSION is fucking up my sleep cycles which in turn is exacerbating every other small discomfort. And this little revelation allowed me to be open minded enough to read some more signs & symptoms of depression:

• Exhaustion on waking
• Disrupted sleep, sometimes through upsetting dreams
• Early morning waking and difficulty getting back to sleep
• Doing less of what they used to enjoy
• Difficulty concentrating during the day
• Improved energy as the day goes on
• Anxious worrying and intrusive upsetting thoughts
• Becoming emotional or upset for no particular reason
• Shortness of temper, or irritability

Really? Every. Single. One.

Then some symptoms, and this really messed with me because -- well, almost every one. I don't have suicidal thoughts, never have. And I wouldn't say that I feel overtly sad.

• You feel miserable and sad.
• You feel exhausted a lot of the time with no energy.
• You feel as if even the smallest tasks are sometimes impossible.
• You seldom enjoy the things that you used to enjoy - you may be off sex or food or may 'comfort eat' to excess.
• You feel very anxious sometimes.
• You don't want to see people or are scared to be left alone. Social activity may feel hard or impossible.
• You find it difficult to think clearly.
• You feel like a failure and/or feel guilty a lot of the time.
• You feel a burden to others.
• You sometimes feel that life isn't worth living.
• You can see no future. There is a loss of hope. You feel all you've ever done is make mistakes and that's all that you ever will do.
• You feel irritable or angry more than usual.
• You feel you have no confidence.
• You spend a lot of time thinking about what has gone wrong, what will go wrong or what is wrong about yourself as a person. You may also feel guilty sometimes about being critical of others (or even thinking critically about them).
• You feel that life is unfair.
• You have difficulty sleeping or wake up very early in the morning and can't sleep again. You seem to dream all night long and sometimes have disturbing dreams.
• You feel that life has/is 'passing you by.'
• You may have physical aches and pains which appear to have no physical cause, such as back pain.

Anyway. I guess this is something I have known all along, but I always wanted to look at it from the other direction -- that depression was a symptom of insomnia or poor health choices, not that depression was the cause of those things.

I know I have had depressive episodes, and I can see over my lifetime how those cycles look. I know what it means when I don't clean my house for a month and don't change my sheets for 6 and start drinking 3 or 4 nights a week. I know that I am going to be sorry when I start to let my bills and commitments pile up, but I do it anyway. I know there is going to be a big collapse if let things go unaddressed, and I tell myself I won't let it happen, and it happens anyway. 

Oddly enough, for someone who doesn't sleep for shit at night, one of my strongest reactions to anxiety is to sleep. After something really triggering or really stressful happens to me, be it physical or emotional, I often find myself unable to keep my eyes open. And I'll pass out within a few minutes of laying down, which I will do no matter what sometimes -- even if I have plans I an excited for, I find myself falling asleep. And I'll sleep for 20-30 min and wake up feeling way more refreshed than you would think a 20 min nap could do for you. 

I've begun to recognize this for what it is. On Sunday this past week I was feeling really exhausted all day, and had no idea why. I had slept somewhat okay for 2 nights, got to sleep in, etc. I ended up taking a 3 hour nap that was really not restful. I dreamed almost the whole time, woke up a lot, never felt like I had gone down into the deep, black sleep you really need to rest. (non-REM) But, when I woke up, I did the dishes, cleaned up the kitchen, changed the litter box and took out the trash. And when that was all over, I realized I felt better. And for some reason right in that moment it was clear as day to me that it was not one or other that was making me feel better -- the sleep or the chores, but that it was interconnected. My anxiety over how gross my house was getting was making me collapse into sleep, but I had to pull myself together enough to do the chores so the trigger would go away. Shitty, self-perpetuating cycle right there, huh? 

So, it's depression.

I feel like I can deal with that. Not "deal with it" as in find a way to live with it, but I actually feel like I can address that and maybe do something about it. 

It's ironic that I have had an episode so intense right now. I am actually in a really good place that I have worked hard to get to, and really got myself through a very shitty year. I got through my relationship falling apart last year, having to move three times, and having to make the decision to have my dog euthanized. I bought a house. I got a promotion that I worked hard for and kept my eye on the prize when I didn't get it the first (or second...) time. I am actively working on getting out of debt, with a real plan I can do, and am doing. 

And.... in spite of all of that, my sleep problems have become so bad that I finally had to admit it's not insomnia. I take enough sleep meds for 3 people and it barely touches my symptoms. And it's not like I'm so physically exhausted I can't function. I called out of work today because me mental state is so broken down I just can't even imagine having to tolerate the atmosphere at work. I would have a breakdown. I would cry or freak out on someone or end up in the bathroom shitting out everything I've eaten -- another gross symptom of whatever the fuck happens to me when I'm over-stressed: I get the shits. At home, with the blinds drawn and the cats checking in on me every few minutes I still managed to get some projects done, did the laundry and wrote this blog entry. But that also reinforces my self-doubt anxiety, "If you can do all that stuff why can't you go to work?" Which in turn makes me have to reinforce my story -- oh I had a terrible headache all day (I kinda do, but some ibuprofen is managing it...) and I just felt awful (at least that's true, and they can think whatever they want about exactly what it means, I don't elaborate, ever.)

But, here's the rub: the good patch in life is the trigger. 

I've been here before. Good job, good life situation, no big problems. But it never lasts. Something is going to fuck it up. I'm always waiting for "what next." That's the depression talking. And guess what? There is going to be a next thing. And a next thing, and probably a few next things all at once that feel like a conspiracy against me. 

The difference this time, and I don't know what made it this way other than providence, is that I've had a few next things come along lately and because I have actually made sustainable changes in my lifestyle, they didn't wreck the whole scaffolding of my life. I made it through a few problems that would have been catastrophes before, mostly intact. The good patch is starting to be more like a good garden. 

And for whatever reason, it has triggered my biggest symptom -- not sleeping - over the top. But I guess it also has a good outcome: I finally figured out what's wrong. And it turns out it's something I know I can fix. Isn't that ironic? 

So I wrote this blog post. And hopefully I'll write some more as I work out some depression issues.