Thanksgiving (back) Slide

Oops. Gained 2 lbs. I choose to spin this as a positive, as that means I have still lost 1 lb since I started weighing myself again. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Not only did Thanksgiving happen, wherein I actually ate so much that I couldn't find a comfortable position, sitting, standing or laying down for about 45 min after I packed the last mouthful into my throat with a jackhammer. (Not literally, but...... oink oink.) I also took a 4-day weekend from work, and didn't fall off the wagon, I was like, "Stop this shitty wagon, I'm getting off."

Admittedly, I semi-planned this. I knew I would do my favorite thing to do when I have a mini-vaca: go into Hobbit Mode, i.e.: stay home in my comfy clothes, eat 6 meals a day of super yummy comfort food, smoke the halfling leaf, and drink a gallon of beer or ten.

I didn't drink that much truly -- the St. John's Wort does seem to have the unexpected side effect of lessening to outright killing my taste for booze. I like this development, although I have also had a couple disappointing attempts to party like it's 1999 and ended up watching TV with an early-onset hangover, eating Ibuprofen and guzzling water.

I knew I was not going to see the same results as last week is my point. And, I am giving myself a pass. A conditional pass. The condition is: as long as I am right back on the wagon tomorrow (Monday) and I stay on the wagon all week, meaning next weekend, too, I am preemptively forgiving myself for this past week. I'm disappointed to see the number go up on the scale, but not surprised as I consciously (pretty much) gave permission for it to happen.

Here's the real issue: I need to look into finding some different self care / hide-at-home tactics. It's so ingrained in me that unsupervised free time = monkey brain stuff (i.e.: eat, drink, binge porn) that I truly don't even know what an alternative Perfect Weekend At Home Alone would look like. So there's a goal: find new things to picture when I hear the lyric, "...working for the weekend." And no one say fucking coloring. No, I'm not gonna fucking color. I hated coloring when I was a kid, and it is just fucking stupid. There, I feel better now that I said that. (And if you love coloring, great -- you do you, I'll do me.) But really, I gotta come up with some other things I find awesomely soul-feeding and immersive all weekend fun time.

So, today is my last day of the 4-day mini-vaca. I have another one in December. (Xmas is a Tue so I am taking Mon & Tue off that week.) While I cram myself full of fried food with one hand and spank it with the other one while I guzzle down whiskey (not really, at least not whiskey, not on a work night...) I will also contemplate other things that I might enjoy doing instead. Maybe I'll develop an obsessive fascination with fitness. Or stabbing my eyeballs with needles.

Anyway. You already know about me that I have to mock myself to be forthcoming about my true self sometimes. And that is just fine. I'm going to formulate a trial game plan for my December 4-day weekend that involves healthier pursuits. And jerking off, it's the most exercise I've gotten all weekend.

Lettuce for the win...

Well, good news I lost 3 lbs.

Also noted that pretty much the minute I started eating a salad every day and trying to get 50% or more of my calories from vegetable two things happened:

1. I have not even thought of eating a Tums, let alone the 3-5 a day I was taking before.
2. I have been sleeping much better.

I attribute this entirely to my diet. It is the only change I made last week. Who knew? Lettuce is a sleep med.

I was pretty sure I was going to like what I saw when I got on the scale. I noted about mid-week doing up my pants in the bathroom at work that I didn't have to cinch my belt tight to get to the first hole on my belt (I was down to the 4th hole....) It has been getting to the point I was considering buying a bigger belt. So I was very pleased when I yanked on my belt to get it to go to the 1st hole and it went past there. That's a win, I'll take it.

I did fall off the wagon a little on Friday. I ate a whole Walmart pepperoni pizza, which is 56 points on WW. (More than a whole day's points...) and I drank quite a bit of beer, like..... almost a 12 pack. However, that was the only time I drank all week, and I did it consciously -- I knew I was going to, I planned it, including my own little dance party, and I enjoyed it. (Rather than suffering both a hangover and crushing guilt the next day, I was like, "Hm. Yeah, I'm a little shitty this morning, but that was fun.")

I'm 10 days out from the 6-week mark on the St. John's Wort and I can definitely tell I am starting to level out. I'm not having the side effects that much any more, although taking it on an empty stomach is still pretty ugly afterward in terms of yucky stomach feeling. Once I hit the 6-week mark I am going to probably start taking 450 mg 2x/day instead of 300 3x. I find taking a pill mid-day is inconvenient and I have to carry a sketchy looking ziplock bag in my pocket with an unmarked pill in it -- I work in a healthcare facility, that is just not good. 

I have also increased my Valerian to 1500 mg (from 1000) at bedtime, and it is working much better. I don't really like Sleepytime Tea, and it wasn't doing that much for me. I'd rather drink a cup of tea whose taste I actually enjoy for the relaxation / psychic benefits, and also, I like a cup of tea in the late afternoon (tea time...) rather than at bedtime. I like the idea of drinking tea to help me relax and refocus my attention on my well-being. It's just that the Sleepytime was not effective as a treatment for me. And the taste is merely tolerable, not that enjoyable.

I started using an activity tracker last week and saw the actual hard data that I am not getting enough physical activity by about half or more. Gotta raise the bar on that. More activity will be this week's #1 point to work on.

Overall, I am happy with the direction things are going. My weight is going down and the quality of my sleep and my moods is going up. I got this.

OMG I'm so fat

OK, so this happened on FB which makes it real.

I'm not just being dramatic, either. I'm so fat that my office chair wheels don't roll when I scoot the chair, they just drag because they're flattened to the floor. And I went for a 2 mile walk yesterday and today my "bad hip" is "acting up" for the first time in months. The last time was when I climbed Acadia Mountain, which is a hard trail. So strolling down the street with my headphones on and my hip is sore like after I climbed a mountain just a few months ago. Also while I was on that walk, my knee on my "good side" gave that little warning twinge. I'm getting too fat for my skeleton to carry me.

Yes, I am making mockery of it a little. It's part of how I deal with stuff. I'm sarcastic, even toward myself. And also, seriously those things all happened.

Here's the good parts though:

I did go for a walk.

And today I made sure to walk a whole mile outdoors, which is four times around the building, done in 2 laps before and 2 laps after lunch. My office walking buddy went with me.

And I renewed my membership to WW, the re-branded Weight Watchers. It worked really well for me before -- it is what I was doing back in '11-'12 when I got really skinny for a while. I re-remembered that the Points system activates my competitiveness. It's nice to see they let you have carry-over points, that is a new part of the program. It's Scientology for fat people, but it works.

I dug out my exercise clothes. No one wants to see that, not even me, so don't ask. But I did YouTube some yoga videos and used my free weights for like 5 minutes. I picture how I plan to look in them, and do not look in the mirror while I do yoga.

So, I'm feeling pretty enthusiastic about stuff. I do know how to eat clean and get my exercise. I know I can do it. I've done it before, and that was mostly by accident, like the first 40 lbs anyway. So on purpose, I'm sure I can do it.

I have re-resolved my vow to put my silverware down between bites. I've actually been doing that one at home for a couple weeks, and I'll start it at work, too. People already think I'm weird.

This guy is still in there somewhere:

I'm printing these out and putting them on the fridge and in the bathroom and by my desk. In addition to being that vain for real, they are going to motivate me. You know what's fucked up -- I thought I was fat in these pics. (In 2012 and 2011.)(I was 40.)

St. John's Wort surprisingly effective

I guess I'm having some side effects from the St. John's Wort, but they are minor. Dry mouth is the most annoying of them. Although I do experience some mild upset stomach from them as well, but that is manageable with food and water. I try to take them on top of food, not under it.

Regardless of the side effects, the effects are really stunning to me. I attribute these effects to St. John's because it is the only thing I am doing that I have never done before, and I have never had any of these effects before:

• Almost totally lost interest in alcohol: now this one is just amazing to me. I used to be an every day drinker, and in the last few years I was still drinking (i.e.: getting drunk) 3-4 nights a week. I didn't realize that I was using alcohol as a medication. The only thing I can attribute it to is that because I am feeling better, and sleeping better, and being more able to manage my moods, I'm not counting the hours until I can get home to my bottle. Additionally, even when I do drink, I end up drinking one or two and actually feel grossed out by it, and I end up chugging down water and a couple Advil to make sure I don't suffer from it. This past Fri night, I did end up drinking quite a lot, got nice and drunk and ..... omg, Saturday I felt like I had literally poisoned myself. 

• The house is clean: Ok, so I didn't realize how much of a trigger dirty dishes were for me. So it goes like this: dishes start to pile up; the more they accumulate the less I am able to deal with them; it gets to the point where I am washing things as I need them, leaving the rest to rot in the sink; eventually I wash them all and put them away, but it has to reach catastrophe level first. So..... since I started the St. John's I have been washing my dishes pretty much every day. And I feel a sense like an actual weight was lifted off me. Is that weird? Why the hell couldn't I make that connection in my head before? That dirty dishes piling up were triggering depressive episodes? And, even better: with the dishes being clean, I also have been keeping the house in general more picked up. 

• I'm not paralyzed by decision making: I can make choices and act on them, another thing I didn't really see as that much of a problem. But it really was (an still is in some ways) a big problem. It was affecting me at every level of my life, down to the annoying shit where I will scroll through Netflix for so long that I use up my TV time trying to CHOOSE a show. Also, i have been feeling relief from this pressure I always feel like every single decision has to lead to the most perfect, most exactly right, excellent choice that will leave me feeling completely fulfilled and every experience has to be the pinnacle of perfection. Again, I'll use TV as the example: like I have to pick the exact perfect show to watch -- like I can't turn off a show if it isn't what I am in the mood for, or I shouldn't re-watch things I've seen before, even if that is the thing I keep coming back to over and over -- duh, watch it. I don't mean my whole problem is about TV, it's a metaphor for everything. 
  

• I'm losing my obsessive focus on the future: Yes, I can buy just enough of something to get to my next payday. And if I de-prioritize something today, I can pick it up again in 3 days or 3 weeks. I can work on things incrementally, I don't have to have instant results (which is how I never do anything.) I can put $50 in my savings account -- just because it's not $500... well, it will never be that much if I never put any in. Also, if I put that $50 in my savings, it's still my money, it's not like I've lost access to it. And if I try out something new, that's all it is -- something new. If I don't like it, I can stop and it's not a failure. It was a try. 

• I am feeling more outgoing and open: I have been feeling more like I can be up front with my feelings and opinions on things. I know that sounds weird coming from someone who seems to forthright on the Internet. But in person, out loud with my voice, I often feel like I have to protect myself, keep my opinions to myself, even to the point of participating in things I don't want to, or letting someone else's opinions supersede mine when there is no real need for that. I also have been feeling more friendly toward people, my coworkers specifically. All I do is work and go home, so if I want any friends, I need to make some friends at work. I've worked there 2 years and I have only done something away from work with 2 people 2 times. There are people there I like, as in would be friends with outside of work, and although I have to be somewhat mindful of that -- because I am a member of sr. management -- I know I am capable of keeping that balance. First of all, I only like people who are capable of understanding that. And, it's not like I want to party and go throw myself into situations that are going to look bad on Monday at morning meeting. I just need some friends, and I have come to the realization that probably most people derive their in-practice social circle from their coworkers, and that is ok for me too. 

Well, I guess that's the update. I am still about 2 weeks out from the 6-week mark where I should start to level out on the supplement. But I am feeling really good about it, and i have noticed that I am starting to level out a little, it terms of getting used to the side effects. And the benefits are starting to seem like actual changes in my patterns more than just a med working on me. It's good.

St. John's Wort & some random chatter

So I have started taking St. John's Wort in capsule form, 300 mg 3x/day. It can take up to 4-6 weeks to reach full effect, so I want to document that I started taking it Tuesday, Oct 16th, 2018. So, six weeks will be 11/27/18.

So far, I feel like it is working. Of course it has only been 4 days, and I have also restarted Valerian 500 mg a bedtime, as well as Sleepytime Tea Extra that has Valerian root in it along with what I was already taking: 10 mg melatonin (down from 20 or even 30 sometimes) and 1000 mg Tylenol PM.

I have also re-started using Breathe-Right nose strips that really do help me, I forgot how much. Additionally, I did make the adjustments to my environment (blackout curtain, white noise, no TV) and I have been sticking to my no eating before bed (except a snack, an actual snack, not a meal I call a snack...) And, I have been walking around the outside of the building usually twice day at work, so that is about 1/2 mile a day.

My results this week have been good. I feel encouraged. I have slept real sleep every night since I made these changes. What I am finding is I am feeling really tired by the end of the day every day, which is good for two main reasons: 1) it means I am starting to recover / sleep off some of my "banked" fatigue -- the exhaustion / stress combo we naturally shunt off for later that builds up over time in what I call bubbles or boxes; and 2) ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh....... I fucking love sleeping.

I have felt fairly good most of the week since I started being able to sleep again. I did feel a little short tempered when stressed, like more than usual or at least more than I normally allow to show. I did notice that my irritation with other drivers was a lot more mellow this week. That is something I work on all the time. I strive to be more Zen in the car, and it works better some days than others.

I have also been mindful of "excessive rumination" which I would have said is not something I do, if you had just asked me cold about it. But having read about it in several trustworthy places, I catch myself several times a day saying, "quit dwelling on shit, Kyle." It's fairly eye opening actually. And it has worked to mentally check myself. I was shocked to have clear evidence that I rehash shit in my mind all the time, and feel angry or guilty or sad or all of that over shit that is over and I've had plenty of time to work through it. As I said already, it is quite eye opening, and I feel a sense of refreshment from realizing it's just demons, just memories, and the past does not define me unless I allow it to. I am who I say I am.

OK, I have said a dozen times to myself today that I will get out for a real walk somewhere. So instead of writing this blog post any longer, I'm going to go do that.

Yeah, that sleep

OK, it's time to kick it up a notch.

Today I remembered that I used to take Valerian at bedtime and that breathe-right nose strips actually work for me. My ex swears by them, not for himself but because he says its the only time I didn't keep him awake snoring. I also bought some Extra Strength Sleepytime Tea. And I'm going to give St. John's Wort a try.

I need to finish up making my bedroom into a better sleeping-encouraging room. And I'm gonna hang up that blackout curtain so my neighbor's outside light isn't shining right through my curtains all fucking night. It doesn't even help when they turn it off because the change in the light disturbs me. And I need to re-position my fan so it isn't blowing on me, but I need the noise.

So I am adjusting my OTC meds. I don't take any scripts and don't want any, although I would take a Valium or a Xanax right about now, happily. I haven't slept any meaningful amount of time in deep sleep in so long I would for sure take something that was gonna knock me down for 10 hours. That black sleep I took for granted as a kid. Oh my kingdom for that again, without drugs.

Anyway, I am cutting back my melatonin. It really does help me sleep, but it also encourages dreaming somewhat and I don't need that so much as I need to stay asleep and not be so easily disturbed. The tiniest thing will send a spike of adrenaline through me and then I'm like, "Oh goody, another hour..." So I want to keep the lulling effect of the melatonin, but not so much on the dream state, I need to be able to get through the dream state and down into deep sleep, which is what is not happening, at all. I have been taking 20 mg melatonin, I am going to cut back to 10.

I am however adding both Valerian and St. John's Wort, so we'll see, maybe I can go back up on the melatonin down the road, it really does promote vivid dreams. But like I said, the dream state is not what I am having trouble with. I think I am going to go with the most common recommended for the St. John's: 300 mg 3x/day for 4-6 weeks then cut back to 2x as long as it works. And I've taken Valerian before, I know I can handle it at least 500 mg at bedtime. And yes I am still taking Tylenol PM pretty much very night. I got the rapid release gels this time and I don't love them, I'll go back to the regular tabs or if there is a gradual release formula I might even try that. The rapid release gels knock me out but they wear off too fast.

Anyway, I know that sounds like a lot of meds. It's really not, and they're all OTC and mostly homeopathic. And whatever. I am going to get some sleep. Like I said, I would take some (handfuls of...) prescription meds at this point, and I really really hate pharma. But it has gotten to the point that I am occasionally having a hard time distinguishing if I am asleep or awake. So really, time to kick it up a notch.

My Sleepytime Tea must be steeped by now.

New Old Rules

So there are somethings I know I need to do, that I was doing at various times with varying success. Gotta try to get back to them.

New Old Rules:

• Reading in bed, not watching TV (Netflix)
• or if I do watch TV, I have to read before I turn out the lights to sleep
• I got away from this one because during the spring and summer when my living situation was in flux, my Chromebook / Netflix was my only access to TV, so I watched it in bed every night. 
• No eating more than a snack within 90 min of bedtime
• Do my bedtime meditations
• I used to do this (excuse the pun) religiously, every night for literally decades and for some reason I've stopped. I need to start up again tonight. I know now even more why it works so well for me, and screw the people who say you shouldn't meditate to fall asleep, it works for me super well. 
• Drink a cup of herbal tea in the evening
• There really is something psychically soothing about a cup of tea, I particularly like peppermint
• Don't go to bed early
• I know that seems counter-intelligent, but I find a lot of times I go to bed super early and all that happens is I fall asleep early, wake up a couple hours later as though I had a nap and then toss and turn the rest of the night
• No more than 9-10 hours in bed
• Don't stress over problems in the evening, it can wait til morning
• Sounds weird I know, but it is more about having internal control than anything else. I might have stresses to deal with, but I get to say when.
• Start going for a walk
• Another thing I used to do religiously every day, even if it was just walk down the road and back. Gotta do it.
• At the very least, so something active every day, preferably outdoors
• Drink more water
• Take breaks at work, like actual short breaks where I get up from my desk and walk away for 5 minutes, other than going to the bathroom

That's enough rules for one day. None of them are new. I know how it feels to do all of them right all of the time. I don't know when I lost the sense of these things, but I want them back.