💪✨👽Time to make some adjustments - new rules ✔⚡🌈

241. Lost 1 lb this week, making 56 lbs lost overall.

The last couple weeks has been interesting. I have been feeling crappy and only went to the gym 3 times two weeks ago and only 2 days this past week. But, in spite of that, I have still managed to stay on my nutritional and weight goals for the most part. A little disappointing to only see 1 lb lost. But that is not a setback. I have to keep reminding myself that progress is still progress. 

Part of why I was feeling so shitty though was that I think I hit a limit in terms of my exercise regimen. I was pushing myself too hard and I crashed a little bit. I have had to admit that what I was doing was not sustainable in the long term. I kept raising the bar all the time. Instead of just letting something be a hard push, I allowed it to be the new benchmark and it ultimately did not work.

The interesting part is that I continued to have success and see results even when I fell off the wagon for a little bit. I also have to forgive myself -- I didn't just quit, I was not feeling well and I had to take some time to rest, like completely rest. And, I managed to do that without wrecking my plan or backtracking in terms of my weight. I did gain a little bit but I dropped it all again, and still hit a new lowest weight. 

At any rate, it's time to reevaluate my rules. 

RULE 1: THE GYM

I never officially made a rule about going to the gym 5x/wk, and I am going to reiterate to myself that the actual RULE is: 3x/wk and if I only go 3 times, I am hitting the mark 100%. I will continue to aim for 5x/wk, but that is bonus points, not the goal post. 

I also need to start getting to the gym earlier. Just a few minutes, so I'm not so crushed for time trying to get to work. I find I need overall about an hour and 15 min on weight lifting days, and just under an hour on cardio-only days. So on M-W-F, I really should be getting to the gym by 6. So....... *drags feet*........ I really should be out of bed by 5 on those mornings. I know it's only a few minutes difference and it's not like I actually get any meaningful rest in those 10 minutes. Gotta commit to this again. 

RULE 2: THE HOME TREADMILL

I want to adjust my home treadmill schedule a little. I find the 45-60 min sessions in the evening are a huge drain on my personal time. I feel resentful towards that time drain, but also still compelled to do it for my health. I think I am going to dial it back to 30 minutes, which is a much neater package in terms of fitting it in without it becoming the main event. But in exchange for the lower time commitment, I am going to raise the bar to 6x/wk. Probably Friday will be the off-night, as that is also during my weekly 24-hour fast (noon Fri - noon Sat.) 

RULE 3: MY DIET IS GETTING BORING

I am really pleased with my dietary fitness for the most part. I can say confidently that my nutritional profile is about 80-90% whole foods only, and 50% of my calories or more come from fruits & vegetables. The only processed food I eat in any quantity is dairy -- mostly Greek yogurt and cottage cheese, and feta or bleu cheese crumbles. I still occasionally eat a little bit of white pasta, it's a go-to comfort food that I will probably never give up. And I will still eat an English muffin once in a while, and if I have some bread or something once in a while I don't beat myself up over it. Oh yeah, and granola -- but I buy the Kashi Go Lean Flax blend organic granola, so minimal processing and made with whole ingredients. And I don't eat much of it; a 14 oz. box lasts me 2 weeks. I take it to work with my fruit & yogurt for breakfast about every other day and I eat it by the handful out of the box when I need a snack. 

However, my diet is getting a little boring. I need to change up some of my recipes. I also need to think a little about two things: a) changing the taste profile on my standard meals, and b) increasing the variety of what I eat. I had to just go nose-to-the-grindstone at first, eat the same thing every day, track every calorie, every macro, really get it ironed in. But now, I can see my way a lot more clearly, and since I have totally reset my nutritional profile, healthy eating and positive choices come easy to me. I can experiment a little. 

Which brings me to another topic.... Weight Watchers.

I really love WW. It was what made all of this possible. Without WW, I would never have been able to start losing weight which was what facilitated everything else. Their system is really good, and it is especially good if you don't have any fucking clue what to do or where to start. If you work their system and follow the rules, it works -- and, it works by helping you facilitate a lifestyle change, not just by being a "diet." WW is not a diet. 

That said, I am thinking about quitting WW. For some time now, my go-to tracking app has been MyFitnessPal. And I don't go to WW meetings, nor do I participate in any of the social networking or online content, I don't even read the articles in the app. I just use the app. And for that, I am paying $20/mo. It was worth it for me at the beginning when I needed my hand held. But now, I really don't feel like I need it any more. I've been thinking about this for a couple months now. And, as I have been steadily transitioning my tracking to MyFitnessPal, I find I am only going to the WW app as a cursory thing, like "Oh yeah, go track my WW stuff." Like, I use it because I'm paying for it, not the other way around. 

I think I just talked myself into it. I do worry that I will have some kind of backslide if I leave WW. But, I also know that is not true. And I could join again if I all of a sudden started falling behind my goals. It's not "quitting." It's adapting, and getting $20 back in the budget. I am very grateful to WW for being the catalyst for my weight loss and fitness goals. It is not about WW. Is that weird that I feel loyalty to WW like it is a person? Like I have to apologize for leaving. LOL 

Halfway Mark - Big Landmark!

Weighed in at 242, so 55 lbs. lost overall, which also marks the halfway point, 50% of my weigh loss goal. So we're in the 2nd half now. I'm starting to notice it when I look in the mirror. A lot of my old clothes fit me again, some are too big. I am down to a 36 waist, and clothes I was going to donate because I had given up on the hope of them fitting me again, are back on the hangers.

A funny note about underwear: so, anyone who knows me, knows that one of my Basic Gay Traits is that I love love love cute underwear. And, since I have lost over 50 lbs., a lot of my really cute underwear not only fits again, but looks good again. The funny part is coming, I promise, here it is: since my underwear collection has re-entered my wardrobe there is a a new category -- Underwear I Can't Wear To The Gym. LOL. Enough said.

Two weeks ago I was sick a couple days and I only went to the gym 3 days, so last week it was a little rough getting back on track. I actually didn't go to the gym last Monday, so this week will be the first back-to-full. I did lose 5 lbs, and hit the halfway mark. Also did my measurements. I've lost 1 1/2 inches off my chest and 2 inches off my belly and 4 inches off my waist. I'm starting to be able to see actual muscles in my chest and arms. I'm looking good and feeling better. I've also started to get the sense that it is really a marathon, not a sprint. I was worried about my weight loss dropping off after having a half-week off and then kinda dialing it back last week and instead, I had one of the best results I've seen in a while. My average weight loss is holding steady at 2.5 lbs. / wk. If I really maintain that, I could hit my goal weight by the end of September, like 2 months + ahead of schedule.

Wow!! My old clothes fit me again! 20% of my starting weight lost! 💪💪✨🌈✔✔✔

So I realized I should probably be celebrating 50+ lbs. lost a little more. I am just about at the halfway mark toward my goal, which puts me about 30 days ahead of schedule. Weighed in this week at 244, meaning 2 lbs lost last week and 53 lbs lost overall. The biggest change I have noticed is in my face, which I am really happy about.

I also tried on a bunch of my clothes that I have been too fat for, some of them for like 4-5 years since they fit me. All of my size 38 waist pants fit me again. And my XL shirts all fit again. Here's a  few of my fav shirts that fit me again, it's so awesome. I remember more than once thinking I should just get rid of them because I thought I would never be able to get into them again, and here I am wearing them:

Those were my top 3 go-to shirts. I am so happy they are fitting me again. I gotta iron them all. They've been languishing in my closet for a the better part of a decade.

This is the first time I have really noticed a difference in my appearance since starting this lifestyle change I am working on. I was feeling a little down, in spite of the scale telling me a different story. And then the other day I posted a selfie on FB and a ton of people commented on how they could see the change in my face, and I was honestly floored by it myself. Here it is:

And I think I look even better today, in the comparison pic above.

I've lost 53 lbs, which is aaaaaalllllmost 20% of my starting weight. I also have noticed that my body shape is really starting to change. I'm not ready to share any of the body pics. But I am starting to have noticeable pecs, my man boobs are going away, and my waist is shrinking -- I have tightened my belt down 3 notches in 5 months. My legs are starting to get really defined and I am getting stronger, lifting heavier and in better form all the time, and my cardio is way up, average 80 minutes a day and I have to get up to at least 3.5 - 4 mph before my heart rate hits 120. I've been going to the gym 5x a week for a consistent 2 months now, and I feel like I am starting to settle into a sustainable routine, and the results are right there on camera. I am overjoyed. 53 lbs lost, 59 to go. That's a hell of a lot better than 112 to go back in November. I also feel like I can do it, and I am enjoying being healthier, I look forward to going to the gym at 5am. I never thought I would be "one o those people who goes to the gym before dawn." Turns out I love going to the gym before work.

Sunday Walk Report, a.k.a. rest day rebound from hell

Probably should have ate some breakfast before I went for my Sunday walk, but it is such a gorgeous, sunny day, I couldn't wait. I also should have brought some water. I hit the first couple hills pretty hard and felt a little weak and wobbly most of the rest of the way. I kept thinking, ok that endorphin rush is gonna kick in, and it did, but it was not very prolonged. I ended up taking a handful of short breaks, when I usually only take one, and I'm sure a couple cars that passed me wondered if I was drunk, lol. My knee gave a few "warning twinges," as I call them, so I also walked much slower than usual just to take extra care not to hurt myself. I was not expecting to flag so soon. My rest day yesterday was more like a crash day. I did put in a hard push last week, on a strict calorie deficit.

I officially declare the remainder of today to be back to rest mode.

I'm gonna do some minimal chores and sit my ass down. Probably face down into a GoT binge. I'm almost done with Season 3. Only 3 weeks until the Season 8 premier. I would normally put in another 45 min or so on my treadmill, but I am not gonna do that tonight I don't think.

OK, must end on a positive note. (Also note, learning from a bad experience is not negative...) I did see green grass, saw and heard running water all along the route, and most of the Penobscot River is open water with cool looking icebergs.

My Mindful

Eat mindfully.

Truthfully, I long believed this was total bullshit. "I've always been a fast eater, I always will be," was my mantra. I told myself that lie so many times I actually believed it. So, lately I have been trying to eat "mindfully" and it really does help me feel more satisfied with my meals, and to eat less overall.

Here is a true, science-based fact: it takes at least 15 minutes, sometimes as much as 30 minutes, for you to feel how full your stomach is from the last bite you eat.

Eating slower, and stopping eating for short periods during the meal help you to enjoy your food more and help you feel full from your meals. This is something I still have to consciously work on, but it does work if you work at it. Here's how I do it:

The very first rule I ever tried out was putting my fork down between bites. I have the rule that once I start to chew, the fork goes on the plate, completely out of my hand. I am still working on this goal. I am pretty good at it when I am at home, but I am still missing the mark at work. Oddly enough, I eat with other people at work, you'd think it would be the other way around, but it's not.

The second rule I tried on was having a sip of water between bites. I don't use it as a hard and fast rule right now, but I might make it one soon.

Once these things started producing results for me, I started listening to the ambient advice out there about "eating mindfully." One of the things I did believe all along was that you should make meals an important event. The idea behind eating mindfully is that you should focus on the meal and it's importance to you, and make meal time an event that has meaning -- not just sit in front of the TV and shovel down a bowl full of garbage.

I'm gonna put this right out there, and I don't give one fuck who thinks it's wrong, it is right for me: I watch TV while I eat dinner.

But, I do have some rules. First of all, I don't have broadcast TV, I have Hulu, Netflix, and Internet sources like YouTube and others, including Curiosity Stream which is an educational / documentary streaming service. I watch TV when I work out at home, too (I watch TV at the gym too...) but I have a rule for that as well: I only watch educational TV while I work out, no fiction or news. So my eating rule about TV is this: I only watch for-pleasure programming while I eat, so the opposite of the workout rule. BUT, no news. Part of My Mindful is that I create my own insular world where I am free and comfortable, which means no news, no perpetual outrage cycle creeping into my subconscious.

I also set up my environment for meal time. I light candles and put on incense and have a show queued up to start when I sit down to the meal. I make sure my chores for the day are done so that meal time is the runway into the rest of my evening. I also make sure to drink a big glass of water at least 15 minutes before I eat. And I normally smoke a nice fat bowl -- note, smoking weed does not give me the munchies, but it definitely enhances my enjoyment of food, and helps me relax and get into the "mindful mood."

I know to a person who does not have a fucked up relationship with food, it should go without saying that you also need to chew your food. But for me, chewing my food is important. Part of how I can be such a fast eater is that I only chew my food a couple times before I swallow it. That is also a function of binge eating -- the only way you can consume huge amounts of food is quickly. I've had a 10,000 calorie binge before. You don't cram that much food down your throat by chewing it too long. So part of My Mindful is that I focus on chewing, as well as tasting the food while I am chewing it.

So, set the scene. Make sure you're hydrated. Put the fork down between bites, chew the food completely before swallowing it, and drink water between bites. And watch something on TV that is for pleasure only.

The whole nitty gritty of my diet, what exactly I eat

I've been wanting to write a post for a while that describes my diet plan in detail. I have said a lot that I made a complete change in my dietary regimen, but I rarely discuss what I actually eat, or what my practical rules are. So here goes:

First of all, I am doing Weight Watchers (which has re-branded itself, "WW.") I really like WW, and I think they are one of the only weight loss plans that is science-based and maintainable. I find that their "PointsPlus" system works really well for me. It keeps me accountable without obsessing over calories, and teaches healthy eating habits by rewarding positive behaviors. Rather than restriction, WW is focused on creating a diet and activity routine that works for individuals, and makes you feel good and want to do the right thing. It is oriented toward individual plans, flexibility and results.

I do also use MyFitnessPal because I want to track my macros, which is one thing that WW does not let you track. And, I have found by comparing my WW data with MyFitnessPal data that the WW system is legit -- I see comparable data between them, although WW is a little more forgiving toward some foods in terms of how many calories they really have. I also find that MyFitnessPal is a better tracker for my cardio and weight lifting, and it is so easy to use that it doesn't bother me to be tracking everything twice.

In spite of my glowing review of WW, I am actually considering cancelling my membership. I have re-set my nutritional profile. I am eating under my WW points every day, and I have learned what I can and can't do in terms of food and stay on my health goals. WW costs me $20 / mo which is not terrible, but I could use the extra money -- who couldn't? That's a tank of gas (well, like 2/3...) or a self-treat, or savings. I am smashing my goals, and I have learned the why and how behind all of it, I'm not so dependent on WW to give me direction any more. I am not decided on it either way, and I have to stay until May to be able to cancel without paying a fee, so a couple more months anyway.

OK -- the food, Kyle. What the fuck do you eat?

As I often point out: Saturday is my "Zero Day," meaning I eat whatever I want on Saturday. The rest of the week, I have the following rules:

• Eat a salad for lunch
• 50%+ of my calories from vegetables, all the time
• Eat a lean protein with every meal
• One 24-hour fast every week (usually Fri into Sat.)
• Drink a minimum of 64 oz. of water a day, a full 8 oz. at least 15 minutes before every meal

So, my daily breakfast:

• Mon - Fri I usually eat about 1 cup of fresh fruit with approx. 2 tbls of Greek yogurt and about 1/8 of a cup (yes that little) (yes, I measure it) of Kashi Go Lean Granola.
• On Saturday I usually don't eat breakfast
• On Sunday I usually make myself a 2-egg omelet with whatever vegetables I feel like that day, about 1 oz of feta cheese, 2 oven-baked hash-brown patties, 1 English muffin and sometimes (about every other week) 3 slices of oven-baked turkey bacon.

My daily lunch:

• Six days a week I make a large salad consisting of ~ (approximate amounts)
• 2 cups shredded iceberg lettuce, 2 cups mixed spinach, baby kale and chard greens, 1 cup dry coleslaw mix
• 1/2 cup diced onion, mixed bell peppers, garlic and jalapeno and / or cubanelle peppers
• 1/4 cup sliced salad olives
• 1 dill pickle spear
• either roasted red peppers or banana peppers
• a handful each of medium black olives and garbanzo beans
• 6 oz. of either deli turkey or imitation crab meat or grilled chicken breast
• 1 large hard boiled egg
• a healthy sprinkle of mixed hemp, chia and flax seed (I am switching to ground)
• a palmful of mixed nuts (usually peanuts, sunflower seeds, walnuts, pecans, almonds, pumpkin seeds, and cashews -- whatever I grab at the dollar store, it's WAY cheaper to make my own mixed nut blend than to buy it that way...)
• sometimes a sprinkle of bacon bits, literally a sprinkle just for the taste boost
• I make my own salad dressing every day in a little tiny container, normally with like a half tsp of oil, hot sauce, dry spices, lime or lemon juice, apple cider vinegar and spicy mustard and / or balsamic vinegar. Sometimes I switch it up to pesto, and once in a while I do a peanut-butter based quasi-Asian style dressing. Like 50 calories at most, usually less than 10.
• On Saturdays I usually don't eat lunch. If I do, it is a salad.

My daily dinners:

• Six days a week, I am boring as fuck and I eat basically the same thing every day:
• Either a chicken breast or a lean pork chop
• A huge fucking pile of vegetables, here are the ones I prefer (not all of these every meal:)
• Brussels Sprouts (I eat them like every other day, or more)
• Summer Squash & Zucchini
• Asparagus (I buy a big bunch every 2 weeks when I go grocery shopping)
• Mixed bell peppers
• Onion (I eat at least 1 whole onion a day between my lunch and dinner, usually more)
• Garlic (I eat a shitload of garlic)
• Broccoli & Califlour
• Red potato (I love potatoes and it is a BS lie that you can't eat them and lose weight.)
• Ginger (I eat a LOT of ginger)
• jalapeno
• I use whatever dry spices I like any given day, salt & pepper to taste, toss it all together, wrap it in foil and let it cook in my toaster oven on 420 for an hour, uncovered and on broil the last 15 min. Sometimes the potatoes take a little longer to get to the softness that I like if I didn't pre-heat the oven first. 
• On Saturday I sometimes eat the above. But, I also allow myself to have "indulgence meals" on Saturday if I want them. I often have Buffalo chicken tenders and oven-baked french fries. Last week I had sushi. I sometimes have take-out Thai. Whatever. 

My snacks:

• First of all, if I eat something like 1 piece of candy, or drive-by graze a couple chips at work, or something like that, I don't track it and I don't consider it a "snack."
• On Thursdays at work it is "Popcorn Day" and I always eat a bag of popcorn with some shitty super-sodium-artificial-garbage-food flavoring -- I like the "chile lime" mixed with "garlic parm." It's the grossest thing in my diet, totally does not qualify as "eating clean," and I don't give one fuck. It's yummy and it is a highlight of my week. 
• At home in the evening I usually have a couple spoonfuls of fat-free cottage cheese
• When I am prepping my meals for the next day, I also usually have a spoonful of Greek yogurt and a handful of nuts (huhuhu I like nuts in my mouth...) and sometimes a dill pickle spear.
• If I feel actually hungry later in the evening, about once a week I have some saltine crackers with peanut butter.
• A few nights a week I make myself a snack platter with some olives, pickles, and a sliced apple
• Also a couple nights a week, I will eat 2 small frozen (cooked of course) bean & cheese burritos with my home made pico de gallo.

"Forbidden Foods"

I do not have any forbidden foods. If I want something, I have it. I do have some rules about certain types of foods though.

• I no longer eat sandwich bread. If I do eat anything like a sandwich, it is in a wrap. I do still eat English muffins once in a while. And I have eaten at Subway a couple times which was a whole wheat sub roll. So really, I don't make or buy bread any more, but it is not totally out of my diet.
• I have not eaten pizza at home, period. And I have only eaten 2 pieces of pizza -- at a party at work -- since I started losing weight in November 2018. Frozen pizzas were a huge problem for me, I was eating an average of 2 a week by myself. They are a binge food for me. I cannot control my eating if I have one in the house -- I will eat the entire pizza in one sitting, and then have another meal afterward. I cannot yet trust myself with pizza. This is the closest thing to a "forbidden" food for me.
• I've stopped eating chips and things like trail mix. Those are also binge foods for me. I only allow myself to buy saltine crackers, and even with those I have to use a lot of self control. 
• I also use the following rule to check in with myself before I eat a snack or an unplanned meal: drink a whole glass of water and wait at least 15 minutes. If you're still hungry after that, eat something, but start with some pea pods or carrots and see what happens from there.

I didn't mention coffee. I drink coffee with non-dairy creamer and Stevia extract. I drink as much coffee as I want, and I do not track it. I don't care. I tend to drink about 3 cups of coffee a day, although sometimes I have a cup of coffee after lunch at work. If I have any coffee after 2 pm or so, I have decaf. I love coffee and no one will ever convince me to stop. There is plenty of supporting data for the positive benefits of coffee, and the amount of additives I put in it are negligible in terms of diet.

So that's that. My whole diet. It's not that impressive. But, it is a vegetable-based whole food diet that is very low carb, high protein, fat-adapted. I am not specifically eating the Paleo diet, but it is pretty close. I have also read the book, "It Starts With Food," which is the Whole30 diet, and again, I am not doing the Whole30, but close. I don't totally agree with any diet plan that is out there, but the two I mention here are ones that I think are science-based and do not have any long term health risks.

Smashed It - boom!

I said I was gonna lean in, and I did. Weighed in at 249, meaning I lost 7 lbs this week and 48 lbs overall.

Also lost an inch around my chest and oddly enough half an inch off my calf which I didn't think was fat -- LOL. I've seen a marked increase in the definition of my legs overall, so I'm pleased to see that result. Also oddly, my neck seems to have gotten half an inch thicker, but maybe when I took my measurements 2 weeks ago I measured wrong? My neck has been 18 inches for years, even when I was down to 185 lbs in 2012, it was 17. I also lost half an inch off my waist which I was expecting; I have had to tighten my belt down another notch and I will have to do another one pretty soon -- that will make it down to the 4th hole, when I was squeezing myself into the last one when I started and was thinking that I might have to make a new one, or get a bigger belt.

Made a few adjustments to my routine this week:

• I have decided that "Leg Day," which is Tues & Thu will be cardio-focused on the treadmill using high inclines at fast pace, with varied positioning to work my whole lower body. I have ditched the machines I was working out on at the gym; I am not convinced I was getting any benefits from them, and the HIT cardio results this week are pretty persuasive to me. If the results stay in line with what I saw this week, I will stay with it. 
• I have started eating my dinner later in the evening, which has resulted in me not needing to eat essentially a second meal later on. I was able to not eat at all after dinner, or only have an actual snack-sized snack. I was trying this method where I was eating half to two-thirds of my dinner then setting it aside for half an hour or thereabouts, then finishing it later. It wasn't very effective though. I found that I was obsessing on it: thinking about it constantly, watching the clock, planning my next meal before I even finished the one I was artificially dragging out over an hour. And I was still eating a much larger snack -- more like a small meal -- later in the evening. This week, I ate my dinner as much as an hour and a half later -- around 8 pm, and I ate the entire meal (mindfully, which I am going to write a whole post about...) and was not hungry afterward. So, the gimmicky eat-half-now-eat-half-later method is shelved. It was a good idea, but it just didn't work.

I'm thinking about switching to free weights instead of the machines at the gym. I don't know. I still feel a little self conscious, especially with some of the really fit, muscular guys who work out at my gym. I don't worry about them judging me, I worry about me judging me. Regardless, I have been YouTubing some free weight training and advice videos and watching some of the guys at the gym who are really fit and observing which lifts / routines they do, and just letting it ruminate around in my head. We'll see.

I think my goal for last week definitely got met, smashed it in fact. I was struggling for about 3 weeks with a plateau, or my metabolism trying to enforce a new set point, or whatever it was -- I couldn't seem to get down below 260 and stay there. Every time, I would see the scale go down to 259 or less and the next fuckin' day, I would be right back up there -- 261, 263 -- fuckin' 265, and I'm like, OH HELL NO. I really used my mind-body connection this week. I stepped it up at the gym and in my home workouts, I stuck to my diet plan 100% and enforced a 1000 calorie deficit (or more) every day, and pushed myself hard on weight lifting. And it paid off. I am thrilled with the result, and I think I succeeded in getting over that little hump.

Let's recap my actual set goals. I need a little reminder. I did promise myself that my very strict up-tick this week was not going to set a new bar. I'm not very good at holding myself back once I get to a new level, but I also have found a few of my limits in terms of what is sustainable. I know I can't do what I did last week 100% of the time going forward. It was a means to an end, a hard push, not the new normal.

Thus:

• Do something active 6 days a week
• Go to the gym 5 x/wk
• Weight train 3 x/wk
• Do HIT cardio 2 x/wk
• Minimum 300 minutes cardio every week
• Maintain a 500 calorie deficit every day
• Take my meds every day - (in fact, I have added biotin to my regimen, so...)
• AM: 1 biotin, 2 St. Johns's Wort, 1 B-Complex
• PM: 1 St. John's Wort, 2 Tylenol PM, 10 mg melatonin, 3 Valerian Root
• Saturday is "zero day" (meaning I can do nothing if I want, and eat anything I want, but also "zero" because the only caveat is: I will also do zero harm to my other goals while I do whatever the fuck I feel like on Sat.)
• Eat mindfully (my mindful, not someone else's rules.)

Disappointing. Or aggravating. Or both.

256. So I gained 1 lb. It pisses me off, 'cause I had a "perfect week." I went to the gym 5 days, hit all my marks for weight training and knocked my cardio out of the park and stayed on track with my nutritional goals. It's bullshit, how the fuck did I gain a pound? Grrr.

I think my body is trying to assert a new set point. My metabolism could be slowing down in response to losing 40+ lbs. I say hell no to that. Gotta really lean in this week. Cut my calories back a little probably and step up my weight training -- it was time for that anyway. I could also be gaining muscle, it does outweigh fat by 5x by volume, and weight training burns fat 2-3x more efficiently than cardio alone. Regardless, I am not satisfied with being stuck in this 255-265 rang. I keep getting down into the 250s, but I can't stay down there. Like I said, time to lean in a little.

That is all. No excuses, get what you want.

Got my Sunday walk in just before the storm...

I never regret going for a walk.

I managed to get a walk in before the snow started. Well, it was starting the last third of my walk. It's always easy to go for a walk on a sunny day, but I find I often enjoy going for a walk in inclement weather. And I often say that I like walking and hiking in winter and early spring when the trees are bare and there is no ground cover, because you can really see the landscape, and it's easier to see the wildlife. I did my usual walk, the Old Country Road loop. There are a lot of cool houses on the route, and it is a really nice varied terrain with a lot of fairly steep hills, so it is also a natural interval hill course. I want to take pictures of more of the houses, but it makes me feel like a creeper -- it is Sunday and people are home and I'm taking pics of their house... No, I swear I'm not an insurance adjuster. This is Fairview Farm from the southeast side, and it is one of the coolest farmhouses on the route, with that big red barn and they have black & white cows. I'm sure they are used to people taking pictures of their house. But there's a bunch of creepy Victorian farmhouses and some pretty decent views of Bald Mountain. There is also an eagles nest and a lot of other birds, including a flock of pigeons that I swear to God follow me.

I really did get home just in time. It is snowing like hell now. And I still have a lot to do to get ready for the workweek. And even though I had the day off, daylight savings time still fucked me over. I am feeling behind at everything. I forgot until I got out of bed and looked at my phone clock and was like, "Mother fucker! That's right. OMG, it's 10am?" LOL So, I need to stop writing a blog post and get to work. 

42 lbs lost and going strong

I said I'd have a better story this week and I definitely do. Weighed in at 255 lbs, so I lost 7 lbs this week and 42 lbs since the start. Also took my measurements and I am happy to report I have lost 1/2 an inch off my neck, 1"inch each from my chest and stomach, and 2" inches off my thigh. 💪✔

As I've already mentioned on Facebook, I noticed for the first time that my pecs are starting to be visible when I flex them, and I am starting to be able to see and feel that my booty is getting nicer. I noticed it first early in the week when I realized my underwear is fitting different. Then, I also did a "feel test" so to speak later in the week, right after I got off the treadmill from doing a hill challenge and I was like, "OMG, I can grab a handful back there. Sweet." I noticed last week that my stomach is getting visibly smaller, and that it doesn't feel all hard and pushed out and my shirts are falling lower on me -- I don't feel all the time like my belly is hanging out of my clothes.

I was feeling a little discouraged earlier in the week because I was kind of treading water in terms of losing weight. I went to the gym 4 times and worked out at home 6 days, and was staying the same weight every day. Then, this morning I got on the scale and was like, "Holy shit! Seriously?" I actually weighed myself again (which I rarely ever do) just to make sure and it was the same to the tenth of a pound. Hell yeah, 7 lbs. So my body was just messing with me -- holding out on letting go of some poundage to test me. It was a test, too. I was feeling like my effort was wasted or I was doing it wrong. Even though this week was also the week I started to actually be able to see physical results from exercise, in fact, I think that made it even more confounding to have the scale be so stubborn.

And really, I am down 14 lbs from last Saturday. I reported my Fri weight last week... 'cause I was ashamed of what I had done to tank my diet on my mini-vaca. I also only went to the gym Mon & Tues last week. I will confess now that I actually gained weight last week, almost 8 lbs. So really, it took me a hella lot of effort to bang that number back down to where it was. I ate at a 1000 calorie deficit for 3 days and did 80 minutes on the treadmill between the gym and home every day. It took me until Wednesday to get back down to where I was the first day of my mini-vaca last week. Then I lost another 9 lbs. I am fairly certain a lot of it was water weight, considering I had to pee probably twice as often as usual all week.

I would not be surprised to find out all of it was water weight. When I say I tanked my diet I am not kidding. I ate more than I should have the whole 4 1/2 days, had all kinds of garbage food, and a couple mild binges. I say mild binges because it was really just good old fashioned overeating, but I was aware that I was responding to psychological eating triggers and still couldn't stop myself, so slow-roll binge eating.

I also got drunk 4 nights last week. The liquor itself is not really the problem in terms of calories -- I am not a drunk eater, I skip meals when I drink. The problem is that alcohol fucks up my system for days sometimes; water retention, sodium cravings, yo-yo weight, and it ruins any plan I might have to work out, even a short walk on the treadmill. I normally don't let myself drink more than once a week, but again -- "mini-vaca" was a drinking trigger. Additionally, I forget to take my meds at bedtime when I drink, so I seriously fucked up my St. John's levels last week, I could feel that I was unstable, which also contributed to binge eating.

I never understood how connected my weight and depression were until it started to get better. I also really love how exercising makes me feel, so being hung over 4 days last week (including a work day... ug...) also wrecked my ability to work out. On Sunday, I was like, "Fuck this. I have got to get on the treadmill and work this shit out." I did 95 minutes in two sessions and actually did feel pretty good after. But, I still didn't make it to the gym Monday morning. I didn't have enough recovery time from my little 5-day party, and in fact I was at a sleep deficit all week.

This coming week, I am going to have to even it out a little bit. I don't want to set the bar higher at this point. I am at a level of activity that is right at the edge of my ability to maintain. That is fine, but I am not ready to step it up yet. I am still struggling to get into a set pattern, and my first and most important rule is: I will hit every one of my goals 100%, which means I am not allowing myself to set goals I can't get to. Every goal moves up (or down) in small increments. I also like the feeling I get from pushing myself past those marks, so I actually feel incentivized by my goals. I did temporarily move the bar up this week because I fucked up so bad the week before. (See: Squeaked through.) I just need to remind myself that this was a temporary adjustment, not the new bar height.

LOL. I had a great week, lost a ton of weight, noticed my muscles getting bigger and my measurements changed significantly for the better, and my clothes are fitting nicer. And I'm trashing myself for not hitting every single goal. OK, no more of that nonsense! I had a great week and I am going to have another great week this coming week, too.

Squeaked through.

Just squeaked through this week. Weighed in at 261 so I lost a pound. But I really gained weight this week and then did a little intermittent fasting to make up the gap. Technically, I also only lost 6/10th of a pound, but I am only recording the whole number on the scale in the morning.

I have been on a little mini-vaca this week, took a 4 day weekend and a half-ish (a little more than half) day on Wed. I only went to the gym Mon & Tues, although I did do a 4 mile walk on Thu and an hour on my treadmill that same day. But, I also needed the rest. I took some extra days off work because I needed some me time, and I really pushed myself hard at the gym last week in anticipation that this week I would be easing off a little. Turns out I eased off a lot. But that's ok.

Today is my last day of mini-vaca, so I'm back to hibernation mode. See you next week. I'll have a better story to tell, too.

Cut 25 minutes off my round trip time in 3 months

Just did my normal outdoor walk, from my house up the hill on Main Rd. N, then loop around at the west end of Old Country Road, then loop around at the east end of same, then back to my house on Main Rd. N again. 4.1 miles. I just did it in 75 minutes, which is about 3 1/4 mph. The first time I did it, it took me 100 minutes, and I was winded and already sore before I even got home. Today, I kept finding myself walking faster on the uphill sections and when I got home I was like, "Maybe I'll get on the treadmill." And I probably will a little later. So, that means I've cut 25 minutes off the total round trip time from 3 months ago when I did that walk the first time. And I never felt totally winded, although I did have to take my scarf off and open up my jacket for a while, but it's hella cold so that didn't last long, it easy to cool down too much. That's totally awesome. I'm really pleased to see and feel such a tangible change in my health and my cardio conditioning. I've always liked walking, especially outside with music. It makes me feel good, and I always have really good creative ideas when I am on a walk.

Very successful week

Oh my god! I did it! I went to the gym on a Monday! And went to the gym 5 days. 💪✔✨

Weighed in at 262, so I have lost 35 lbs. and over 10% of my starting weight, and that kicked my average weight loss up to 2.5 lbs / wk, but that will level back out to closer to 2. I am losing about 10 lbs. a month though, so that is a pretty realistic average.

I have been weighing myself every day and I can see the clear pattern now. My weight fluctuates by as much as 10 lbs over the course of the week, and I tend to see the biggest gains right in the beginning of the week, including Sundays because I am a lot less active on the weekends and I tend to indulge myself with food a little. It doesn't bother me as long as my average weight loss stays on pace. I really think that I can get down to my target weight in a year, so by the end of Nov 2019. i started at 297. So if I can lose 10 lbs a month, I should be down to 175-180 by that time. I know that my weight loss might taper off after the first 50 lbs or so, but I also know I can do it.

The gym was good this week. Like I said, I went every day M-F before work. 30 min on the treadmill all 5 days, then M-W-F were Chest & Arms Day and T-Th were Leg Day. Although every day is kinda leg day because I use the treadmill so much. But I did try to focus on the areas I need to tone up still -- my thighs and hip abductors. At home I also used my treadmill Sun - Thu, which is really Booty Day because I use it on the highest elevation and use the handles to lean in. Every time I feel the burn in my glutes I'm like, "Yes, my ass is getting cuter right now."

I did struggle to get as much lifting in as I would like. I am still not quite getting there early enough so that I don't feel rushed, and so I am on time to work. I could do 20 min on the treadmill, but I don't want to do that. That adds up to almost an hour less cardio by the end of the week and I am already doing an hour a day on the home treadmill, so I don't want to compensate on that end. So I just need to get to the gym earlier. I might have to sacrifice some computer time in the morning. Maybe I really don't need 30 minutes of Facebook every morning.... I feel like I need to be in my car rolling by 7:20 at the very latest in order to get to work by 8. That means I need to be in the locker room changing by 10 past -- or at least I need to be finishing my last set wherever I am by 7:10. So in order to get 30 minutes on the treadmill and have the time I need to work out... I like to do 3 sets of 10 reps 3 x/ ea on 4 machines, and that takes me about 35 minutes. So off the treadmill by 6:35, I really need to be at the gym by 6. So I really need to be leaving home about 5:50 to make that happen. You'd think, getting up at 5, I could do that.

Goals for next week:

💪Go to the gym 5 days
💪Lift full 3 / 10 x 4
💪Maintain avg weight loss at 2.5 / wk

I've officially lost 10% of my starting weight

SWEET! Weighed in at 265, which means I have officially lost (more than) 10% of my body weight. 32 lbs lost, and still maintaining right around 2 lbs / wk. Also found my cloth tape measure, so I was able to measure my body. No surprises there, but I am glad I can start tracking again. I know for sure I am getting smaller because I can't keep my pants up, so it's good to be able to really have data on it other than simply the number on the scale.

I was a little worried about going off the wagon this week. I only went to the gym twice. I did use my treadmill at home, but I only lifted weights two times. I failed again to go to the gym on Monday morning. I was stranded at home Wed by a snowstorm and then Friday I had an emergency with my furnace at home that started Thu night and I just couldn't. I did manage to stay on my dietary wagon. And I got 8 hours of cardio, I hit the home treadmill hard.

This is a quick post I know, I am trying to blog at least once a week.

I am not going to take Monday off the list yet. I am going to try to weight train M-W-F, so I am going to try again tomorrow. I drank a lot last weekend (both Fri & Sat nite) which I did not do this weekend, so I am a lot more energetic today than I was last Sun. I was up and out for my Sunday walk by 10:30. I am going to give it another go.

I'm having some stress and it is testing my commitment to my goals. But, I am going to win.

I can do what I want...

... I say that like I haven't always done whatever the fuck I want. LOL. But, we'll get to what I mean at some point (when I want...)

Interesting week. Weighed in at 269, which is awesome. One of my favorite milestones is when I see a new number on the scale -- there is a 6 where the 7 was. 28 lbs lost overall, and 3 lbs lost in the week, still maintaining my average of just over 2 lbs. / wk lost. This is actually really encouraging because this is the longest I have ever maintained a consistent drop in weight without a major regain somewhere along the way.

Also, tightened my belt down another notch this week. I think I might be able to get back into my 38 waist pants again. (I hated admitting to myself I needed a 40, since I at one point threw away all my 38s because I said I would never be that big again...)

So, a big stone got dropped in my pond. I bought a treadmill. (A friend was selling hers for $100, I couldn't say no.)

My "new" (to me) treadmill - thanks Linda!!

My instant thought was, "OK, I can cancel my gym membership." But something just did not feel right about that. And also Planet Fitness is $10 / mo. It's my cheapest bill. I was thinking that the treadmill was the thing I most wanted to go to the gym for, and in terms of time spent, it is certainly the thing I do the most there, that's for sure. But, I do also work out -- a.k.a. lift weights -- at the gym, too and I want to step that up, not down. I have 3 lb and 15 lb dumbbells and resistance bands at home, but I like the variety and flexibility of the equipment at the gym. I really, really, really want to have a nice chest and that means I need to lift more than 15 lbs. Plus, every person I look up to in terms of weight loss success swears by body building, and every one of them says they wish they had started lifting weights much sooner in their journey.

I don't just want to be thin. I want to be strong, and I want my body to look nice, I want to be proud of my physical appearance. And that's not shallow, I don't give one fuck how it sounds. My appearance has always been important to me, and as I am getting older, I am becoming much more aware of how dramatically my physical health affects my looks. I feel so good after I work out that there is no way I want to stop now. I can feel myself getting stronger, my balance is getting better, my cardio conditioning is stepping way up, and I am losing inches around my waist. I also noticed my face is starting to slim down a little again -- I always lose my face fat first, but that is really fantastic -- I was getting jowly, ick. Let's not even discuss that.

So, anyway -- I am not cancelling my gym membership. My home treadmill is an addition and a backup to the gym, not a replacement. For example: I failed for the 2nd week in a row to get out of bed early enough to go to the gym on Monday morning. I am going to try again tomorrow, but if I can't do it, I'm taking it off the list. And now, if I do fumble, I can still get up in time to at least use my home treadmill before work. I am also going to work on stepping up my weight lifting at the gym. I need to get there a little sooner. I would like 15 more minutes. Right now I usually have time to do 3 sets of 10 reps on 3 machines -- I've been doing the lateral pull-down, the hammer thrust and the chest press. I am going to YouTube some lifting beginner videos and see what I should be trying. I'll go see what Coach Kozak at HASFit has for videos probably, as I really like him.

AND -- drum roll -- something amazing happened. I never thought ever in all my days that the following thought would ever pass through my mind, let alone stick around... I like going to the gym. WTF, right? I realized when I was having the debate with myself about cancelling my gym membership or not that I was feeling remorseful at the idea of not going to the gym. Then, the morning after I got the home treadmill (which is awesome btw) I went to the gym early ass in the morning before work, and I was really glad I did it. I was in a great mood after, and I was like, "I am definitely not cancelling my membership."

So this is what brings me to the title of this blog, "I can do what I want." I realized that I was also feeling weird about the idea of working out at home instead of the gym, and that I was actually worried about being judged by someone who might notice I don't come to the gym as much any more. And then I was like, 'WTF is wrong with you?? First of all, they do not care what the fuck you do. And, you can do whatever the fuck you want." I realized, ok so if I were to go to the gym 3x/wk (instead of 5) and work out at home the other two, I'm still exercising. Also, fuck it, if I want to go to the gym 5x/wk I can still use my treadmill any time I want -- it's mine. Sometimes I get so hung up on having to have a strategy and / or a justification for things that I do forget that I can do what I want. Not sure that makes any sense, but it does to me. Also, that there are no ultimatums and any plan can be adjusted. I make the plan, it is what I say it is. As long as I am meeting my goals, it's working.

Also, a funny little anecdote: so I did go to the gym in the evening one time. And it wasn't horrific like I feared, in fact it was mostly like it always is. However, there was a different crowd, and a slightly different feel to the place. So, the next morning when I was back at my normal time (right about 6am) I walked in and it felt normal and right and I actually recognized most of the crowd and I thought to myself, Ah, my people. Weird. I consider strangers at the gym "my people." But really, most of them are friendly and I am starting to recognize specific people. It's kinda nice.

That was my week. Still on track with all goals. New goal is to start increasing my weight lifting, including figuring out how to squeeze 15 more minutes out of my morning. I've tried the no-computer-in-the-morning rule and I hate it. I need 15-20 min to drink a cup of coffee, wake up a little and take in some Internet crack. I do some sit-ups and ab crunches as soon as I get out of bed, and that takes me up a notch, but I still just like a few minutes first thing. I don't look at social media at work (except in the Facebook Room, I mean the restroom, and that's only if I poo...) and I try not to spend my evenings online, so morning is my Internet time, always has been, always will be. I am trying to brainstorm ideas though that do no include, "Get up earlier." I am already getting up at 5. OK, well maybe more like 5:10, so maybe I just found 10 minutes right there... and I could stay at the gym a little bit longer, I can get to work on time as long as I'm in the car by 7:20, so there's 5 or 10 more, too.... yeah I can do it.

Onward! 🌈✅💪💪💪

Not perfect, but I'll take it

Weighed in this morning at 272, meaning I've officially lost 25 lbs. 

I am feeling the difference literally. I said last week I had to tighten my belt down a notch; I am going to have to do it again pretty soon -- in fact, yesterday I did cinch it down another notch and it wasn't horrible, although I know I could not have worn it that way all day. But I was able to, which is great. 

Met all my goals last week, although I just barely scraped by. As I say in the title of this post though, it's not perfect, but I'll take it. I did hit all my goals. But, because I decided it would be a great idea to get drunk on Thursday night, I did not go the gym before work, and it was a struggle to make myself go after, but I did. So, I did manage to hit the gym 4 times. 

Ug. I took myself out to Subway yesterday. (Fri.) I was at an all-day training off-site, so I used that as an excuse to treat myself. I resisted the urge to go to Burger King, but when I got to Subway I failed at my resolve to get a chopped salad instead of a sub, so I wolfed down a foot-long Italian BMT with a Coke and a bag of Salt & Vinegar chips. It was very difficult being truthful about what I ate when I was entering that meal into my WW tracker. 42 points -- my entire days worth of points on one meal. And, when I got to the gym my pre-workout heart rate was 110, when my normal heart rate any other day is about 65. Can you say sodium?? And Subway is endorsed by the American Heart Association, that's scary really. It was quite eye-opening. 

The negatives of that aside, I still enjoyed myself and I don't mind a little indulgence once in a while, it is in my overall nutritional budget, and honestly it was the chips and the soda that probably spiked my blood pressure. And, no I will not ever drink a Diet Coke -- yuck, disgusting. I drink soda so rarely I truly could not tell you when was the last time I had one. I never buy it, I don't consider it a beverage choice. So one Coca-Cola every few months is a non-issue, and it has the positive of being a really satisfying indulgence. Also, chips are something I don't eat any more. And salt & vinegar are my favorite, I'm salivating writing about it. LOL. So, it was a good self-care meal, although the nutritional bases were not really met. And I woke up this morning and still lost weight, so I call it a win. 

So I said if I could pull off going to the gym 4x this past week, I would test drive going 5 days, every work day. We'll see what happens Monday morning. I was tentatively considering trying out 5 days this week, but Mon morning I just could not get out of bed an hour early. And then when I didn't go Fri morning because of the hangover, I was like, Oh shit, I'm gonna fuck it up, I'm only gonna hit 3 days. Fuck. Which is what got me to the gym after work, which was weird and all different people were there and I kinda hated it. So there's an object lesson. I really do prefer going to the gym early in the morning. I have the most energy and it really gets me going, I am starting to really like the feeling I have after I am done working out. I find I am in a good mood, I have a better outlook even on problems, and my ability to set goals and meet them carries over into work and my personal life. So yeah, I am going to try really hard to go 5 days this upcoming week. I am not moving the needle on the goals though, officially my rule will stay 4x/wk. which is up one from 2 weeks ago, so I need to pace myself in terms of how far I step it up. I will only set goals I can achieve 100%. So, this upcoming week, I will test drive going to the gym 5 days, but the goalpost is still 4. 

I also want to make an adjustment to my weekend routine. I am still convinced that I want Saturday to be my Zero Day. I call it a "zero day" instead of a cheat day or something like that because for one, there is no cheating in my plan, there are only misses. And truly, I haven't missed my goals much and I don't plan to start now. What my "zero day" means is that it is the day of the week where I do not have to do anything if I don't want to, including no diet rules. If I want to stay in my pajamas all day, eat 5 meals and watch 16 hours of Snapped, I do it. However...

I am not happy with the fact that I am regaining weight over the weekend. Pretty much every Mon, I have put on a couple pounds, once it was 9 lbs. (oops...) and I know it is mostly water weight, but I don't like it. I am sabotaging myself and back tracking all my hard work for the sake of some sloth. I am not going to set any rules for Zero Day, other than it is Zero Day. But, I am thinking I want to make a Weekend Rule which says I do have to do something active every day no matter what. I'm averaging 2 lbs. a week lost, which is really great, but I am actually losing 5 - 10 lbs a week but I'm regaining it over the Fri-Mon window. I have observed my metabolism / GI tract seems to have about a 48 hour cycle, so often I don't see a difference on the scale for 2 days, although when I am active, I see the number go down the very next day. So..... being even the least bit active has an exponentially larger positive impact. I am hoping this will allow me to continue to insulate my Zero Day but not have to deal with the resulting weight gain. I can accept that my weight is going to fluctuate, and I do understand how water weight works, but I still don't want to see the scale go up. I am going to try to minimize that, but I need Zero Day for my psychological well-being. 

Well, I guess that covers my week. Onward!

No excuses, get what you want

Another banner week. Checked all the boxes on my goals and lost 3 lbs. Weighed in this morning at 274, which is a new landmark as well: lower than my lowest weight when I was trying back in the summer of 2017. So, I've lost all the weight I gained since that time, and then some. Also overall, from my starting weight in November 2018, I have lost 21+ lbs. Ate clean all week, and went to the gym 3 times plus worked out at home on days I didn't go the gym. ✔✔✔

So let's talk about some of it.

Weight: I've been weighing myself every day and I plan to continue doing so. I say, "hogwash" to the popular myth that you should never weigh yourself more than [insert whatever interval].

Fuck that. Weighing myself every day keeps me accountable. It also helps me to understand how my diet affects my daily weight. I've had some very unpleasant surprises, like the day I got on the scale and weighed 8 lbs. more than the day before.

OK - don't panic! Here's a science-based fact: even for a person like me, who is easily capable of binge-eating 5000 calories in a few minutes, it is virtually impossible to gain even 1 lb. of actual fat in one day. (Note I say "virtually," because it is technically possible, but as a far outlier.)

So back to that day I ricocheted back up to 290 from 282 the prior day. (This was 2 weeks ago.)

Needless to say, sticker shock was in full swing that day. I was like, "Oh fuck me. What the for real fuck? I am off the wagon. I'm gonna fail again. This is bullshit. Fuck it all." Then, I took a deep breath and said, "Slow down, slow down, let's not jump off the building just yet, okay?" I had to really be honest with myself that the day before I had really overeaten, even though it was "clean" food, I still ate too much of it and a lot of salty food, including peanut butter which I swear one fucking tablespoon of peanut butter and I can feel my panties pinching me. And a lot of salty food, combined with not having gone to the gym that day, either and most of it is water weight. OK, so... phew. Yes, I went a little off the wagon, but it's not the end, it's not that bad. It did also serve to refocus my goals and my resolve. For whatever reason, this time, setbacks encourage me instead of me quitting at the slightest bump in the road.

About water and hydration, something noticed that I like: it is noteworthy that I have never had a problem drinking enough water. Water is my favorite beverage, always has been even when I was a kid. I don't keep any other kind of beverage in the house, not even milk, unless coffee counts. In fact, I despise milk, always have. They had to force me to drink it when I was a kid, and now that I don't have to do anything I don't want to, I still hate milk. Yuck. Milk is gross. (I get plenty of dairy from yogurt and cheese.)(And you don't need as much of that as the diet industry wants you to buy -- oops, I mean, wants you to think.) I love water and I always have a big cup of water at hand. Sometimes I do over-hydrate, but that's not actually bad, you just have to piss a bunch of times until your body gets back to it's preferred hydration level.

OK side tracked. Back to water, or specifically pee. Something I was struggling with and trying to accept as an inevitable consequence of getting older was having to get up to pee as much as 4-5 times during the night. Since I started going to the gym and working out regularly along with cleaning up my diet, I sometimes actually sleep through the whole night (insomnia being another major challenge for me, that is also quickly abating...) and in general I never have to get out of bed to pee more than once a night. It's seriously like a miracle. It's an unexpected benefit.

Let's move on.

Diet: something I was not expecting -- I am losing my appetite for processed and / or high-carb-low-nutrient crap food. As I have already noted (and it is truly amazing) I have not even considered buying a frozen pizza, which used to be my #1 indulgence food. And I have frozen buffalo chicken strips and fries -- my #1.5 favorite indulgence food -- in the freezer untouched for over a week now. One day last week I was about to cook some for dinner just out of habit, and as I was standing there staring into the freezer I realized that more than just not having an appetite for it, I was feeling mildly grossed out by the idea of eating that. And later that same night, when I was digging around in the fridge for a bedtime snack I actually said out loud, "Yum. Cucumber," and I ate some cucumber slices with vinegar -- and then went to bed, feeling satisfied.

Who fucking thought ever such a thing was possible? Some cucumber slices were my preferred snack.

Exercise: I am actually enjoying going to the gym. At 6 in the morning. WTF? I feel great afterward and it sets the tone for my whole day. I am currently considering stepping up my goal from 3x/wk to 5x/wk. I emphasize "considering" because I want to make sure I set sustainable goals that I can achieve 100%.

I find that by the end of my work week, I am running on a sleep deficit of 5-8 hours depending on how early I go to bed throughout the week. I just can't go to bed super early. I'm not wired for it and I'm not happy when I force myself to. I find that I am naturally tired and ready to go to bed between 9 and 10 pm, and that just has to be good enough. I find that since I have started exercising regularly and sleeping better, that the sleep deficit is not as debilitating to be as it was. I also am willing to sleep in on my days off, I do not subscribe to the belief that you must go to bed and get up at the same time every single day. It's just not practical. And I enjoy the luxurious feeling of sleeping in. It's psychologically medicinal as well as how I compensate my sleep loss during the work week. Since starting to exercise more often I have also found that my recovery time (in terms of regaining lost rest, as opposed to just making up the lost hours) is much shorter. I tend to sleep in really late Saturday and then on Sunday I wake up much earlier, for a day off.

So why the long ramble about my sleep? Well, because it will be affected by an increase to 5x/wk at the gym. I won't go after work, I just know I won't. So it has to be in the morning. Plus, I like going in the morning, there is something about it that just clicks for me. But, I find that at least 1 day a week, I end up sleeping in about 30 minutes and just doing my "short morning," to still get to work on time. And I find that day I always thank myself for choosing to sleep another half hour. I think I am going to try going to the gym 4 days next week and if that goes okay, I will trial-run a 5 day schedule and see if I think it is sustainable.

And just because I have been watching them on YouTube, here's a shout-out to my current favorite weight loss inspirations: ZachAttacksFat and JordanShrinks.

Zach has a saying I like: "No excuses, get what you want." I find myself saying that any time I am about to go off the wagon and it helps. I also have realized that it really is about me and what I want and my plan to get there. And the more I work on it, the more I realize that all that matters is going forward. Missing a goal, or going off the wagon for one meal or one day or a little weight gain are not reasons to quit, they are reasons to try harder. I even find myself "leaning in" on my workouts, like the last few minutes on the treadmill I find myself saying, "get into it, not out." Push through, get the endorphin rush, you'll be happy.

Another quote by Zach that I think about quite often, "I've never gone to the gym when I really wasn't feeling it and regretted it after." That is so true -- when the alarm goes off at 5am it is easy to say fuck it and reset it for 6:30, but I end up thinking how disappointed in myself I will be if that is what happens. And I get up and get ready and go. I have been preparing my meals for work and getting my gym stuff all put together the night before as well so all I have to do is go. And truly, it is just the actual getting out of bed that is hard. Once my feet are on the floor, it's go time.

So let's have a little recap......

Weight: going good, losing about 2 lbs. a week on average.
Diet: going even better than expected.
Exercise: going good, could go better -- I am going to trail-run going to the gym 5x/wk
Mood / Depression: I know I didn't talk about this in this post, but going very well.

Milestone: tightened my belt down a notch

Very good week! Amazing what happens when you set goals and stick to them. Weighed in this week at 277 lbs, which is 18 lbs lost since I started tracking and this week I dropped 4 lbs. Something I see as an even greater success, and a literal milestone: I moved down a belt notch this week. I waited until I couldn't stand the feeling that my pants were going to slide off my hips any more, then one day at work in the bathroom I cinched my belt down another hole -- and much to my surprise, I was comfortable the rest of the day, even sitting down.

I need to start taking my measurements again. I'm sure the belt notch represents a couple inches lost off my waist and I know my muscles are getting bigger because I can see (and feel) the proof. I have a cloth measuring tape and 2 tape measures, you'd think I could find one of them...

Goal: start taking my measurements again.

So what did I do? Well, I went to the gym M, W & F and worked out at home the other two. And I found that as I increased my physical activity, my appetite decreased. I am still using WW to to track my dietary intake and my weight, and I ate less than my daily points allowance every day without feeling hungry. One day I only ate 18 points (which is less than half) and although I did not feel hungry that day, I was really hungry the next day before each meal. It was the only day I came close to eating my whole points allotment. So, I did learn from that a little lesson: don't under-eat, there will be a payback.

I also go the book, "It Starts With Food," and have been reading it as my bathroom book. And I have been watching every documentary or special I can get my hands on between all my TV platforms. I also try to do a 25 min beginner workout on HASFit while I cook dinner, every day. It's interesting to me, and I feel like I'm also helping my brain by watching TV that is actually educational.

I am also doing really well on my plan to eat at least 50% of my calories from vegetables. I have been having a salad for lunch every day at work, and and a lean protein with a mix of roasted or sauteed vegetables for dinner pretty much every day. This has also allowed me to keep some of the comfort meals I like in my diet without them tanking my goals. Those being: Buffalo chicken strips, french fries (oven baked only, no restaurant fries) and I also like Orange Chicken or General Tso's Chicken over white rice. I eat one or both of those once a week, but they have become the exception not the norm. I also haven't eaten a frozen pizza in at least 6 weeks, maybe more, haven't even felt tempted. I did eat 2 slices of pepperoni pizza at work about a month ago, but I actually felt kinda gross afterward. Astonishingly, I have also not eaten sandwich bread in about a month, and only a couple English muffins a week (I like one with my at-home breakfast, so Sat & Sun) and a couple times a week I eat a flour tortilla - -either a wrap of some kind or a fish taco, oh yeah, and I do still keep frozen bean & cheese burritos in the freezer which I tend to use as the base of a meal 1-2 times a week. However -- I never in all my days imagined the day would come that I didn't have a loaf of bread in the house and didn't care. I haven't even bought garden burgers 'cause I don't want to eat bread. And really, garden burgers are kind of gross, dry, carboardy grain-based quasi-bread. I'm not a vegetarian (although sometimes I forget that.) If I want a burger, I'd have a meaty one. With bacon. My standard day-to-day diet is clean enough that I can (literally) stomach some less-than-ideal foods -- they are part of my psychological satisfaction with food.

I am also doing pretty good on my promise to myself that I am going to change the way I experience food. I am working on putting my fork down after every bite. The only time I am not sticking to that is at work, and I will buckle down on that one too. I am also trying to prepare for dinner, not just prepare the food, but prepare my environment. I light some candles and incense and set the table and make sure I designate the time period as "dinner time." I'll admit it: I watch TV while I eat, I am going to keep doing that. But, I still make a concerted effort to stage my environment, put down my fork between bites, and make sure to actually taste the food before I swallow it. I also try to drink a full glass of water 20-30 minutes before eating, even if I forget the time frame, I still drink one even if it's right before. Then I drink another whole glass as part of the meal.

It is worth writing down what my routine / regimen currently looks like:

Meds / Supplements:

• St. John's Wort, 900 mg (600 in the AM & 300 at bedtime)
• Vitamin B Mega-Complex (1 cap in the AM)
• Tylenol PM (1000 mg at bedtime)
• Valerian (1500 mg at bedtime)
• Melatonin (10 mg at bedtime)

Exercise:

• Situps and lower ab crunches (15 ea. 5x week M-F first thing)
• Gym 3x week (M,W, & F before work)
• Beginner full body workout (15-25 min 5x week M-F in the evening)
• Spontaneous use of my hand weights, usually in response to an emotional food trigger

Diet:

• 50% of my calories from vegetables
• Lean protein with every meal
• Portion snacks on plates, and actually portion them
• Keep an honest and complete written track of what I put in my mouth (cock doesn't count unless you actually eat it.)
• Eat mindfully
• Before eating anything at all, drink a glass of water
• Drink a full glass of water first thing in the morning, and at bedtime (I drink a whole glass down with my supplements AM & PM, easy peasy.)
• Do a triple check system when I feel a food craving:
• Am I really hungry or was it an emotional trigger? What am I thinking about?
• Am I thirsty? Drink water and wait 5 minutes.
• Is my body craving activity? Walk around or do a 10 min workout video or use my 15 lbs hand weight and do some arm curls or something, just to see if a little activity will kill the craving.
• Plan out and prep my meals before I'm hungry. Sounds weird, but it keeps me from letting hunger give me permission to deep fry everything and dip it in ranch. 
• If I have a snack craving, at least try some snow peas or carrot sticks or a pickle. I find a pickle usually satisfies my evening snack wants by being savory and crunchy and filling all at once.

I'm happy to announce I am doing good on all of it. I've cleaned up my nutritional regimen, totally changed up my physical activity level, found myself actually interested in it instead of feeling obligated to it, and changed my routines for the better. I have lost all the weight I gained last year -- I am back down to the weight I was at 18 months ago when I last made any concerted effort to diet. I am feeling better, sleeping better, and have seen a huge improvement in my mental state and the best part -- I am still actively looking for ways to make it even better.

Something about me has changed. As I already said, I find myself interested in it and I see the results and I want to see more. When I've done this before I've tended to see only the long term goal, not the process. I hate T-shirt wisdom, but the journey really is the important part. It's not like when I get to my goal weight I can just go back to sitting in front of the TV sucking down 3 frozen pizzas a week. I will have to maintain my dietary and exercise goals for life. And that doesn't bother me this time. I don't see the goal weight as the "stopping point" any more.

In fact, there is ample evidence that people who have lost large amounts of weight -- more than 25% of their body weight or greater, have to eat a calorie reduced diet for life to maintain that weight, as much as 10% less daily calories than someone who has been at or close to a healthy weight their whole life. Your metabolism as a "set point" that goes up much easier than it goes down, and it is an evolutionary survival trait for all humans. Our bodies are built to store fat (energy) and will store as much as we give it. It's pretty basic: what goes in, goes in. It only comes out if we do something to use it up. There is also ample evidence that muscle building exercise is critical in maintaining a healthy weight. Even though you don't burn a lot of calories while you are lifting weights, the amount of energy your body uses actually building muscle tissue has benefits equal to cardio, but in the form of changing your actual shape, not just the number on the scale. Keeping muscle strength up also contributes to bone density and triggers endorphin cascades in your brain which help regulate all kinds of things including mood and appetite control.

So, it's been a good week. I was probably too hard on myself 2 weeks ago for not working out that much and going off the wagon in a few little ways. The truth is I hurt myself (my foot) and I needed some time to heal and that included some food indulgences too. I am determined that I am going to do this in a way that is psychologically and emotionally satisfying to me. And this week I saw the real proof that my goals are working. And instead of taking that as permission to back slide a little, I have seen it as evidence that I should keep going forward.

plateaus and renewal of goals

OK so I haven't written in over a month. Oops. Whatever, I forgive myself.

So, it's been a month. And my weight has pretty much plateaued. Overall, I've lost about 10 lbs in the 2 months since I started actively tracking my diet and exercise 11/11/18. Yes, 10 lbs is something to be happy about and I am. However, that is not enough -- that is just over 1 lb a week, which would be good except that I got down to my current weight the first month and now there has been no net change since. I did  "lose" some this month, but that is because I actually gained back 4 lbs.

My physical appearance is important to me, I proudly own that. I am acutely (pun intended) aware of the health consequences of being 100 lbs overweight and I see the health benefits too. I'm pretty sure they go hand in hand. In fact, I got my first "notice" that I am loosing weight from a co-worker who wouldn't say so if she didn't mean it, so that was a nice compliment. And I have noticed my belt is getting looser. (NOTE: I should start measuring myself again...) And I have noted that since I started doing core strength training, I am having an easier time getting in and out of the car and up and down from the floor, and my balance is better -- I don't have to hop around and grab things to put on socks. And, I haven't even considered eating a frozen pizza in weeks, and have barely eaten any bread. My diet is a lot cleaner than it has ever been, and I am feeling better.

HOWEVER: I am not losing weight fast enough. Right around the New Year I decided I was not happy with that rate of weight loss, and that in fact it seems pretty clear to me that diet alone is not going to get me to the body I want. To that end, I joined Planet Fitness, went once, and pulled a muscle in my foot (or something, strained my foot and ended up limping for a week.) In the interim, because I did not want to go to the gym while I was in that much foot pain -- it really hurt, I did a random YouTube search for a home workout and discovered HASFit.

So I've been active, but have not been back to the gym since 1/4/19. I think my foot is better so I am aiming to go back to the gym tomorrow morning. My goal is to go 3x a week, preferably M-W-F because I am still wanting to insulate the weekends as my cocooning time. I don't exercise on the weekends, I do what I want even if that is nothing, and if there are any indulgence foods I have planned, that is also when I eat them. So if I miss a planned gym day, I am hoping to have enough discipline to go another weekday.

I am determined that this is going to work. I am 46 not 96. It's not too late to turn my health around, and it's not too late to have the physical shape that I want. Brad Pitt is 55, Tom Cruise is 56 -- I am not an old man is my point. I am still youngish, and I know I am never going to look 25 again, and that is fine with me, but I can still fix my weight. I have gotten so fat I don't look like myself even to me anymore, and I don't picture a skinny guy when I picture me. And I'm all done with that. I joke about wanting my 20-something body back, but actually I was in really bad shape, flabby with no body strength. I couldn't do 2 sit-ups back then. I was a "skinny fat." (LOL - thank you Jane Lynch and 'Weeds' for that term...) I want to be in good physical health, including my body shape and weight. I want to by clothes because they will look good on me, not because of how I will look in them. My old blog was called "Look Good In A Tight T-shirt," and that remains a benchmark.

Coach Kozak from HASFit.com 

I am back down to the weight I was at in the summer of 2017 when I started trying to lose weight again for the millionth time with no plan but to change my diet. That sounds bad, like not an awesome achievement. LOL. But I take it as a good goal post. That means I have lost all the weight I gained from consoling myself with gluttony and booze when my life took a nose dive that fall. Since then I have been by necessity focused on establishing sustainable self sufficiency again, but I've got that part pretty much on auto pilot now. And I've noted that since I passed that particular marker, my attention has turned back to my weight and my appearance. I have a window right now where there is room for a new priority in my lifestyle. I have had those windows before and I often squandered them on sloth or indolence. But not this time. I am going to keep dogging away at this until it works.

I'm trying not to fanboy on Coach Kozak and HASFit. But there is something I really like about him and his wife and co-coach Claudia and their family and their story. It helps that he is hot, but lots of trainers are hot. I just like him, and I like his motivational approach. Another quote by him that I really like, is about time spent on social media, "We should spend less time fantasizing about other people's reality and more on making ours how we want it." And, "The difference between you today and you next week is what you do in the next 7 days." And the YouTube channel has every type and level of workout as well as vlog-style videos about lifestyle health like diet and routine and how to do it on a budget and how to include fitness in your day to day life. I would encourage anyone to utilize this YouTube channel or any other they like as a backup or supplement to a gym workout regimen. It helped me to stay accountable when I wasn't able to go to the gym, and when I was in jeopardy of relapsing back to my old habits -- my go-to for comfort / stress / failure relief is food. And I know that physical activity elevates my mood and my willpower and often completely evaporates emotional / psychological hunger. So, thankfully I had the internal resources to search for an exercise video instead of a sandwich, and it paid off.

Anyway, that has been my month. I really was teetering on the edge of a relapse there for a minute. I was about to quit Weight Watchers and say fuck the gym. I was having those bad self-thoughts again like, "I was just born to be fat," and, "I just need to accept myself as I am," -- no thank you. I do not accept high blood pressure, diabetes, sleep apnea and an early death. I know from having been much smaller and in better cardio condition that those things go away when you lose weight and stay active. And I do not accept that there is anything about myself I can't change if I prioritize it. I will be who I say I am, I will have the body shape and the physical health that I want, and I will get there by my own determination and plan.